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Original poster

Confused about DP's attitude to sex and ED

30 replies

Tryingtoavoidsugar · 08/01/2023 14:40

Hi, I'm new to posting but been lurking a while. I'm been in a relationship with DP for a few months although we've known each other for a number of years.

When we got together DP confided that he has ED (probably the result of medication he's on) and we've been trying to overcome challenges associated with that. Viagra helps at times but not always. He sometimes gets hard but not hard enough, other times he's hard initially but then loses the erection within a short time. I don't know much about ED but I imagine it's typical.

I'm trying hard to be patient and not make an issue of it. We both struggle with stamina and it's hard to 'finish' for other reasons as well. We've been trying to focus on intimacy rather than the physical act of sex which has worked well for a while but I'm feeling as though he's losing motivation more and more and we haven't been doing it as much.

DP has always been kinkier than me but I've been trying to think of ways to improve things, which I know he appreciates. But I'm feeling a bit hurt about something and I wondered what people's thoughts were. I don't know if I'm being silly about this.

I suggested to DP in a text that I bought a kinky outfit of some sort and we did a bit of role play. DP responded very positively to this which was great. However, the following day he said that he'd love it if he bought me something that he never sees, that I just wear around my home and send him pics of.

I said I'd do that if it got him excited but I feel disappointed that he seems to not want to engage in sex. It's like he wants to keep me at a distance? Is it weird to want to get pics rather than actually do it?

Also, when I've tried to give him a BJ, he seemed to get softer rather than harder. Neither of us have commented as I don't want to give him a complex but I'm finding it's impacting on my motivation to turn him on, hence thinking outside the box to kink etc.

He used to watch porn a lot but stopped when we got together. He says he desires me and finds me attractive and that's not the issue. This is the first time I've experienced sex with a man who has ED and I have no idea how to proceed.

Any thoughts, help welcome.

I just feel a bit down with it all.

OP posts:
Mischance · 08/01/2023 14:46

Sounds blooming hard work, rather than a mutual joy.

I would move on if I were you. This is a man who is all porned out and you would probably be happier with a normal guy.

Original poster
Tryingtoavoidsugar · 08/01/2023 14:54

I don't really want to leave. He's a lovely guy, kind, caring and supportive. Sex has always been important to both of us and we are trying to make it work. He doesn't watch porn anymore - he has told me this and I believe him. We both have health issues that affect us in different ways.

OP posts:
SomethingLessIdentifiable · 08/01/2023 14:56

He used to watch porn a lot but stopped when we got together.

Aye right.

You’re only a few months into this relationship. Cut your losses, it ain’t going to get any better.

Icecreamandapplepie · 08/01/2023 14:57

Be watched loads of porn, got together with you and stopped?

Very likely.

Notimeforaname · 08/01/2023 14:59

I would leave too. Its your only choice ...other than accepting this is how he is.
Which one wouid you rather live with?

You cant controle his erections or when he chooses to have sex or be intimate.

Walk away or accept it. Dont keep banging your head off a brick wall and expecting a different result.

Notimeforaname · 08/01/2023 15:00

I also dont believe he just stopped watching porn because you got together. Men say that A LOT.

sianiboo · 08/01/2023 15:13

My partner also gave me the old 'I don't watch porn since being with you' line as well. Of course it was an absolute load of old wank (literally), as I found out when I borrowed his tablet one day and he'd forgotten to clear out his search history...

Oopsiedaisyy · 08/01/2023 15:28

I dont see that porn use is the issue here, my BF watches porn, I know as he has shared links to what he enjoys... And we have a very active and healthy sex life.

Sounds like he has other issues related to performance?

Stayingstrongish · 08/01/2023 16:10

Maybe he is a bit embarrassed. With my current partner sometimes we take breaks and hug for a while if this happens. Would he consider taking viagra?

ChocoFudge · 08/01/2023 16:40

You've only been together a few months? It's not going to get any better. I would leave.

Bard6817 · 08/01/2023 16:48

Going to try and not read too much into it like others have.

ED is an issue for some oldies, sometimes it’s ED, but at other times it’s a lack of motivation.

Guys have a habit of hiding what they want and like sometimes, especially if it’s something out of the ordinary. If you’re brave enough, try exploring that with him. There’s a whole mad sexual world out there that can range from diverse power dynamics to including others too.

Good luck to you both.

YerArseInParsley · 10/11/2023 07:29

@Tryingtoavoidsugar
I don't know if you've noticed but the mn default setting is telling people to leave.

You say he wants pictures, have you asked him what difference tye pictures will make? Is he able to get hard on his own and pleasure himself without anyone there? I would ask those questions.

He also needs to go to his GP about ED.

Loubelle70 · 10/11/2023 07:39

Had this.
Believe me, hes still watching porn.

Loubelle70 · 10/11/2023 07:42

Oopsiedaisyy · 08/01/2023 15:28

I dont see that porn use is the issue here, my BF watches porn, I know as he has shared links to what he enjoys... And we have a very active and healthy sex life.

Sounds like he has other issues related to performance?

Porn use can be the ONLY issue. If over used (nm my moral standpoint on it)..porn can desensitize (mentally and physically) and some can become dependent on it. Honest conversation needed.

Loubelle70 · 10/11/2023 07:44

sianiboo · 08/01/2023 15:13

My partner also gave me the old 'I don't watch porn since being with you' line as well. Of course it was an absolute load of old wank (literally), as I found out when I borrowed his tablet one day and he'd forgotten to clear out his search history...

Same. He was watching hours at a time. E.D as a result and disinterest in everything.

PosterBoy · 10/11/2023 07:45

He used to watch porn. Now he wants to wank off to photos you send him.

Progress!

It's not always what we expected.

C1N1C · 10/11/2023 07:46

I'm just going to comment on the bj bit as I've encountered a similar thing.
The simple answer here is ask him. Not while he's getting soft, but before. Be kinky, but also blunt. Say you want this to be the best ever and ask him to be controlling and not shy. Get him to tell you while it's happening exactly what he wants. Faster, slower, rougher.. whatever.

Sex is a funny one where early on you're so caught up in the moment, you're worried about asking for too much... and in established relationships, you're so worried about 'correcting' someone because they've developed a pride in believing they've been doing it right all this time.

Loubelle70 · 10/11/2023 07:47

PosterBoy · 10/11/2023 07:45

He used to watch porn. Now he wants to wank off to photos you send him.

Progress!

It's not always what we expected.

More like he still watches porn and wants her to emulate those situations. Selfish arse

Maddy70 · 10/11/2023 07:56

Sex doesn't have to be penetrative tbh the rest of the stuff is the exciting part.

If the rest of the relationship Is good I wouldn't consider leaving but continue as you both are and finding a way that works for you both

JIMMI85 · 10/11/2023 08:11

OP, before I go too deep, can you answer the following;

  • how hold is he
  • is he overweight
  • what type of porn was/is he watching
  • does he want to rectify the issue(s)
  • If you knew the rest of the relationship was going to be like this, an in things wouldn’t improve, how would you feel and would that be cause for you to leave?
redastherose · 10/11/2023 08:16

You've mentioned kink and him watching loads of porn but having stopped. Even if he has stopped which is unlikely, he has probably spent so much time watching more and more extreme king porn that his brain has become wired to only respond to that level of kink. It's fine if it's something you are both into and get off on but if not you will never satisfy him and the ED will get worse as the relationship progresses. You will only be able to satisfy him by indulging in something extreme which will put you in the position of possibly doing things you don't really want to do.

Loubelle70 · 10/11/2023 08:17

redastherose · 10/11/2023 08:16

You've mentioned kink and him watching loads of porn but having stopped. Even if he has stopped which is unlikely, he has probably spent so much time watching more and more extreme king porn that his brain has become wired to only respond to that level of kink. It's fine if it's something you are both into and get off on but if not you will never satisfy him and the ED will get worse as the relationship progresses. You will only be able to satisfy him by indulging in something extreme which will put you in the position of possibly doing things you don't really want to do.

This

Believe me, he is heavily into porn

Ballsbaill · 10/11/2023 09:50

ChocoFudge · 08/01/2023 16:40

You've only been together a few months? It's not going to get any better. I would leave.

Along with this.. Walk away or accept it. Dont keep banging your head off a brick wall and expecting a different result.

Why are people so quick to give up.

Everyone said this about my boyfriend. He is long term single, OCD, autistic spectrum. He had all these rules for when he could see me, needs time alone.

Sex wasn't great as so little experience.

I confided in friends who all said these things.

Now it's been nearly a year. I decided to just back off and not make an issue of it. Sure enough things are changing at his own doing and not prompted by me.

He sees me much more often and is being more open. Sex is improving so much.

The first few months are often no indicator of how things are.

You can do what I did...let him know you're not happy with how things are see what he says. If he wants things to improve give him time to do it. If they don't change they don't but then you know.

Tell him you suspect he watches porn, you want it to stop etc. More intimacy etc. If he won't do it then you know.

ThePoetsWife · 10/11/2023 09:57

Are you sure he does not want the pics for his wank bank and porn collection?

Orio2023 · 10/11/2023 11:13

he said that he'd love it if he bought me something that he never sees, that I just wear around my home and send him pics of

What would you get out of doing this? Fuck all. That’s what.

He has declined your suggestion of sex and intimacy as a couple, and instead asked you to provide him with arousing pictures that he can enjoy alone. He doesn’t want you to be involved. He plans to exclude you. Your only role is to provide the pictures.

I would feel furious and quite sickened by this. This man has got serious problems.

He’s asking you for wank fodder for him to enjoy alone. Men whose brains are saturated with porn often have very full filling sex lives. With themselves.

I wouldn’t want to see him again after that suggestion.