Partner always needs to be busy

[SleepySlumber]

Just a rant really!

Anyone else’s partner always need to have something to do? I’m quite a chilled (lazy) person who likes to relax on weekends. I’m also in my third trimester with my third child (2 from a previous relationship, he has none currently) so feel I deserve a rest every now and then!

Yesterday (Saturday) he was drilling in my house at 8am because he couldn’t wait any longer to get going with jobs. This morning we were up at 6am and out on an hours dog walk.

Then as soon as we get home he was listing all the jobs he wants US to do for the rest of our Sunday. He’s now banging around emptying my utility room to do a dump run. Might sound like a dream to some but it’s exhausting me because it’s my house and so I need to keep an eye on what he’s doing.

I’d be ok if I could trust him to just crack on with things but either he needs my participation 24/7 or if I leave him to something like a dump run he ends up throwing out a load of mine and my children’s things that I don’t want him to. Last weekend he threw away my child’s favourite soft toy because he was doing stuff without me!

Just exhausting trying to keep him “entertained” but without a load of jobs he’s a stroppy misery!

Also he has hobbies but not really anything that he does on his own so anything he wants to do will always involve me.

Any advice on how I can stop the cycle of weekend misery if we don’t have excessive plans in place to keep him occupied.

Where and with whom (if anyone) did he live before moving in with you?

Seems to me he sees it as HIS place, to do it the way HE wants it, and is not asking you, he is just doing it. Talk about taking over your life and space! I could not handle that at all.

Better tackle it immediately or you will have your new baby AND another adult baby to raise.

Sounds like he'll have a newborn to care for soon, that should keep him busy.

I used to be like that. Couldn’t stop being active because I had undiagnosed ADHD.

In your situation, I’d tell him to get a hobby that doesn’t involve you and tell him you need breaks due to being pregnant/babe in arms/children underfoot.

If he literally cannot sit still and has been that way as long as he can remember, perhaps he could do with being assessed?

I'm like this, as is my family who visit 3/4 times a yr. Go-go-go-go.
Poor dp needs a rest after everyone has gone.😂
He does join in but I allow him to opt out when he's had enough.

My dad is like this and I find it exhausting, I know my mum does too. I suspect he has adhd due to various other behaviour too.

He needs to be busy, which means you can't chill around him. But also he's an absolutely nightmare in terms of doing tasks independently and making decisions. I can guarantee he will do the least helpful job foray. Or he'll hyper focus on something while ignoring all the day to day domestic stuff, like getting the garden sorted before Christmas.

Maybe I'm projecting as I don't like my dad much. But I'd really reflect on how he is and the ways it may be having an impact on you. Then you need to nip that in the bud before you start making tons of concessions towards him as it will end in resentment.

Thanks guys yes he definitely shows signs of ADHD and also autism so think that’s why he likes to have a plan and order for each day.

We’ve had words today so he knows this isn’t behaviour I can tolerate going forward. He also had to go through the bins to get back my child’s toy so think that’s taught him to not dare do that again!

The thing is that if it is ADHD and/or ASD “having words” about “behaviour I can’t tolerate going forward” isn’t going to magic him up an ability to not be constantly busy or planning as it’s a recognised disability.

You’re going to both need to be creative and channel his need to be constantly doing something into a schedule/plan that gives you the breaks and space you also need. Don’t be shy about letting go of things you usually do like cooking, washing up, cleaning, garden…think of him like a work horse…point his nose in the right direction and let him do a ton of work that benefits both of you and that you really do want done but may not have the energy being hugely pregnant. This is a great opportunity to do that, he doesn’t have to be limited to DIY or doing clear outs.

He’s also going to need to start process to get assessed and see if ADHD medication would help him relax a bit, for both your health and sanity. I now have hypertension due to my ADHD pushing me to always be doing something and giving me insomnia even with medication…

Why did you get up at 6am with him? Let him go off with the dog, no way should you feel like you have to do that?

What would he have done if you'd said "no thanks love, I fancy a bit more sleep, bring me a coffee when you get back in"

Anything other than "ok see you in a bit" is a red flag! He doesn't get to define your sleep
schedule