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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my husband just threatened me

53 replies

ijustwantallthedogs · 08/01/2023 12:44

Me and my husband were having a silly argument about the strikes going on at the minute, it was barely even an argument when all of a sudden he stood up, said he was going but then came over to me holding his laptop up as if he was going to hit me with it and said “do you want me to hit you with this because I’m going to.”

The argument was silly, I didn’t even think it was that heated, it went from a discussion to him telling me to shut the fuck up when I tried to make one point, to him saying he was going to hit me with his laptop.

I didn’t say anything and then he sat back down and I came upstairs with the dogs.

This isn’t right, is it? Or am I overreacting? My heads a mess I don’t know what to think.

OP posts:
Bibonelove · 08/01/2023 12:47

What a charmer, No youre not over reacting!! Has he threatened you before?

yellowsun · 08/01/2023 12:47

No that’s definitely not ok. Has he been aggressive towards you before?

Spaghetti201 · 08/01/2023 12:48

Wow yes that’s awful, dreadful thing to happen to you. I would break up with a partner if they threatened me in that manner.

Shoxfordian · 08/01/2023 12:49

Are you safe? Call the police if you need to

Antst · 08/01/2023 12:52

This is a big deal. I'd be calling a friend or the police to the house so you're not alone with him and either making him leave or going and staying elsewhere.

This kind of thing never gets better. If he gets away with this and there's still a relationship, he'll learn that he can keep pushing the boundaries. I never tell people to end relationships lightly but I'd end this one.

billy1966 · 08/01/2023 12:52

So he threatened to assault you?

He's scum.

Is this really the life you want?

If you don't have children, get out now.

If you have children, start planning and reach out to Women's aid.

Reach out to Women's aid either way.

This is NOT normal behaviour.

Fearnecuptea · 08/01/2023 12:52

How long have you been together? Has he ever been aggressive to you before?

Original poster
ijustwantallthedogs · 08/01/2023 12:53

I feel like I’m safe. I could feel the tension when he stood up, I didn’t say a word because I believed he would do it in that moment but when he sat back down it was over and I don’t think he would now. If that makes sense.

I don’t know how to answer if he’s been aggressive before. I suppose technically yes. We don’t argue very often and I’m feeling like I’m remembering why now, I tend to do anything to keep the peace so we don’t get to moments like this.

OP posts:
BCBird · 08/01/2023 12:54

No that is not right. I would object to shut up even without the fuck. There is no excuse for the verbal intimidation or the threat of physical intimidation. Totally out of order. Look after yourself.

Fuckitydoodah · 08/01/2023 12:55

Wow that's quite a reaction. Has he ever said/done anything like that before? I'm sure you're in total shock. I know I would be and would struggle to process such a reaction.

I'd be asking him to go and stay somewhere else, at least for tonight whilst you gather your thoughts.

Original poster
ijustwantallthedogs · 08/01/2023 12:55

We’ve been together a long time. 19 years. All my adult life basically. I know it isn’t right what he’s just done but I can’t leave. I don’t have any money or anywhere to go.

OP posts:
Liveafr · 08/01/2023 12:56

No you're not overreacting. Just telling you to shut the fuck up is crossing a line and I would not tolerate even that.

Antst · 08/01/2023 12:58

@ijustwantallthedogs, the thing is, this needs to be discussed at some point and that is likely to upset him. I strongly recommend that you get out of the house for now and talk this over with someone. If you don't have any friends or family nearby and there is a counsellor available or a community police officer, or someone at your church (if you attend), try that.

I understand that you feel safe right now and I believe you. But you can't let this situation pass without comment and you should not address it with him alone. You also deserve to be somewhere where you're not on eggshells while you process this. If you can afford a hotel/AirBnB, I recommend you do that tonight.

YukoandHiro · 08/01/2023 12:58

Do you have children?

It doesn't matter if don't have any money. Call women's aid and ask for advice.

You don't know what will happen the next time.

365names · 08/01/2023 12:59

Would you leave if he hit you?

better to live in a cardboard box and on a friends sofa rather than with someone who can hit you. Please leave. It looks hard. But it isn’t.

linak · 08/01/2023 13:02

This is not okay and could be dangerous! Based on what you describe he might be trying to show control by intimidation, maybe he felt you were "right" during the discussion and some people with poor impulse control skills can, when feeling threatened, switch from 0 to 100 for any reason or no reason at all and if you live with them, you'll often be on the receiving end of these mood swings. Perhaps it hasn't escalated to a degree where you got hurt physically because you managed to deescalate the situation before but this behaviour might take a serious psychological toll over time, where you begin by doubting yourself, feeling anxious or walking on eggshells sort to speak

Greenshake · 08/01/2023 13:07

ijustwantallthedogs · 08/01/2023 12:55

We’ve been together a long time. 19 years. All my adult life basically. I know it isn’t right what he’s just done but I can’t leave. I don’t have any money or anywhere to go.

You can leave if you want to. Nobody should have to put up with this.

pinneddownbytabbies · 08/01/2023 13:12

ijustwantallthedogs · 08/01/2023 12:53

I feel like I’m safe. I could feel the tension when he stood up, I didn’t say a word because I believed he would do it in that moment but when he sat back down it was over and I don’t think he would now. If that makes sense.

I don’t know how to answer if he’s been aggressive before. I suppose technically yes. We don’t argue very often and I’m feeling like I’m remembering why now, I tend to do anything to keep the peace so we don’t get to moments like this.

He is using aggression and the threat of potential violence to control you.

That isn't good, because it has the effect you describe - you'll do anything to keep the peace.

knittingaddict · 08/01/2023 13:32

You can leave, of course you can. I'm not pretending that it's easy, but there is help out there and you just need to take the first step. I would stongly suggest calling Women's Aid. They were incredibly helpful when my daughter left her ex.

Original poster
ijustwantallthedogs · 08/01/2023 13:32

He came upstairs and asked if I was still in a mood and I didn’t know what to do so I said no I’ve just been folding laundry, now I’m sat with him again and he’s eating a cheese sandwich I made for him. No mention of anything.

This is absurd.

OP posts:
Antst · 08/01/2023 13:39

@ijustwantallthedogs, this has to be addressed. Don't feel like you have to do it today if you're shaken or worrid about his mood, but it has to happen. Like I said earlier, I think you should find someone to be there when you have the conversation.

Andsoforth · 08/01/2023 13:41

ijustwantallthedogs · 08/01/2023 13:32

He came upstairs and asked if I was still in a mood and I didn’t know what to do so I said no I’ve just been folding laundry, now I’m sat with him again and he’s eating a cheese sandwich I made for him. No mention of anything.

This is absurd.

What do you think would have happened if you had said yes? Or not answered him?

NerrSnerr · 08/01/2023 13:42

I don’t know how to answer if he’s been aggressive before. I suppose technically yes. We don’t argue very often and I’m feeling like I’m remembering why now, I tend to do anything to keep the peace so we don’t get to moments like this.

Do you have children?

He is showing you who he is- he has been 'technically' aggressive before so it could escalate.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 08/01/2023 13:42

ijustwantallthedogs · 08/01/2023 13:32

He came upstairs and asked if I was still in a mood and I didn’t know what to do so I said no I’ve just been folding laundry, now I’m sat with him again and he’s eating a cheese sandwich I made for him. No mention of anything.

This is absurd.

« Are YOU in a mood »??? That is indeed absurd and I’m glad you recognize it. This is a deeply unhealthy relationship, and you deserve better. 19 years is a long time to put up with this.

TabithaTittlemouse · 08/01/2023 13:45

He’s a horrible violent thug and using the threat of violence to make a point then blaming you for being in a mood.

Can you stay somewhere else tonight?

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