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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just don't get him anymore..

31 replies

W3STY17 · 09/01/2023 21:10

I know with the way things are at the moment, life is a bit of a struggle but my Husband is just making things 10x worse at the moment.
He is moody all the time.
Doesn't want to be around our children.
Hides away in our room.
We don't have quality family time.
It's different when we're out. He acts differently around people.
It sounds bad but it makes me feel like I've given him something he doesn't want (ie our beautiful, healthy children).
Coming from a separated family there is nothing I wanted more than a nice family unit.
How can I get things to change?
I just want to stop feeling like myself & our children are treading on eggshells when around him!!

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 09/01/2023 21:41

Have you asked him what's wrong?

Original poster
W3STY17 · 09/01/2023 21:43

Yes but he doesn't say anything is wrong.
Just feel like walking on glass all the time.
Our girls are struggling to be around him as he's just so temperamental as to whether he'll be chatty or grumpy.

OP posts:
sadieshavingashindig · 09/01/2023 21:44

He sounds depressed but doesn't want people outside the family to notice it.

doitwithlove · 09/01/2023 21:45

If he says nothing is wrong, you need to tell him how you feel & how your dc feel when they are around him.

Put the ball back in his court

BCBird · 09/01/2023 21:46

Clearly there is something. He needs to open up.to.u.good luck

AnuSTart · 09/01/2023 21:51

We're suffering exactly the same thing. It's unbearable, you have my sympathy. I'm not sure what the answer is.

Original poster
W3STY17 · 09/01/2023 21:53

I've always been very approachable & making sure we open up but clearly he's hiding things.
I think he is down.
How do I tell him that our girls are struggling to be around him?
I don't want to make him feel worse but just want him to understand how it's making them feel.
I'm old enough to understand he's down but the girls aren't!

OP posts:
Original poster
W3STY17 · 09/01/2023 21:53

@AnuSTart
I'm glad I'm not the only one..

OP posts:
sadieshavingashindig · 09/01/2023 21:55

Just be honest with him about your girls - it might be the jolt he needs to face up to it.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 09/01/2023 21:56

W3STY17 · 09/01/2023 21:43

Yes but he doesn't say anything is wrong.
Just feel like walking on glass all the time.
Our girls are struggling to be around him as he's just so temperamental as to whether he'll be chatty or grumpy.

I'll bet a pound to a penny he knows exactly what he thinks is wrong but he's saying nothing because he knows damn well he's being unreasonable.

As to the walking on glass, I don't think I have ever seen a thread on here where someone referred to walking on glass or eggshells where it hasn't turned out to be a clear-cut case of an abusive relationship.

AnuSTart · 09/01/2023 21:56

I snapped earlier. DD 10 asked DP to go swimming at the weekend he raised his voice and stated that she never really wants him to go (she was making an effort). I was mean then and said well she clearly isn't pissed at you 100-% of the time, maybe just 80! I meant it.
She's 10 and it's all such bloody hard work. It's not fair.

Original poster
W3STY17 · 10/01/2023 09:27

I know I need to be honest with him about things, cause unless it's not said it's not going to change..
If he is down though I'm worried I'm going to make him feel worse.
At the moment I'm just telling my children that he's not feeling himself at the moment.
I just don't want it to affect their bond with him.
I have spoke with him previously about something like this & he got really defensive saying that i was making him out to be a rubbish Dad.
He was more hands on & himself when they were younger but they are now 10 & 8.
I just want them to be themselves around him & not be walking on glass.
Like last night, he was called out with work. When he come back we were watching TV in my room chilling before the girls went to bed & he moaned cause we were all in one room & was going to make the room hot when he went to bed?!
It's almost like I'm having to usher them out before he comes in & that's not right?

OP posts:
yorkshirepudsx · 10/01/2023 09:29

W3STY17 · 10/01/2023 09:27

I know I need to be honest with him about things, cause unless it's not said it's not going to change..
If he is down though I'm worried I'm going to make him feel worse.
At the moment I'm just telling my children that he's not feeling himself at the moment.
I just don't want it to affect their bond with him.
I have spoke with him previously about something like this & he got really defensive saying that i was making him out to be a rubbish Dad.
He was more hands on & himself when they were younger but they are now 10 & 8.
I just want them to be themselves around him & not be walking on glass.
Like last night, he was called out with work. When he come back we were watching TV in my room chilling before the girls went to bed & he moaned cause we were all in one room & was going to make the room hot when he went to bed?!
It's almost like I'm having to usher them out before he comes in & that's not right?

I know you're worrying about making him feel worse, but regardless of his feelings, he still has a family that need him, if you don't say anything he could get worse anyway, so I don't think you should worry about it, talk to him gently and just say that the kids are picking up on it and that you're worried and want to support him etc xx

Original poster
W3STY17 · 10/01/2023 09:31

@yorkshirepudsx
Yeah I think you are right.
I'm going to have a chat with him later.
It's getting me down too as I just hate to think how this is making the girls feel.

OP posts:
firstmummy2019 · 10/01/2023 09:32

How long has he been like this? Is there anyway he could be having an affair? Some men start to emotionally detach from their family when there is another woman on the scene. How is he towards you? Your sex life?

Original poster
W3STY17 · 10/01/2023 09:34

@firstmummy2019
Oh no I never thought anything like this...
It has been going on for quite some time.
He is distant towards me, sex life isn't great maybe once a week if I'm lucky but can be once a fortnight...
Oh gosh my mind is going over drive now.

OP posts:
yorkshirepudsx · 10/01/2023 09:47

W3STY17 · 10/01/2023 09:31

@yorkshirepudsx
Yeah I think you are right.
I'm going to have a chat with him later.
It's getting me down too as I just hate to think how this is making the girls feel.

I fully understand how you must be feeling, I've been through it with my partner and it absolutely broke me, I felt awful telling him that his moods were making me feel crap & wouldn't be helping others around him. It did cause a bit of friction but weeks later he thanked me for getting him to sort himself out, work was upsetting him, so he eventually changed jobs :)
Hope it goes well for you, I'll come back here later and check if you do need to talk afterwards xx

yorkshirepudsx · 10/01/2023 09:48

W3STY17 · 10/01/2023 09:34

@firstmummy2019
Oh no I never thought anything like this...
It has been going on for quite some time.
He is distant towards me, sex life isn't great maybe once a week if I'm lucky but can be once a fortnight...
Oh gosh my mind is going over drive now.

I posted on here also when I had issues with my partner and so many people jumped on the cheating thing, my mind was 1000mph, it wasn't that, he was just very down and depressed and needing help, don't think too much into it xx

shieldmaiden7 · 10/01/2023 09:48

I went through this with my ex. It became impossible in the end. He always said it was because he was stressed with work. But in all honestly I think he just didn't like having a wife and kids. You have all my sympathy as it's a really hard way to live. My children still talk about it now occasionally and we've been separated 6 + years. I hope he opens up to you and your able to work on things.

Igotthegoose · 10/01/2023 10:35

He sounds like he might have checked out OP. Mine can be like that when he gets down and there is always a cause for it (usually work) but it’s fleeting. A month or two max when he is pulled up on it and he sorts his situation out and he’s happy again. If it’s been going on for a long time and he doesn’t want to talk about it there’s something obviously deeper rooted here. Is he depressed?

how long has it been going on for and can you pinpoint a time in your relationship/lives when things started to change?

Id be tempted to pull him up with straight talk ‘listen it’s obvious you are not happy and we can’t carry on like this so things need to change, you need to talk and you need to be honest as it’s gone on long enough and it’s not fair on any of us…’

MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard · 10/01/2023 10:39

You're clearly a nice and gentle person, but this isn't the time for nice and gentle. This behaviour is affecting your girls and putting down the patterns for the type of relationship they'll go onto build for themselves. If their own father teaches them that they're not worthy of notice and attention, how do you think that will play out in their lives?

That's before I even start on how he's treating you and making you feel...

You need to sit him down and tell him calmly and firmly, with examples, how his behaviour is impacting everyone else in the house. Is there a cause for it? How can we help change that and over what timescale? Make it clear that if he doesn't change, you will - by removing your children from a damaging home situation.

MrsTag · 10/01/2023 10:42

W3STY17 · 10/01/2023 09:34

@firstmummy2019
Oh no I never thought anything like this...
It has been going on for quite some time.
He is distant towards me, sex life isn't great maybe once a week if I'm lucky but can be once a fortnight...
Oh gosh my mind is going over drive now.

How could you not have thought that? My ex H was like this - child asked why dad was always shouting. Ex H was either crying or shouting. He was having an affair.

Toomanysleepycats · 10/01/2023 10:50

My only suggestion is to write down what you want to say. You can use this as a script when you have your chat or just send him an email instead if you feel awkward about the chat.

Original poster
W3STY17 · 10/01/2023 11:23

@yorkshirepudsx
Thank you so so much, it really does mean a lot.

@Igotthegoose
I will have a chat with him tonight.
I've texted him as he's working & said that we need a chat tonight.

@MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard
I've got to do something as I cannot let our girls feel like this.
As I've stated before, coming from a broken marriage, I don't want our children to ever feel like this.
Remembering my childhood was horrible.
I hate to think how they're feeling.
My eldest has been in the process of being tested for ASD/ADHD for a number of years, which he also wonders if he is on the spectrum?
She struggles with her emotions so I don't want all this to make her worse.

@MrsTag
I would never have thought this, it's not in his character as he has had his heartbroken in the past by cheating so I can't see him doing this but it will be something I ask him.

@Toomanysleepycats
I have made some notes on my phone to makes sure that I stay on track & get all the points across that I need to bring up.

I hate this feeling so much...

OP posts:
Agreeable · 10/01/2023 11:57

"He is moody all the time.
Doesn't want to be around our children.
Hides away in our room."

This is depression

It's different when we're out. He acts differently around people.

And this is what's what's known as 'smiling depression'

He needs to see a therapist and if he does don't ask what they talk about. That ruins it. He needs a private space to talk about his issues as obviously he can't cope at the moment.