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Original poster

Moving on with partner

45 replies

crazylady121 · 09/01/2023 07:21

I live with my 20 year old daughter.My partner of 2 years would like me to move in with him.As house is council,I would have to sign over tenancy to my daughter for her to be able to stay there.I cannot work due to health so would lose a lot of financial income and independence.He can't move in with me as daughter has severe social anxiety,I don't have a lot of people around for that reason.He finds it harder than I not being together,I'm happy to carry on as are,I still see him 4 days a week.Opinions please 😊

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 09/01/2023 07:22

Do not move out of your home.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/01/2023 07:31

Do not move out of your home.

Weatherwax13 · 09/01/2023 07:36

Fgs do not give up your council tenancy for anyone

Twizbe · 09/01/2023 07:38

Don't move.

isthewashingdryyet · 09/01/2023 07:41

Another saying are you totally mad, do not move out of a secure tenancy.
just don’t, and don’t give it your daughter either.

Wolfiefan · 09/01/2023 07:54

Haven’t you posted this before? Your daughter needs to accept help.

Original poster
crazylady121 · 09/01/2023 07:55

My partner also has a dream to move to Spain in four years time but I'm very close to my son and grandchildren,not sure I could leave them.He has 3 children too and granddaughter.For some reason I feel Id be giving up a lot more. He has discussed looking after me securely but would never marry again.Our relationship is fab but I feel pressure on me because he wants to move things on.

OP posts:
Original poster
crazylady121 · 09/01/2023 08:01

Wolfiefan. Yes I have spoke about my daughter before.She doesn't trust having a man in house because of my past relationship turned domestic and having severe anxiety just adds to the problem.I fully understand her.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 09/01/2023 08:02

What happens if it doesn't work out

Think carefully what you would do before you actually go on and do it

Wolfiefan · 09/01/2023 08:26

She really really needs proper help and support.

linak · 09/01/2023 10:17

Sorry to hear about this OP! After my parents split, mum had a relationship with someone who frightened me as a child and who was often angry and mean. Even though she split up from that partner when I was 20 and she met another man after that, I was unable to be under the same roof with her new partner. I physically could not be near him and this is not a normal reaction so I needed support, both through therapy and by knowing that my mum was there to support me too. It was very important for me to be able to spend time with her without her new partner (I didn't live with her) but she refused so I think your situation is different because you understand why your daughter is like that but my mum didn't see it. In short, I felt let down by her as I felt she put her new relationship first in what was a very important period in my life and our own relationship never recovered from it.

With that said, I don't think it would be healthy for you or your daughter to be together in your house forever either, she needs independence and space and so do you, but I think she also needs your support. If you move in with your partner permanently now she might spend less time with you and might isolate even more (I know I did), on the other hand, if you stay with her indefinitely but she's not getting the proper support she needs, she'll rely on you too much and not become independent. If I was in this situation, I'd continue to split my time between the two homes but that alone is not enough, I'd try to support her to seek specialist help and make progress. If she can make progress and is happy, you won't have to feel like you're choosing between them. This way you can keep your financial security, support your daughter and still spend time with your partner, who should be understanding, patient and tolerant.

smileyeye · 09/01/2023 12:32

You may not be allowed to sign over a council property to your DD. It doesn't always work like that.

Original poster
crazylady121 · 09/01/2023 13:23

linak. Thank you for your honesty.My daughter is making slow progress daily.My concern also is that my daughter is just going along with it to keep me happy.Deep down I wonder if I will feel happy.My children are my priority. I'm waiting for council to get back to me so no decisions made final yet.Had a meeting before Christmas and there aware of situation.My housing officer has been very helpful,explaining the negatives too.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/01/2023 13:24

But you won't want to move to Spain so what's the point?

Can you and your DD not be joint tenants?

What if you move in with him and it doesn't work, he's abusive? You'll be trapped.

FlowerArranger · 09/01/2023 13:29

Don't move.
Don't let him move in.
Don't even think of moving to Spain.

None of the above would be in your best interest, or your daughter's.
You need to focus on what is best for YOU and her.

Your daughter will always be your daughter.
Who knows whether your partner will still be around in 5 or 10 or 20 years time.

Don't let him manipulate you!!

ThePear · 09/01/2023 13:36

Obviously don’t give up your home, or emigrate. Not sure why it’s even a possibility since it’d be such a terrible idea it shouldn’t even have been brought up.
If the boyfriend isn’t happy with dating without you throwing away your home and security, dump him. It’s honestly shocking that you’d even consider doing something that’s such a blatantly terrible idea.

FinallyHere · 09/01/2023 13:37

ThePear · 09/01/2023 13:36

Obviously don’t give up your home, or emigrate. Not sure why it’s even a possibility since it’d be such a terrible idea it shouldn’t even have been brought up.
If the boyfriend isn’t happy with dating without you throwing away your home and security, dump him. It’s honestly shocking that you’d even consider doing something that’s such a blatantly terrible idea.

This. ^

Honestly.

StarDolphins · 09/01/2023 13:41

Never in a million years would I be up for this. Please don’t give up your home & security.

ThePear · 09/01/2023 13:41

Have you not done any work on yourself since you abusive relationship that traumatised your child? Self worth, assertiveness, spotting red flags, bare minimum decent behaviour from men, what financial and housing security looks like? All of these things should be the priority, not throwing your house away to appease some bloke.

Original poster
crazylady121 · 09/01/2023 16:21

I really appreciate all your opinions.He's a good man but I do think a bit selfish to not just carry on as we are and see where things go.Me and my children are very close,my son has stated concerns too,about my independence and re locating.

OP posts:
Seasider2017 · 09/01/2023 16:43

Do not let him dictate to you what HE wants !

you can NOT sign over tenancy on council house, so where would your dd go?
you would be really insane to give up a long term safe accommodation.
Nobody can get private rented houses/flats with
the same safety net as a council accommodation.

what happens if you move in with him, 2/3/5 years down the line for whatever reason you split ?

Original poster
crazylady121 · 09/01/2023 17:20

I don't feel comfortable really giving up my house,I went through a lot to get where I am today.I feel I'd be giving up a lot .

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 09/01/2023 17:41

So why are you even considering it?
Where are your boundaries?

I'm actually wondering whether you are ready for a relationship, especially with someone you describe as a bit selfish.

Given your past history with an abuser and your apparent inability to prioritize your interests, I would suggest that you look for some counselling, or at least read some books on self-esteem.

But whatever you do, please STAY PUT 💐

Original poster
crazylady121 · 09/01/2023 22:23

Nothing going to happen this year for sure,I'm in no hurry.Our relationship is good,I only meant selfish as in wanting me so much to move in.We tried to do a house swap but my daughter couldn't handle the change or others living in house.Just looking for solutions for it to work for all of us.Both our children get on with either of us.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 09/01/2023 22:24

Focus on you and your daughter. Dealing with her issues and you setting boundaries.

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