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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my husband just threatened me

53 replies

ijustwantallthedogs · 08/01/2023 12:44

Me and my husband were having a silly argument about the strikes going on at the minute, it was barely even an argument when all of a sudden he stood up, said he was going but then came over to me holding his laptop up as if he was going to hit me with it and said “do you want me to hit you with this because I’m going to.”

The argument was silly, I didn’t even think it was that heated, it went from a discussion to him telling me to shut the fuck up when I tried to make one point, to him saying he was going to hit me with his laptop.

I didn’t say anything and then he sat back down and I came upstairs with the dogs.

This isn’t right, is it? Or am I overreacting? My heads a mess I don’t know what to think.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 08/01/2023 13:47

This isn’t right, is it? Or am I overreacting? My heads a mess I don’t know what to think

The fact that you're even asking this shows that you cannot see clearly. Of course you're not overreacting. You should be furious. Next time you might not be as lucky and he may actually strike. Are you really going to wait for him to do that??

queencookiemonster · 08/01/2023 13:48

You say you don't have any money OP. Has he been controlling your finances too?

What you've described today really isn't good and it sounds like you've been walking on eggshells for a very long time. It's no way to live. As someone who has left a relationship like this and sought support in doing so, please, please ring women's aid when it's safe to do so. They are really knowledgeable and supportive.

Also, please call 999 if things escalate and you feel unsafe. If you're unable to speak to say you want the police, the operator will ask if you're there and unable to speak. At that point, tap 55 and they'll put you through to police and try to locate you without speaking to you. It's called the silent solution if you want to find out more info. Also if you want to get support online from domestic abuse charities, most have a safe escape route from every part of their website and some of the bigger ones have online chat. If you click on the escape route, it'll take you to an unassuming page like Google in case you need to hide what you're looking at.

I really hope you get some support and things get better for you.

MiniCooperLover · 08/01/2023 13:49

So by his asking 'are you in a mood', he's clearly aware he's acted like a dick but he's trying to make you think it was all your fault. And if you were 'oh it was just a joke', except it clearly wasn't ...

Andsoforth · 08/01/2023 13:50

Can I just say that I don’t think you are being absurd? I think you are responding sensibly to a threat.

It’s much easier to see and understand direct threats or physical violence. There’s a layer of gaslighting in this - are you in a mood? is a reworking of reality

This isn’t a sit down and have a conversation issue.

Herejustforthisone · 08/01/2023 13:50

I can’t leave. I don’t have any money or anywhere to go.

The most depressing words you can ever read on this godforsaken forum.

Soothsayer1 · 08/01/2023 13:52

Definitely not ok, at the very least he should be willing to have a Frank and honest discussion about what happened, if he tries to minimise deny or even pretend it didn't happen that's a big red flag ☹️👎
I would start a log and write a detailed description of the incident, keep it private.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 08/01/2023 13:52

ijustwantallthedogs · 08/01/2023 13:32

He came upstairs and asked if I was still in a mood and I didn’t know what to do so I said no I’ve just been folding laundry, now I’m sat with him again and he’s eating a cheese sandwich I made for him. No mention of anything.

This is absurd.

I hope it chokes him.

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 08/01/2023 13:52

We don’t argue very often and I’m feeling like I’m remembering why now, I tend to do anything to keep the peace so we don’t get to moments like this.

That's why he does this. He gets his own way because you're too scared to set him off again.

RandomMess · 08/01/2023 13:57

He is aggressive and you are frightened of him which is why you ensure you never argue with him.

That's so sad, speak to Women's Aid Flowers

ICanHideButICantRun · 08/01/2023 14:01

That is really shocking. Do you have children together? Do you work?

linak · 08/01/2023 14:09

By asking if you're in a mood he's both making you doubt whether what he did was wrong (gaslighting) and making you think that it was you being in a mood when it was in fact him (projection).

When he came with the laptop, you didn't acknowledge that he was not acting right. That was the first chance to address the intimidation but know that interfering with abuse can be dangerous. When he asked if you were in a mood, you said you weren't, that was the second chance to state this is not tolerable if you're not planning to leave immediately but if you do nothing at all the signal you're sending is that this behaviour is okay.

The problem is that even if you do answer, he could just be taunting you to react and might become threatening again so please stay safe! One thing you can try is journaling these situations so you don't doubt yourself and learn to quickly identify when this behaviour is happening

Original poster
ijustwantallthedogs · 08/01/2023 15:35

I’m already rationalising myself out of this, blaming myself and telling myself it wasn’t that bad.

Im so sick of this cycle though. Something happens like this and I think I need to leave but I don’t then I forget about it and feel in love with him again until the next thing happens, I remember everything and want to leave.

Why am I so scared. I think I want to leave but the thought of actually doing it is terrifying and for the most part he’s really good. But if he was that good why would I want to leave.

OP posts:
desperatelyseekssolace · 08/01/2023 15:55

So very sorry to hear this. I suffered for a few years and the emotional abuse and threats of physical became more frequent, in the end I was quite badly attacked. I left but not before he had drained me of everything - personality, humour and sense of self had gone. I'm OK now. But seriously you are living with a narcissist who is exerting coercive control. Please think back to how many times you bite your lip, do things to appease and try to please and not rock the boat. How many times has he made an effort to make you happy - truly happy? Here is a link that might help https://psychcentral.com/lib/narcissistic-relationships

If a man controls your money he controls you... please be careful and reach out to a friend who can help you. Stay strong and safe.

Pixiedust1234 · 08/01/2023 16:03

I tend to do anything to keep the peace so we don’t get to moments like this.

Hes trained you well. You are in an abusive relationship with a very nasty, controlling man. Please call womensaid and let them advise you.

Hes threatening physical violence, he's changing you through fear, he's probably financially abusing you too and he's reeling you back in by throwing you breadcrumbs of kindness such as making you a cup of tea, before doing it all again. Go call them please. Yours is a classic case unfortunately.

rogueone · 08/01/2023 16:06

So he threatened to hit you with a laptop, he comes upstairs and asks if your in a mood and you say nothing and head off and make him a sandwich. This is such an unhealthy dynamic.

what is stopping you from challenging him after he threatened you? I hope you don’t have kids as if your tip toeing round him so they will they be. Contacted woman’s aid and seek some external
support

Onefootinthegroove · 08/01/2023 16:13

I lived with an abuser.
This is abuse.
One day he wont just threaten, he will act. Get out before he has the chance. I didnt and ended up with a black eye, broken nose and broken ribs before I finally left ( with help. )

Soothsayer1 · 08/01/2023 17:21

Why am I so scared
because you are living with a man who is behaving in a threatening manner and is big enough to easily overpower you, the constant feeling of menace makes it hard to think rationally & strategically and so you are left with the 'instinctive' response of feeling the need to fawn over & placate the aggressor. Those instincts are there to protect you in the short term.
However in the long long term this is enabling his behaviour and he may well escalate, you need an escape plan so that you can survive in the longer term.

Original poster
ijustwantallthedogs · 08/01/2023 17:31

rogueone · 08/01/2023 16:06

So he threatened to hit you with a laptop, he comes upstairs and asks if your in a mood and you say nothing and head off and make him a sandwich. This is such an unhealthy dynamic.

what is stopping you from challenging him after he threatened you? I hope you don’t have kids as if your tip toeing round him so they will they be. Contacted woman’s aid and seek some external
support

I’m not sure what’s stopping me. I think probably just being scared, I believed in that moment that he would hit me if I said anything so I didn’t. I don’t know why I’m scared of saying anything now. I don’t want to end up back in that position again and I know he would make it my fault, that I dragged the argument on or I wouldn’t stop talking or something. I had listened to his rant for ages and I tried to make one point and that’s when it escalated.

OP posts:
Soothsayer1 · 08/01/2023 17:33

sounds like there is no point challenging him?
In which I'd say time to prioritize your safety and escape from this abusive situation.

bobbytorq · 08/01/2023 17:47

I wouldn't tolerate being told to shut the fuck up, never mind being threatened with violence.

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 08/01/2023 21:07

ijustwantallthedogs · 08/01/2023 17:31

I’m not sure what’s stopping me. I think probably just being scared, I believed in that moment that he would hit me if I said anything so I didn’t. I don’t know why I’m scared of saying anything now. I don’t want to end up back in that position again and I know he would make it my fault, that I dragged the argument on or I wouldn’t stop talking or something. I had listened to his rant for ages and I tried to make one point and that’s when it escalated.

Show quote history

You're absolutely right that he would blame you. But this is what you need to unpick from your consciousness. It doesn't matter what he thinks about you and what he holds you responsible for. He's a nasty piece of work. Maybe he has times when he's ok, but you're walking on eggshells 24/7. Even the good times aren't that good when you factor the constant low level anxiety into it.

You need to paddle back to shore. The further you let this wave take you out, the less strength you are going to have to get back to the shore. But you absolutely can do it.

Johnduttonsbuttocks · 08/01/2023 21:10

So this is escalating and will continue to until he hits you. And because you don't push back (I'm not saying you should) he's seeing what he can get away with.

I'm really sorry. What a nightmare. I hope you can stay safe. xxx

Nchangeagain · 27/03/2023 16:55

@ijustwantallthedogs how are you? How are things with your husband?

billyt · 28/03/2023 11:26

Nchangeagain · 27/03/2023 16:55

@ijustwantallthedogs how are you? How are things with your husband?

@Nchangeagain

Why are you just resurrecting threads? Nothing better to do with your time? One I could maybe understand but so many?

Sandy1965 · 03/09/2023 16:00

Hi I’m in the same situation 2 weeks ago he threaten to hit me because he came home drunk today having a drink non alcoholic and in front of his brother I started to talk about how my daughter wanted me to do a meal For her and my grandchildren as they have no kitchen he replied if you do I I come round the table and hit u one

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