Ex’s reason for not seeing dc and it’s all my fault apparently, how do I handle this?

[wellhellogran]

in 2020 I got pregnant after using a condom. We had also only had sex once that month and it wasn’t even around the time I would have expected for ovulation. We had been together 18 months by this point and had talked about a family in the near future (both early 40s).

when I realised I was pregnant I was shocked, as was ex. We both embraced it and stared buying equipment for the baby and planning the future in a better place ie somewhere bigger. As we got closer to my due date he was really odd, quite cold with me and started saying he wasn’t sure he could be a dad. I left, distraught and shocked and he said he no longer wanted the relationship. At five months pregnant I had to continue the pregnancy. I’m not sure what I would have done had I been earlier in the pregnancy when he started to change towards me.

anyway, he refused to come to the birth (I invited him) and told me he wanted a paternity test (!!!) after dc born. I was extremely upset and confused by this but agreed to it. He didn’t get in touch to arrange the test after birth and so when I applied for maintenance when dc was 4 months, lo and behold, he asks for a test through cms and it’s confirmed he’s the father. He’s paying me over a thousand a month and never sees DC. I waited a few months and heard nothing from him so I contacted him and said he was welcome to be in DC’s life, to which he said he didn’t have to be a father when he had been tricked into it.

I am really struggling with how to handle this. I have never cheated on him or anyone for that matter. I took our relationship seriously and would never have tricked him into anything. I was as shocked as he was. I can’t understand why he would think this of me or why he didn’t say this when we were buying baby equipment in the first two trimesters.

I know the obvious answer is that he’s looking for an ‘out’ for being a dad but I always considered him pretty decent, genuine and honest. So it makes me think he truly believes I did something to our contraception or something?! I’ve asked what specifically he thinks I did and he doesn’t say.

what’s bothering me is we have mutual friends and he’s made it very clear why he doesn’t see dc. It makes me seem like some sort of awful person and I’m so so upset he would use this as a reason not to see dc when it’s so unfounded. I feel as if everyone we know thinks I am the cause of the separation and why my dc has no father in their life and it’s cutting me up as im the total opposite to that, I cherish family life and value honesty. I don’t know what I will tell dc when they are older either. I feel like I’ve been dragged into this nightmare and struggling to sleep as i can’t understand how he could be so unkind and unfair. I am posting as a last resort really, after thinking about it the last three days. I don’t know how to handle it. I used to be confident and happy and he’s crushed all of that.

Is this the guy you reported for drunk driving? Amd who thought you were on the pill?

@SixCharactersinSearchofanAuthor no he’s not a drinker. I wasn’t on the pill and he was aware of that, hence the condoms

You can tell who you like about the contraceptive failure. Remember Friends? They had a whole episode with Joey and Ross being shocked that condoms didn't prevent 100% of pregnancies. As one of them says, that info is on the box.

It's such a cliche to say he'd been tricked. If these friends are telling you this then you can bring up the Friends anecdote with a 🤨 You didn't sabotage the condom or stop taking the pill. You didn't take the condom out of the bin and inseminate yourself.

if he changes his mind about contact then the courts will give him access. In the mean time, enjoy your baby and block him on social media so you don't see his posts. Stop worrying about what others think. You know the truth.

I have a similar situation with one of my children's father.

He has never met our child; claimed he wasn't the dad to cms & even went as far as to say he didn't know I was pregnant - he did; when I told him he ran / blocked me / ignored me.

You don't need to do anything. You know the truth and people who matter to you will know the truth.
You carry on raising your child the best you can - and cross any bridges that need crossing with being honest in an age appropriate way with your child when the time comes.

I asked a similar question on here back when it was happening to me and that was the advice I was given - I've taken it and I'm now 18 months down the line - and have had no contact from him at all ... I just receive the cms into my bank each month from the cms.

Fuck everyone else. Take his money, have a good life with your sweet child <3

Dont let it fester in you xx

The truth is still the truth no matter what lies are believed.

He will know if he wore a condom or not so his sabotage story he is telling friends will sound like nonsense and if they believe that if you, they are not your friends.

If you think these "mutual friends" are judging you and believe the yarn he's spinning then they aren't friends at all. Cut them out. Don't give them or your ex another thought. Enjoy your baby and happily bank the CMS money.

Remember that his weak character and failings as a partner and father DO NOT reflect on you or your baby. They do not reflect your value or worth, or that of your child.

My ex husband did similar. Told people I’d tricked him. Nope. He wanted a baby. He pushed for it, for over two years. He also left me around 5 months in. And as CMS are useless, he pays fuck all.

My child is 7 now. I don’t care what other people think about why he is a deadbeat. Most normal people will not think well of these men, no matter what bullshit they spout.

@PopUpMoon i guess that’s true, you’d have to be a wanker to take it out on your child even if someone had tricked you. Sorry this happened to you too.

He's either mistaken or an arse, and the best course depends on which he is. Does he understand the likely reason for the condom failure? You probably went over all this when you first found out you were pregnant, but just for background on the thread, the main reasons for condom failure are:

• not using it correctly ie all the way through penetration, because a minority of men consistently "leak" sperm in pre-cum,
• Having a condom tear /split (more likely if put on badly / wrong size)
• Condom slipping off (more likely if put on badly / wrong size)

You will both presumably both know if one or more of these applies, and they're well known causes of failure.If he's not aware of this, ie he's just mistaken / ignorant, I'd make sure it was on the record that you'd told him - can you send him info from a good source? But if he's aware of the probable reason for the pregnancy and still says you tricked him, he's being an arse. I think a PP had a great suggestion in you writing down all the details of the conception and what happened in your relationship now, while it's still fresh.. One day it might be very important to your child.

Things could change OP. He might come to terms with it over time. He’s paying maintenance which will allow you to create fun times with your dc. If he wants to miss out on his child growing up, that’s his problem.

I wouldn't concern yourself about the opinions of your mutual friends too much.
Had you considered that they are politely listening to his side of the story without voicing their reservations? If they know you both, they may well be taking it with a pinch of salt, and if they don't, they weren't such close friends as you thought.
Time will tell, as they watch events playing out, and they see you doing your best to raise a happy, healthy child while he whinges and weasels out.
They may be wondering why he is paying CMS regardless; is he keeping his options open?

Whether or not you tricked him - and I don't believe for a second that you did - he's a father now and he should step up and behave like one.

The fact that he isn't says more about him than you.

Enjoy the money, enjoy your baby and move on.

I strongly suspect his friends will be judging him more for refusing to have anything to do with his child than you for supposedly ‘tricking’ a 40 year old man into getting you pregnant. Although if you do want to talk to your friends about what really happened please don’t let his frankly ridiculous threats stop you.

How can he assert that it is slander and untrue when he doesn't even know what it is that you might say to them.

As for reporting you - who to?

He's a nasty piece of work, and you're well shot of him.

Honestly, I'd be rolling my eyes and laughing if any of these so called "mutual" friends mention you "tricked" him. "haha, yes, well, men always say that don't they?" and so on.

This is so true. Even if I believed a man's story that a woman had lied about contraception, I'd still think he was absolute scum for walking away from his child.

Only the 2 of you know the truth

You cannot stop other people gossiping or thinking

What matters, is that you have stepped up to the plate & essentially you are now the mother & father to this child

Ii is his loss if he has walked away from his child

To put it another way

You have the moral high ground

Hold your head up high

Agree with others, if one of my male friends was telling me their long term partner tricked them into parenthood and they were having nothing to do with child, I would be pretty disgusted and would loose any respect I had for them in an instant. It’s a special kind of prick that can knowingly abandon their child for their own selfish gains.

You don’t know what the friends are actually being told or thinking and I honestly wouldn’t worry about them.

Have you friends that are more yours rather than mutual? And family? They need to be your support network. Likewise, reach out to other mums through baby groups etc.

Use the money for your child and put any you don’t use aside for their future. They will be ok, they will know their mum loved them more than anything else.

if you’re mutual friends are generally decent people I suspect they already are aware that he is the issue. Personally I find it really sad when any parent decides not to have a relationship with their child and to not care for them. I can imagine most people feel the same.

Talking to his friends or telling them about the condom use is not only unnecessary but I think would only make you come across a bit off. I wouldn’t even discuss it beyond “We we’re buying items for the baby at one stage and then he decide he didn’t want to be a father, so here we are”.

Do his/your friends even ask? Or are you just imagining that they’re thinking about the situation. Most people are too caught up in their own lives to worry about others too much.

Slander? What untruths does he think you'll be stating? Contraception failure? Proof it's true is asleep in their pram. He's the father? Proof is in the DNA tests the CMS had done. So where's the slander? Oh yes, it's his completely unsubstantiared claim that you tricked him into fathering a child. That's the slander right there.

I think the fact he is so threatening about what he would do if you told the friends anything suggests he is well aware he is being a cunt and knows his actions are shameful.

I imagine your friends know the real issue. Men in their 40s who are dead set against having should have had the snip!
The older you get the more men you hear with ‘reasons I can’t see their children’.
If they ever ask, just say, I asked, he said no. I’m sure they’ll believe you.