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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why is she telling me about other women?

41 replies

thatswhyigotoiceland · 09/01/2023 10:01

I'm dating a woman.
Apparently she's got a wandering eye.
The last month she's been telling me about other women she's chatting with and now I think she's trying to make me jealous.

I text her yesterday morning and no response but within 5 minutes she posted a picture of a lady on her sofa with just a blanket over her (she's not her friend )
She knew I would see it and be jealous.

I just feel so down about it all
Before we dated I felt attractive and now I feel like I must not be -if I'm not enough to stop her doing this.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/01/2023 10:03

It's deliberate, it's how emotional abuse starts, huge red flag.

End it.

Gunpowder · 09/01/2023 10:05

I’d run a mile. Even if she’s trying to make you jealous or push you away because she likes you and she’s insecure, it’s disrespectful and a red flag. Find someone who has a secure attachment style who likes you enough not to play games.

Dery · 09/01/2023 10:08

“I just feel so down about it all
Before we dated I felt attractive and now I feel like I must not be -if I'm not enough to stop her doing this.”

She sounds like a mindfuck. It’s not about you not being enough - it’s about her. End it. A relationship should be a source of joy, pleasure, peace and security. This one isn’t. End it and move on.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 09/01/2023 10:14

Fuck that shit.

Block her. Right now.

Original poster
thatswhyigotoiceland · 09/01/2023 10:14

I've been asked out on a date by a woman who I've known years but obviously I didn't respond as I thought me and her had something ....I don't know whether to just go as she's doing what she likes anyway

OP posts:
Thisistyresome · 09/01/2023 10:19

Not sure why this is a question. Just end things and move on. There seems little investment from either of you and she is trying to mess with your head.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 10:21

thatswhyigotoiceland · 09/01/2023 10:14

I've been asked out on a date by a woman who I've known years but obviously I didn't respond as I thought me and her had something ....I don't know whether to just go as she's doing what she likes anyway

Ditch the headfucker - today, NOW! & go & date whoever else you want.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 09/01/2023 10:21

Come on, OP.

You're worth more than that.

pictoosh · 09/01/2023 10:21

I'm confused as to why this is a dilemma for you. She's obviously a cunt.

Fuckstix · 09/01/2023 10:23

Stop seeing her. Delete her number. Even if you're only at the very early stage and have not established exclusivity then she is being deliberately disrespectful and has her eye elsewhere. Get out before you get stuck trying to prove your worth. This is her shitty behaviour looking for kicks, not you being unattractive. Anyone decent knows that when dating, you need to be discreet if not yet exclusive. Be the adult and let her realise she has shot herself in the foot.

magicscares · 09/01/2023 10:23

Wow, please move on from her. If she’s doing this already then imagine what she’ll be like further into the relationship. You deserve better. She’s clearly terribly insecure to need to do this.

eastbynortheast · 09/01/2023 10:30

thatswhyigotoiceland · 09/01/2023 10:14

I've been asked out on a date by a woman who I've known years but obviously I didn't respond as I thought me and her had something ....I don't know whether to just go as she's doing what she likes anyway

Do you like the woman you've known for years? If so, I'd give it a go if I was in your situation, @thatswhyigotoiceland because your current partner's behaviour is disrespectful.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 09/01/2023 10:32

Run a mile. This will not develop into a healthy relationship.

Original poster
thatswhyigotoiceland · 09/01/2023 10:35

@eastbynortheast yeah she is a nice woman but I don't have the same feelings for her as I do the other one.

OP posts:
Original poster
thatswhyigotoiceland · 09/01/2023 10:35

It's so frustrating because I've liked this woman for years -and she's just not turning out to be what I thought she was going to be like at all.

OP posts:
supercali77 · 09/01/2023 10:44

People can be disappointing. Move on before your self esteem is in tatters

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 09/01/2023 10:50

End it now and walk away with your head held high. This is not the person for you.

eastbynortheast · 09/01/2023 11:00

thatswhyigotoiceland · 09/01/2023 10:35

It's so frustrating because I've liked this woman for years -and she's just not turning out to be what I thought she was going to be like at all.

That happens sometimes and it can be shocking and disappointing. We all project qualities onto people and sometimes they have them and sometimes they don't. You want someone who's going to lift you up and make you feel great, not someone who makes you question your reality.

dontleaveitthere · 09/01/2023 11:06

thatswhyigotoiceland · 09/01/2023 10:35

It's so frustrating because I've liked this woman for years -and she's just not turning out to be what I thought she was going to be like at all.

I think it's important to realise how the two are different and entirely separate.

You've perhaps fallen in love with the idea of her and a relationship with her. The reality is very separate.

I imagine it's harder to let go because you've had longer to build this up in your head.

But you have to remember it's just fantasy. The bit you like isn't real.

The reality is she's messing with your head. She doesn't care about you. She seems to enjoy hurting you.

Life is too short. You're already confused and upset now. Staying with her will only make it worse and harder to leave.

Original poster
thatswhyigotoiceland · 09/01/2023 11:12

Do you think it's something I've done as to why she seems to be getting a kick from hurting me?
Or do you think it's just in her nature?
I know myself couldn't hurt anyone doing the things shes doing to me.
It's honestly been a massive head ...
One minute I feel like she's so into me
Then she moves the goal posts again and I'm stood so clueless as to what's going on
When she decides to move the goal posts -she acts like I've misunderstood what's happening.
When I tell her she's confusing me -she simply says I'm miss understanding and she's not doing anything or she will tell me to not get jealous.

OP posts:
Nowthatlovehasperished · 09/01/2023 11:15

It's not going anywhere that is healthy or happy.

Send her a "thanks for letting me know where I stand. All the best for the future" and block.

neighboursmustliveon · 09/01/2023 11:16

thatswhyigotoiceland · 09/01/2023 11:12

Do you think it's something I've done as to why she seems to be getting a kick from hurting me?
Or do you think it's just in her nature?
I know myself couldn't hurt anyone doing the things shes doing to me.
It's honestly been a massive head ...
One minute I feel like she's so into me
Then she moves the goal posts again and I'm stood so clueless as to what's going on
When she decides to move the goal posts -she acts like I've misunderstood what's happening.
When I tell her she's confusing me -she simply says I'm miss understanding and she's not doing anything or she will tell me to not get jealous.

This is nothing to do with or about you but all about her!

Don't try and think about it too much.

End things for your own health and well-being and move on to find another women who will be everything you both need for each other.

Try the other lady who is interested in you. This experience has shown you that you can't know what someone is like without dating them. This new lady could end up being lovely and attentive and make you feel wonderful about yourself so that any spark you don't quite feel now, grows.

You won't know until you try.

Adrianneanneanne · 09/01/2023 11:19

She's attention-seeking and probably needs you to be jealous to boost her self-esteem/ego.

It has nothing to do with you. Could just as easily be the other woman being shown a picture of you. She's enjoying having the power and being sought after.

You already know what to do, shes no good.

Original poster
thatswhyigotoiceland · 09/01/2023 11:28

It's nice to actually get other peoples perspective.
As strange as it sounds I've been in it for that long -it was starting to feel all too Normal.
When it's actually far from normal

OP posts:
dontleaveitthere · 09/01/2023 11:44

thatswhyigotoiceland · 09/01/2023 11:28

It's nice to actually get other peoples perspective.
As strange as it sounds I've been in it for that long -it was starting to feel all too Normal.
When it's actually far from normal

I get it. I think we all do. And it's always easier to see the wood for the trees from the outside

I agree with the pp though. You're letting her get into your head. It doesn't matter why she's doing it. What's going on in her head

Just focus on how it makes you feel. And if this is what you want from a relationship.

The other woman doesn't have the benefit of the build up of this fantasy relationship. So of course she's not going to feel so attractive. But give her a go. If nothing else you may make a new friend and have a nice evening.

And at the very least she won't treat you like this and mess with your head.