Confused about DP's attitude to sex and ED

[Tryingtoavoidsugar]

Hi, I'm new to posting but been lurking a while. I'm been in a relationship with DP for a few months although we've known each other for a number of years.

When we got together DP confided that he has ED (probably the result of medication he's on) and we've been trying to overcome challenges associated with that. Viagra helps at times but not always. He sometimes gets hard but not hard enough, other times he's hard initially but then loses the erection within a short time. I don't know much about ED but I imagine it's typical.

I'm trying hard to be patient and not make an issue of it. We both struggle with stamina and it's hard to 'finish' for other reasons as well. We've been trying to focus on intimacy rather than the physical act of sex which has worked well for a while but I'm feeling as though he's losing motivation more and more and we haven't been doing it as much.

DP has always been kinkier than me but I've been trying to think of ways to improve things, which I know he appreciates. But I'm feeling a bit hurt about something and I wondered what people's thoughts were. I don't know if I'm being silly about this.

I suggested to DP in a text that I bought a kinky outfit of some sort and we did a bit of role play. DP responded very positively to this which was great. However, the following day he said that he'd love it if he bought me something that he never sees, that I just wear around my home and send him pics of.

I said I'd do that if it got him excited but I feel disappointed that he seems to not want to engage in sex. It's like he wants to keep me at a distance? Is it weird to want to get pics rather than actually do it?

Also, when I've tried to give him a BJ, he seemed to get softer rather than harder. Neither of us have commented as I don't want to give him a complex but I'm finding it's impacting on my motivation to turn him on, hence thinking outside the box to kink etc.

He used to watch porn a lot but stopped when we got together. He says he desires me and finds me attractive and that's not the issue. This is the first time I've experienced sex with a man who has ED and I have no idea how to proceed.

Any thoughts, help welcome.

I just feel a bit down with it all.

I definitely would not send photos of myself in kinky outfits to a man I’d only been seeing a few months. Who knows where they might end up?

And yes, the ED may well be connected to with porn use. It’s unlikely to improve because your partner is unlikely to stop using porn.

"I don't really want to leave. He's a lovely guy, kind, caring and supportive".

When he wants to be. Your relationship bar is sub level and that is also what has made you attractive to this person. He probably thinks you are so desperate for male company that you would put up with any old shit.

"Sex has always been important to both of us and we are trying to make it work".

You're tying yourself up in knots pretsel style trying to make it work. What is he doing exactly to help his own self here re the ED apart from asking you for photos; photos BTW that could end up on the web.

"He doesn't watch porn anymore - he has told me this and I believe him"

And what direct evidence do you yourself have for this; none whatsoever. You state you've known him for years; well there are thousands of people out there who are not what they seem and he is one of them. Clearly you did not know him as well as you thought you did.

Sex doesn't have to be penetrative tbh the rest of the stuff is the exciting part.

For some people. For me, PIV is the main meal, the rest is just a small starter.

ED is an issue for some oldies

One of my first boyfriends had ED. He was 17. Admittedly it becomes more common as men get older/if someone has health issues though.

Man here - I think you need to ask him straight out if he is getting off on his own when you are not there (with or without porn). If he is then he needs to stop - for a guy in normal health abstinence for a week or two will lead to a pretty strong desire - I'd struggle to go more than a week. If he is genuinely not able to finish under any circumstances then he should see his GP.

And I agree you should not send him photos - that sounds creepy and personally I think it humiliates a partner to make them dress as a sex toy (though I know some people are happy with it).

I agree. Sex is meant to give both partners pleasure.
Does he ever concentrate fully on giving you pleasure?
Has he seen his GP? If not, it could be because he knows full well that his problem is largely that he’s pornsick.
The fact that he is becoming less and less interested in sex with you isn’t a good sign for the relationship. Of course you don’t have to end it, but it seems likely that what you have now is as good as it will get.