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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner always needs to be busy

33 replies

SleepySlumber · 08/01/2023 10:33

Just a rant really!

Anyone else’s partner always need to have something to do? I’m quite a chilled (lazy) person who likes to relax on weekends. I’m also in my third trimester with my third child (2 from a previous relationship, he has none currently) so feel I deserve a rest every now and then!

Yesterday (Saturday) he was drilling in my house at 8am because he couldn’t wait any longer to get going with jobs. This morning we were up at 6am and out on an hours dog walk.

Then as soon as we get home he was listing all the jobs he wants US to do for the rest of our Sunday. He’s now banging around emptying my utility room to do a dump run. Might sound like a dream to some but it’s exhausting me because it’s my house and so I need to keep an eye on what he’s doing.

I’d be ok if I could trust him to just crack on with things but either he needs my participation 24/7 or if I leave him to something like a dump run he ends up throwing out a load of mine and my children’s things that I don’t want him to. Last weekend he threw away my child’s favourite soft toy because he was doing stuff without me!

Just exhausting trying to keep him “entertained” but without a load of jobs he’s a stroppy misery!

Also he has hobbies but not really anything that he does on his own so anything he wants to do will always involve me.

Any advice on how I can stop the cycle of weekend misery if we don’t have excessive plans in place to keep him occupied.

OP posts:

EmmaEmerald · 08/01/2023 10:35

He doesn't live with you? Can't you send him home?

Original poster

SleepySlumber · 08/01/2023 10:42

He does live with me now - just moved in - but I own the house so when he’s wanting to do work to it (as he seems to constantly) I don’t like him doing it without me knowing what he’s doing.

OP posts:

Spiralleddown · 08/01/2023 10:44

For DIY I'd cut him some slack - it makes sense to get it done before baby arrives

For hobbies smile nicely appreciate the offer and explain firmly you need to rest at this stage of pregnancy but you'll join him on another adventure when you're feeling up for it and send him on his way to enjoy whatever it is he wants to do.

waynesworldpartytimeexcellent · 08/01/2023 10:46

My husband is like this and it drives me insane. All my friends think he is great for being so proactive but I would love him to be a lazy slug sometimes.

Spiralleddown · 08/01/2023 10:47

waynesworldpartytimeexcellent · 08/01/2023 10:46

My husband is like this and it drives me insane. All my friends think he is great for being so proactive but I would love him to be a lazy slug sometimes.

I've been married to a lazy slug before and trust me it's just as stressful

Original poster

SleepySlumber · 08/01/2023 10:51

Yes my ex couldn’t even change a lightbulb so don’t get me wrong I appreciate the help. But like I said right now he’s doing a dump run and I can see about 5 things at the door that I don’t want throwing out that unless I pay attention and intervene will be! Just annoying having to monitor what he’s doing when he does his “jobs”

OP posts:

Notyetacatlady · 08/01/2023 10:52

Yep my dh never sits down ever. He’s always up doing something. It drives me insane. It would be better if it meant the house was spotless but it often creates more mess which he does tidy but means the house just stays the same. He seems to do the same jobs over and over too. He often complains that he’s soooo busy and never gets a minute! Ridiculous

KateMcCallister · 08/01/2023 10:53

Why is he throwing your stuff away? That's not helpful, it's disrespectful. Tell him to stop?

Mariposista · 08/01/2023 11:00

I am rather like your husband. A day/several hours slouching about on the sofa is my idea of hell. You need to find a fair compromise.

Unicorn2022 · 08/01/2023 11:00

You need to tell him not to do any more dump runs unless it's his stuff only! I can't believe he's throwing your stuff and kids toys away.

I hope you're detached if he's drilling at 8am or I feel for your neighbours too.

Jacksfesteringresentment · 08/01/2023 11:01

My ex was like this.
I don't have any advice, he became an ex before I got round to dealing with it!

But it was one of the things he did that wore me down and made me feel like shit, so I think you do need to broach it with him and find a resolution.

Could it be that one hour a week or whatever, you sort out stuff that needs to be dumped, and he's not allowed to touch anything else?

He needs to realise that his hobbies are his own, and it's good in a relationship to have separate interests.

In the meantime, try to supervise him from the sofa and try to rest as much as you can!

Bestcatmum · 08/01/2023 11:03

My exH had to be away every single weekend with or without me. Every bloody weekend was devoted to his hobbies, campains or whatever. It was utterly exhausting. After 20 years I was DONE with it. I don't remember one single weekend at home in all those years. Also don't mention the half finished jobs, the knocking things down and leaving them.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 08/01/2023 11:08

My husbands like this. I feel guilty if I'm not doing something. Yesterday, we had 30 minutes after lunch before we were going out, and dh asked what we should do in that time. I said I was planning to drink coffee and read the paper, he said he was going to put a mirror up and went off to find his drill.

He wasn't being judgmental, he just can't bear not to be busy. However, I then couldn't relax with the paper as I felt guilty that I was being lazy.

CousinKrispy · 08/01/2023 11:09

I can understand why this frustrates you, OP.

I wonder if he is capable of self-reflection and could listen openly to a conversation in which you explained that the two of you are just different on this, and you're a person who needs more downtime to recharge. That it's healthy for couples to have some independent hobbies and you're feeling stressed because he's putting his needs (for doing everything together) above yours (for having downtime). Neither of you is really in the wrong here (well, except he is wrong for throwing out your property!) it's just that you are two separate people and need to accommodate each other's differences.

junebirthdaygirl · 08/01/2023 11:12

As you have two children already and obviously a life with them he needs to be more independent and work around you all instead of expecting you to join him in all his activities. Couldn't he have gone off on his dog walk this morning on his own while you had a rest being pregnant and all. Just say no!! Perfect excuse being pregnant not to go walking at 6am..thats pure daft. And he needs to listen. You are not being lazy, just normal. You have work, dc etc to take your energy and need downtime too for your own health and well-being. What about a later walk. I have visions of you bounding along at top speed keeping up to that guy.
And you decide when utility room is cleared..not him. As he has just moved in l feel he is taking over too much and needs to back up a bit to give you all time to adjust. My dh is constantly on the go but l am sitting reading my book ignoring him not out walking at 6am. It has its advantages as he is always up for anything l suggest not like some men who never want to do anything. There is a compromise to be reached here before this new baby arrives.

Fireflygal · 08/01/2023 11:16

Op, for someone who has just moved in he doesn't seem to be respecting your boundaries or isn't being considerate.

He shouldn't be waking you if you need to rest - if he has hobbies why can't he do them solo?

How long have you known him? I had one like this...I admired his focus and ability to get stuff done but he was also extremely selfish. Your house means he should be involving you.

Hallmark1234 · 08/01/2023 11:16

He's only just moved into YOUR house, but is comfortable to get rid of YOUR things without asking you? Massive red flag and so disrespectful!

Be firm and nip it in the bud NOW!

Beachhutnut · 08/01/2023 11:37

I am a bit like this op. I do like quiet time with a coffee but can't lie in bed once I'm awake and although I don't mind TV downtime in the evenings I need to be doing something in the day. Always have a jobs list on the go. My DH is quite happy relaxing and I am sure I drive him nuts.

purpledalmation · 08/01/2023 11:37

You'll be glad later on when he's taking the kids out for the afternoon and leaving you to chill. I'm lazy but DH is always needing to do things/go somewhere. If he wasn't there I and the kids would die of boredom.

SeaToSki · 08/01/2023 11:42

Lists of job with specific boundaries (when to stop, where to put things, what to do with something if he isnt sure)

Ask him to go shopping for food and focus on the best deals

Research a holiday (actually, maybe you do that as its a sitting down job)

If your dc are 10 ish ask him to involve them as they will slow him down

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/01/2023 11:57

SleepySlumber

re your comment
"Yes my ex couldn’t even change a lightbulb so don’t get me wrong I appreciate the help".

It sounds like you've gone from one extreme to another; both are problematic.
This is not help at all from him; this is him stamping his presence and or authority in your home so I do not really think you appreciate this from him at all. He threw out your child's favourite soft toy; did he at all apologise for this?. Unless you state otherwise I would think not. Massive red flags are flying in the wind here.

Do not regard what he does as help either when it comes to housework; he is equally responsible.

I presume this man also wants you to give this child his surname when baby is born. I would not do this.

boatahoy · 08/01/2023 12:05

My dh is like this too, sometimes drives me bonkers and sometimes I wish I could have his motivation and get go. Up every day at 5.30am when at home and always doing something. Works abroad a lot so I do get chill time on weekends when he's away and live life at a slower pace.

Herejustforthisone · 08/01/2023 13:40

SleepySlumber · 08/01/2023 10:51

Who the fuck does he think he is, raking through yours and your kids’ stuff and deciding what he wants to bin? 🚩🚩🚩

JorisBonson · 08/01/2023 14:49

Mariposista · 08/01/2023 11:00

I am rather like your husband. A day/several hours slouching about on the sofa is my idea of hell. You need to find a fair compromise.

This. I'm exactly the same.

Militarywife7 · 08/01/2023 15:20

My husbands the exact same, he never sits still and always finds stuff to do and keep him busy. I’m quite a chilled out relaxed person similar to you. After 10 years I just let him do his own thing as you can’t change them. It’s sometimes motivating as I tend to let jobs pile up. I would just try to ignore him as much as possible as long as he’s not destroying the house!

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