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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Moving on with partner

45 replies

crazylady121 · 09/01/2023 07:21

I live with my 20 year old daughter.My partner of 2 years would like me to move in with him.As house is council,I would have to sign over tenancy to my daughter for her to be able to stay there.I cannot work due to health so would lose a lot of financial income and independence.He can't move in with me as daughter has severe social anxiety,I don't have a lot of people around for that reason.He finds it harder than I not being together,I'm happy to carry on as are,I still see him 4 days a week.Opinions please 😊

OP posts:

Original poster

crazylady121 · 09/01/2023 22:30

Thank you all for advice and support.

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 09/01/2023 22:37

Put your foot down, definitely no moving in, your daughter is way more important than a man you've known 2 years.

ThePear · 10/01/2023 00:59

Eh? It can ‘work’ by just dating the bloke, who cares, he’s just some guy. You’re each grandparents and you are dependent on an agency housing you as a single woman. Focus on your kids and grandkids, date the guy whenever, no big deal.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/01/2023 01:19

Fgs do not relinquish your independence!!!!

ThirtyThreeTrees · 10/01/2023 01:32

There isn't a man alive that I would you've up my home for if I had no change of ever being able to provide another for myself in the event it all went wrong.

Also, he won't get married do effectively & I'm sorry to be blunt, you risk immediate homelessness. Even if you agree he agress to it in a will, there's a risk of hike changing it at any time. I couldn't have that hanging over my head.

A man who can't understand or respect this, wouldn't be for me. There aren't enough good points to cancel out the real risk.

barmycatmum · 10/01/2023 04:09

Never. Never, never give up your stability and security to rely on a man’s word. Never.
they’ll wake up one day and say they’re not in love with you anymore.

do not do this.

Ihadenough22 · 10/01/2023 04:59

A few years ago I knew someone in a similar position to you. They told a friend what was going on. Their friend advised them not to leave their home. They realised what they were been asked to give up and that long term it was a bad idea.

One of my friends knows a lady who got a council house as single mother. This lady gave up this house at a later date. She went into private rental. She is now married with 3 children. She living in a small rental house in a rural area. She can't move because rent has risen a lot in her general area and their is very little available. If she had stayed in her council house she would be in a town. Along with this she could have the option of buying this council house if she stayed in it.

In your situation I would stay in your house. I would speak to your GP about getting some help for your daughter. She is 20 and long term you want her to be able to leave home and have her own life.

Original poster

crazylady121 · 10/01/2023 07:34

My daughter is getting help and improving slowly.I wouldn't do anything that would set her back.If I was sure ,I wouldn't be on here for opinions.Thank you all .

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 10/01/2023 09:56

Our relationship is fab but I feel pressure on me because he wants to move things on

If your relationship was fab, you'd be discussing this with him, not us, and he'd be making sure you stopped feeling pressure.

He's not selfish to want what he wants, but you're not selfish to want something different. You're clear in your own mind that your kids are your priority; why do you need opinions from a forum? Do you doubt yourself? Why?

KettrickenSmiled · 10/01/2023 10:12

He finds it harder than I not being together,I'm happy to carry on as are,I still see him 4 days a week.Opinions please

Yet another man who feels his wishes & convenience outweighs a woman's right to financial & housing security.

You are happy as you are - why on earth would you change that?
NEVER expose yourself to a risk like this for a man. A decent man would never expect you to.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/01/2023 10:13

He has discussed looking after me securely but would never marry again

He is full of shit & wants to use you.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/01/2023 10:14

My housing officer has been very helpful,explaining the negatives too.

Please listen to them, & not your selfish man.

Warspite · 10/01/2023 10:25

Do not give up your home. Please don’t.

I did & it all went pear shape within a year. I stepped out of the housing market (sold my house in good faith) and it was a killer to get back on it.

Judging by my life experience and this forum’s advice, in reality men just want a mother figure & sex.
Do not do it.

layladomino · 10/01/2023 11:11

Put your daughter before this man. She is improving, slowly. If I were you I wouldn't want to disrupt that. I'd want to see her much improved and genuinely happy with how things are before I changed anything.

As well as that, please don't give up your independence and security for a man who pressures you, thinks he should be more important than your children to you, wants you to give up things for him (and move countries) but is clear he won't ever formally commit to you.

Don't give in to pressure from anyone. Think about what YOU want. What makes YOU happy. What's best for YOURS and your childrens' future secuirity and wellbeing. Don't put his demands ahead of your own and your children's needs and happiness.

He sounds like bad news. Selfish. Demanding. Guilt-tripping. Thinks he should be the centre of your world. Thinks you should give up your own life for him. It would be a HUGE risk to do what he wants - a risk to your happiness, yoru daughter's wellbeing and happiness, your future home and financial security. All for what? A man who puts himself first every time.

Original poster

crazylady121 · 10/01/2023 11:43

I do have to admit😊most men I've met expect you to put them first,my family will always be priority.I guess because it doesn't feel right to give over my home and leave my daughter,I turned to this forum for others thoughts on matter.I appreciate your honesty and time .

OP posts:

Original poster

crazylady121 · 13/01/2023 13:26

We have had a very deep discussion about our situation.I have told my partner all of my concerns.He has been very understanding and was upset that I felt pressured.It was good to clear air.Pressure off ,see where life takes us.He is caring and I can talk to him,just wanted outsiders opinions.Has really helped😊

OP posts:

frozendaisy · 13/01/2023 14:11

He's offering nothing effectively just words.
Words don't house you.

Just explain you are not willing to change your housing situation right now. You might look into things if your daughter, when your daughter, starts her independent adult life, but until then if what you have isn't enough for him then you wish him well but it's all you can offer. No hard feelings. Easy, calm, no blame.

Original poster

crazylady121 · 13/01/2023 17:19

Yes,that's what we've discussed.

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Original poster

crazylady121 · 15/01/2023 14:29

Move to Spain has been dropped.Partner was quite upset I felt pressured and unsettled about it all.

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Maryrose80 · 15/01/2023 15:22

Sending hugs OP, I agree with others above, please don't move x

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