I'm a grown woman, how do I stop my passive aggressive stepmother from bothering me so much?!

[MuggleMe]

It's a long one. Need to vent. DM died when I was a pre-teen and DDad remarried pretty quick. SM was always on the defensive and lacked any maternal inclination. Things were rocky but I was a good kid who tried. She made me miserable.

Fast forward 25 years and I'm mid 30s, 2 kids (one ND), husband, and live 200 miles away. DDad is elderly, deaf, frail and confused. SM is the gatekeeper, i cannot communicate directly with him. He doesn't understand without help unless there in person.

After decades of SM taking slight at things she's perceived I've done or said wrong, we had established a workable relationship where things were civil. Until my brother accidently said something 'on my behalf' which wasn't a true reflection of how I felt. I tried putting her right at the time. Thought it was sorted.

Except now she's insisting we need a conversation to 'clear the air' about it (took a lot of digging to finally figure out it was this issue). Fine, about time. Except she's saying the only way is if I travel to them to have this conversation in person. Zoom/call won't work. 400 mile, 10 hour round trip. Would have to sort childcare (fine), hotel, travel.

I've insisted she at least give a call/zoom ago. She said she'd talk to DDad. No reply for 2 days. Can't sleep, thinking about it all the time. On tenterhooks for response.

I would go NC but I'd lose dad too.

This sounds very like the scenario my cousins had with their SM.

I'm not sure what you can do other than to drop the rope. No need to go no contact, but equally it doesn't sound as if the round trip is feasible on a regular basis and she sounds unwilling to facilitate online contact.

Hard as it is to accept, your DF - when he was in sound mind - chose to marry this woman and put his needs before those of his DCs. Unfortunately the repercussions of that are now being felt.

Sorry that may not be helpful, it sounds like such a hard situation for you as you sound like such a good DD.

I’d not be dancing to her tune any longer. Anything that needs to be said can be said by phone surely. She’s just trying to interfere and control the relationship you have with your father.

Just leave her stew, go and visit / speak to your father as you usually would. I have similar with my SM but they’re younger and despite my father fully being capable he allows her to run his life and be gatekeeper between us.

I just let them crack on, I don’t make myself overly available, if she wants the control then let her have it along with the caring responsibilities when it inevitably comes along.

Thanks. That's where I'm at, it's hard to let go. We visit as a family (stay elsewhere) once a year, send all expected cards etc and I share photos of kids as appropriate (starting school, thanking for gifts etc).

It had been better, then a couple things triggered upset for me.

1. They were on holiday 2.5 hours away and suggested a meet up. Fantastic! I suggested somewhere mid-way, couldn't do 5 hour trip in 1 day after working 3 days and solo childcare the next day. SM refused, needed to meet at theirs for this big conversation. I cried for 2 days. I really did want to see my dad.

1. Dad called my brother and asked to pass on Christmas wishes to me. I was gutted he'd managed a call to DB but not to me. When I dared to explore it with SM it was excruciating. Dad doesn't call on demand etc.

It's taking up so much head space aaaagh.

Do you think counselling would help?

Sounds like you've lost him already. Meeting or Zoom is pointless to hash out the argument, it sounds like she's blinkered anyway. I'd not be confiding in stiring brother either. I'd say go low contact until you are in a position to see Dad then open the can of worms then, probably by just showing up on the doorstep. You'll never stop her bothering you because bullies know which buttons to push.

Send your shit stirring brother the 400 miles to sort it out. He caused it.

I’m so sorry. That all sounds properly shit.

My DH had a gatekeeper second-wife situation with his DF (now deceased) where similarly things from long, long ago could be brought up as needed to destabilise the status quo in her favour. When he did get seriously ill, she had all the control she’d craved. It was a devastating thing.

If you went, might your brother or husband come as a silent partner in the conversation? It seems clear the ‘in person’ thing on her territory is to have your dad there too ‘on her side’
so I’d certainly refuse to go alone.

And yes, counselling will help.

Thanks @AnyMucca. DB is a sweetie and genuinely tries to improve things. My other sibling went NC years ago. I've told him to never speak for me again 😂.

No point turning up on doorstep, can't have a meaningful Convo with DDad without SM. I'll be made the baddie for stressing him out.

Hooow do I let it go? It's devastating.

@MuggleMe I am so, so sorry for you. I have been in your position and it's a horrible place to be. You can't really solve this. After my dad died I felt a massive weight had been lifted because I'd been grieving losing him for such a long time, his death was the end rather than the start in a way. I miss him, and torment myself with what I could have done differently but the fact that his wife is now completely out of my life is priceless.

To defend poor DB. He was accurately speaking on behalf of NC other brother, but either accidently included me in the comment or it was likely taken wrong.

I'm going to have to see it through if a zoom is accepted, but still undecided if it's worth salvaging for an in person visit.
Lovely in-laws are happy to take kids so DH and I can visit. But doubt it'll improve, or if it does, for long.

She just takes up so much of my mental space. Urgh.

Thanks all for responses. Very cathartic.

I'm resentful for having to travel 10 hours for her beef when SM wouldn't travel 2 a few months ago.

I would visit.

I sympathise (I could go toe to toe on having a complicated and fraught family situation, and I don’t underestimate how awful people can be), but it sounds as though this is a one off conversation and sometimes it is just easier to communicate in person.

It also sounds as though it is difficult for your Dad to communicate unless in person, so if you want to do that you need to travel.

If you then decide you need to go NC you will at least have had some time with your Dad.

I'm sorry OP, I think you just have to accept that any communication with your DF will be on SMs terms.

If she's anything like my DAunt she'll perceive herself as the victim, so I'd write a grovelling note saying how grateful you are that she cares so well for DF and apologise for not being able to travel up as frequently as you'd like to. Maybe arrange a regular flower delivery, I know it sounds cringe worthy, but try to keep her onside to keep communication with DF.

You could start posting letters and photos on a regular basis. Hopefully SM would show these to him and if not, at least you tried.

@Merrymouse I think you're right. Travel down, might solve things might not. Either way, chance to see dad. Mentally say goodbye.

Thanks everyone. Really helped me see the wood for the trees ❤️

Or a completely different method - just try to close it all down.

Send a card saying:

‘I have told you that DB was expressing other DB’s thoughts, not mine. I don’t have anything more to add.’

The problem is that you are still left waiting for a response.

She doesn’t WANT to make things easier, better or resolved.

she WANTS you to fuck off and leave them to it.

I agree, you’ve lost him already

potentially she gets some narcissistic supply by repeatedly goading you, so it may be possible to tell her that tbh, if she won’t come to you when she’s close by then you can’t do 10hours trip, so sadly whatever she’s got to say will have to remain unsaid.

it might be enough to put her in a panic that you’re dropping the rope and she’ll lose her entertainment.

if this is the case you can tell her you’ve explained yourself more than once, you’re not going to do so again, if she’s choosing to create drama for her own entertainment, that’s fine, but you’re not taking part in it anymore. Dad is welcome to call you whenever he likes and you’ll do whatever you can to see him regularly, but enough of the game playing.

I think this is a good plan.

Of course you are resentful- anyone would be! - but if you can put that aside, reframe the weekend into a chance to spend time with your DH and see your dad (whilst having to clear up a misunderstanding along the way) then you’ll feel better.

If the conversation does not improve things, send cards and photos in the post to your dad, as others have mentioned, and stop having to have much contact with SM.

Except now she's insisting we need a conversation to 'clear the air' about it (took a lot of digging to finally figure out it was this issue). Fine, about time. Except she's saying the only way is if I travel to them to have this conversation in person. Zoom/call won't work. 400 mile, 10 hour round trip. Would have to sort childcare (fine), hotel, travel.
😂😂😂
yeah right!
Sorry to scoff OP, but you have been living alongside SM's batshittery for so long you maybe can't see how ludicrous it is.
You know you can decline this invitation, yeah?
PP advised you to drop the rope. Do just that.

I've insisted she at least give a call/zoom ago. She said she'd talk to DDad. No reply for 2 days. Can't sleep, thinking about it all the time. On tenterhooks for response.
Stop agitating for a meeting you don't want to have.
She's not your headmistress. She doesn't get to summon you - let alone make you perform some kind of penitent act for her satisfaction.
You have already explained whatever the issue was that DB clumsily dropped you into. You don't owe her any further clarity on it - she is just using this as an opportunity to paint you as in the wrong.
Leave her to stew.
When she gets back to you on this (& she will - it's not about the meeting, it's about her controlling you & keeping you on the back foot), tell her you don't see any need for a meeting, & you won't be discussing it further.

I would go NC but I'd lose dad too.
It's horrible, frustrating & unfair. But I think you need to face the fact that you have pretty much lost him anyway at this point. She is gatekeeping, favouring DB, & relishing the power she has to stand between you & DF.
All that will happen if you pander to this woman is you will be humiliated, upset, & STILL not be able to contact your dad when you want to. She;s not going to start acting reasonably just because you play nice.

This is absolutely ridiculous.

I'd tell Dad I love him very much and would love to continue to have a relationship with him, but you are not willing to continue to participate in the mind games and gatekeeping that are being perpetuated by SM.

Tell him he's always welcome to phone you, visit you, the door is always open.

What smileyeye proposes would work if you were dealing with reasonable people but unfortunately you are not. The "rule book" of familial relations goes out of the window when it comes to dysfunctional families like you are describing re SM and your dad.

Drop the rope completely and give up any and all hope either will change and or say sorry.

Go no contact; its not point in at all trying with these people because they are inherently unreasonable and are also completely unable and unwilling to see your side of things. They do not want to know nor do they care.

You've already lost dad really. He has let her rule over his life also.
Your dad chose this woman over you. Quite apart from being her enabler he is weak bystander of a man who readily saw you as his daughter being cast aside by his now wife. He is therefore culpable so I would not let him off the hook at all.

I am not at all surprised to read your other sibling went no contact with them years ago; you ultimately need to do the same.

And as for she demanding a face to face meeting she can take a running jump.

And all of KettrickenSmiled post of earlier on today. Please take heed of what this poster writes in particular. Your stepmother is playing you purely now for her amusement.

@KettrickenSmiled thanks for your reality check. I know it's bonkers. It's all about whether I accept going NC by default or make an effort to continue the relationship. It's a huge step.

I offered to go down for a family holiday early summer (staying elsewhere), and visit solo, was told that a family visit wasn't a good idea without clearing the air first. The more I write the more ridiculous it sounds.

She takes up your mental space because she is mistreating you and always has. She is clearly very toxic and she will never be happy.

Could you tell her the conversation is important to you so you would definitely like to have it in person next time you are up visiting.

I offered to go down for a family holiday early summer (staying elsewhere), and visit solo, was told that a family visit wasn't a good idea without clearing the air first. The more I write the more ridiculous it sounds.

Have you ever told this woman that you don't need her permission to visit your own dad?

@KettrickenSmiled you know it's never occured to me that I could 🤯