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Original poster

Ex’s reason for not seeing dc and it’s all my fault apparently, how do I handle this?

49 replies

wellhellogran · 07/01/2023 18:52

in 2020 I got pregnant after using a condom. We had also only had sex once that month and it wasn’t even around the time I would have expected for ovulation. We had been together 18 months by this point and had talked about a family in the near future (both early 40s).

when I realised I was pregnant I was shocked, as was ex. We both embraced it and stared buying equipment for the baby and planning the future in a better place ie somewhere bigger. As we got closer to my due date he was really odd, quite cold with me and started saying he wasn’t sure he could be a dad. I left, distraught and shocked and he said he no longer wanted the relationship. At five months pregnant I had to continue the pregnancy. I’m not sure what I would have done had I been earlier in the pregnancy when he started to change towards me.

anyway, he refused to come to the birth (I invited him) and told me he wanted a paternity test (!!!) after dc born. I was extremely upset and confused by this but agreed to it. He didn’t get in touch to arrange the test after birth and so when I applied for maintenance when dc was 4 months, lo and behold, he asks for a test through cms and it’s confirmed he’s the father. He’s paying me over a thousand a month and never sees DC. I waited a few months and heard nothing from him so I contacted him and said he was welcome to be in DC’s life, to which he said he didn’t have to be a father when he had been tricked into it.

I am really struggling with how to handle this. I have never cheated on him or anyone for that matter. I took our relationship seriously and would never have tricked him into anything. I was as shocked as he was. I can’t understand why he would think this of me or why he didn’t say this when we were buying baby equipment in the first two trimesters.

I know the obvious answer is that he’s looking for an ‘out’ for being a dad but I always considered him pretty decent, genuine and honest. So it makes me think he truly believes I did something to our contraception or something?! I’ve asked what specifically he thinks I did and he doesn’t say.

what’s bothering me is we have mutual friends and he’s made it very clear why he doesn’t see dc. It makes me seem like some sort of awful person and I’m so so upset he would use this as a reason not to see dc when it’s so unfounded. I feel as if everyone we know thinks I am the cause of the separation and why my dc has no father in their life and it’s cutting me up as im the total opposite to that, I cherish family life and value honesty. I don’t know what I will tell dc when they are older either. I feel like I’ve been dragged into this nightmare and struggling to sleep as i can’t understand how he could be so unkind and unfair. I am posting as a last resort really, after thinking about it the last three days. I don’t know how to handle it. I used to be confident and happy and he’s crushed all of that.

OP posts:
Goodgrief82 · 07/01/2023 18:54

what’s bothering me is we have mutual friends and he’s made it very clear why he doesn’t see dc.

what is the reason he gives? Not al all clear from your op

Original poster
wellhellogran · 07/01/2023 18:55

Also, I did consider telling everyone we knew the details of the condom use and how he had never mentioned this during my pregnancy, but when i asked if he had told people the facts he said he would report me if I started contacting ‘his friends’ … I don’t know which he considers ‘his’ exclusively and feel I can’t approach anyone we both know.

OP posts:
Original poster
wellhellogran · 07/01/2023 18:56

@Goodgrief82 sorry I thought i explained, I know it’s a long post! He’s saying that i tricked him into fatherhood and so he wants no part in it

OP posts:
Goodgrief82 · 07/01/2023 18:56

Also, I did consider telling everyone we knew the details of the condom use

please don’t

Goodgrief82 · 07/01/2023 18:58

wellhellogran · 07/01/2023 18:56

@Goodgrief82 sorry I thought i explained, I know it’s a long post! He’s saying that i tricked him into fatherhood and so he wants no part in it

He’s giving £1k a month

accept the money

Enjoy your baby

and stop worrying about what Mutual “.friends” think

and don’t even think of “telling everyone” about your “condom use”

Forthelast · 07/01/2023 19:00

He sounds awful. There is nothing you can do but be glad you're not having anything to do with him. I would certainly tell friends you did not trick him if it comes up. But there's nothing much to be gained from it. No point dwelling on it as unfair as it is. I don't believe this is the reason he's not seeing his child. If he wanted to he would.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 07/01/2023 19:01

Even if you had poked holes in a condom your dc doesn't need to be blamed for that.
Accept the Cms. Enjoy your dc and don't give him another thought.
And make new friends.. They aren't real friends if they believe him and support his actions anyway right?

Dery · 07/01/2023 19:01

Report you for what? And to whom? Sounds like bollocks to me.

For very understandable reasons, it feels like you’ve lost perspective and feel like he holds all the power. I wonder whether you’re suffering a bit from post-natal depression or just general exhaustion because you seem to be giving excessive credence to things he says and feeling helpless in the face of everything he says.

You absolutely can tell your friends (whether or not they’re also his) that you’re happy for him to have contact with your shared baby and leave it at that.

Don’t worry about what to tell your child when they’re older - you can cross that bridge when you come to it. Your child has a loving mum and that’s great for them. And at least this guy is contributing financially.

Forthelast · 07/01/2023 19:01

Goodgrief82 · 07/01/2023 18:54

what’s bothering me is we have mutual friends and he’s made it very clear why he doesn’t see dc.

what is the reason he gives? Not al all clear from your op

But it is clear. He is telling people he's been tricked so doesn't have to do it.

Goodgrief82 · 07/01/2023 19:02

Forthelast · 07/01/2023 19:01

But it is clear. He is telling people he's been tricked so doesn't have to do it.

Show quote history

I’ve asked what specifically he thinks I did and he doesn’t say.

Theunamedcat · 07/01/2023 19:03

So he tells people you tricked him therfore he won't see the child and you think this is an issue? Are they talking to you about it?

Try saying,

Protection failed shit happens he needs to move on
It wasn't planned it was my choice to keep the baby he chose not to live with my decision that's HIS choice

Ncgirlseriously · 07/01/2023 19:04

Honestly some men just seem to shit out their brains when they realise impending fatherhood is a responsibility they can’t escape. My ex did the same, but his way out was to have an online affair. Some guys just cannot seem to handle the responsibility so they decide that they must have been tricked by a big mean woman.

Who exactly is he threatening to “report” you to? Don’t be afraid of telling the people you know the truth. The baby was unexpected but he seemed excited until halfway through the pregnancy.

Also do try and uncouple your feelings from him. You are doing your best, you are the parent who stuck around. Plenty of people grow up with stepdads or no dads. It’s great if you can find a male role model for your kid but as long as you’re doing your best to raise them as a complete person then you’re doing great. Don’t feel bad for his actions. If he misses out on his DC then that’s a shame for HIM because your dc will be loved by many people.

Original poster
wellhellogran · 07/01/2023 19:05

Dery · 07/01/2023 19:01

Report you for what? And to whom? Sounds like bollocks to me.

For very understandable reasons, it feels like you’ve lost perspective and feel like he holds all the power. I wonder whether you’re suffering a bit from post-natal depression or just general exhaustion because you seem to be giving excessive credence to things he says and feeling helpless in the face of everything he says.

You absolutely can tell your friends (whether or not they’re also his) that you’re happy for him to have contact with your shared baby and leave it at that.

Don’t worry about what to tell your child when they’re older - you can cross that bridge when you come to it. Your child has a loving mum and that’s great for them. And at least this guy is contributing financially.

Thanks. My confidence has been lost, I was quite happy and grounded before this. He’s only paying because he’s forced to.

I worry so much about poor dc. The accusation makes me feel I wil be judged.

OP posts:
LadyGaGasPokerFace · 07/01/2023 19:05

Ignore the mutual friends. They’re lapping this up and shit stirring. He needs to step up or fuck off instead of being so bloody bitter.

Original poster
wellhellogran · 07/01/2023 19:07

Ncgirlseriously · 07/01/2023 19:04

Honestly some men just seem to shit out their brains when they realise impending fatherhood is a responsibility they can’t escape. My ex did the same, but his way out was to have an online affair. Some guys just cannot seem to handle the responsibility so they decide that they must have been tricked by a big mean woman.

Who exactly is he threatening to “report” you to? Don’t be afraid of telling the people you know the truth. The baby was unexpected but he seemed excited until halfway through the pregnancy.

Also do try and uncouple your feelings from him. You are doing your best, you are the parent who stuck around. Plenty of people grow up with stepdads or no dads. It’s great if you can find a male role model for your kid but as long as you’re doing your best to raise them as a complete person then you’re doing great. Don’t feel bad for his actions. If he misses out on his DC then that’s a shame for HIM because your dc will be loved by many people.

@Ncgirlseriously thanks. He said if I say anything to ‘his’ friends he will say it’s slander as it’s not true.

honestly I’m just amazed this is who he is. I never ever thought he was like this, I was very much in love. It’s all been hard to get my head around.

OP posts:
Gunpowder · 07/01/2023 19:09

What a dick. He can’t be bothered to see his kid and he’s trying to make himself look better to your friends. It’s a bit petty but next time you see them you could always say ‘it’s such a shame X doesn’t want to see DC, he gave the impression he really excited the first few months I was pregnant.’

PermanentTemporary · 07/01/2023 19:09

I think if I were you I would write a letter to him giving the full story of the relationship as you see it, everything you remember. Avoid trying to persuade him of your perspective in the letter, just give it. It might take some time to write, weeks maybe. Include all the intimate details and any quotes you have from emails or texts from him.

Then save the letter or put it away. If it's online, password protect it, though do write the password down somewhere, and email it to yourself. DO NOT SEND IT TO HIM.

If you feel better, get on with your life. If you feel worse, start looking for a therapist.

People do very hurtful things and have their own perspective on their own lives. Make sure you have clearly in your mind what happened and what you did from your viewpoint so his drips of information into your circle can't distort it. And then find a way to move on.

Goodgrief82 · 07/01/2023 19:09

You are both in your forties?

If you hadn’t already clarified your ages, I’d honestly think the pair of you were 15

Original poster
wellhellogran · 07/01/2023 19:11

Thanks @Goodgrief82 , that’s very supportive 🙄

OP posts:
Goodgrief82 · 07/01/2023 19:12

wellhellogran · 07/01/2023 19:11

Thanks @Goodgrief82 , that’s very supportive 🙄

Seriously…. Read your posts taking out the ages

Theunamedcat · 07/01/2023 19:12

Honestly my ex pulled this shit his (now) wife who I've never met and didn't even know us at the time claimed I was "baby crazy" "tricked him" "took advantage of him when he was school age" he was TWENTY ONE I was TWENTY FOUR he was an assistant manager for fucks sake I earned more money than him but I was still a "gold digger" I seriously stopped paying attention years ago they even tried telling DD this bullshit she said you do realise I have my birth certificate I know the ages of my parents your not making mathematical sense here? They said their door was open when she wanted to come home....she lives by herself as an independent adult in another country im still stopping access apparently

My point is people will always talk shit and some people will believe it you don't have to let it run your life

Gunpowder · 07/01/2023 19:14

Sorry x post. It can’t be slander if it’s true. Even if he never said he was excited one could reasonably expect someone shopping with their partner for baby goods in the first/second trimester is excited.

In the very weird event he tried to sue you I can’t imagine he’d have a case, and I imagine your mutual friends would find it incredibly odd if he did attempt to sue and that gossip would be much more damaging to him than not seeing his dc anyway.

BabyFour2023 · 07/01/2023 19:14

You can’t force him to see a child he didn’t plan for or want. He seemed initially to try and accept it but obviously couldn’t.
he’s paying for his child and has made the decision he doesn’t want physical involvement. I’m afraid you have to accept that and move on.

Dery · 07/01/2023 19:18

“Try saying,

Protection failed shit happens he needs to move on

It wasn't planned it was my choice to keep the baby he chose not to live with my decision that's HIS choice”

This with bells on. And he’d be demented to sue you for slander.

But yes, it’s clear you’ve lost confidence because you’re attaching significance to what is clearly bullshit. He’s at least contributing financially which is something.

I think you just need to get clear of the exhausting early days of parenting and you’ll get the necessary perspective on this and wonder why you cared so much.

BigHeadBertha · 07/01/2023 19:23

When I read your post it was immediately very clear to me that he is just trying to cover up the creep he is to save face with people he knows. This way, instead of being a jerk who can't be bothered to see his kid, he gets to play the poor victim. He is a super jerk and a coward who's bailed and has the nerve to try to blame it on you.

Please do NOT let this man baby whose ducked out of a large part of his responsibilities have ANY effect on your self-esteem. You ARE doing your part and a large portion of his part too. You're stronger than him and better than him and your child is very lucky that YOU are the custodial parent!

Just let the moron go, use the $1,000 per month and enjoy your child. The man baby is way too worthless to deserve any of your thoughts!

Personally, after seeing this side of him, if I were you I'd be DELIGHTED to have him OUT of the picture!

Also JMHO but my kids are grown and now they're my best friends. Raising them was an honor and the most meaningful thing I ever did, by far. Best wishes.