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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't prove if he's cheating!

47 replies

gardengirl23 · 07/01/2023 09:49

I'm at the end of my tether with this. For YEARS I have been finding texts on my partners phone/watch to verify tinder. It doesn't happen often as I don't look but to put it into perspective in the last 3 years I've found 4 verify texts. The first two he said he had no idea why they were sent to him and that it must be a mistake. There wasn't much I could do so I just left it. The third one I found he admitted he had been on there but only for a day and deleted the account. After that I actually found out he had cheated. God I know how pathetic it all sounds. We have children and he begged me to stay so we decided to try again. This was almost 2 years ago. Since then I don't check the phone or watch as it's just too painful and past the first year I didn't feel like I needed to anyway as things were going okay.

Lately I've been having dreams about checking his phone or Apple Watch and finding things. I thought I must be feeling insecure or something but haven't acted on it. He spends pretty much all of his time with us outside of work so I haven't suspected anything. He hasn't worn his Apple Watch for months and decided to wear it yesterday. Today I was putting some clean clothes away and it was in the drawer so I just had a look on the messages. Low and behold from December 27th was a tinder verify code message. At this point I know he must be on it. I haven't mentioned it as he's gone to work but when he gets home my plan is just to pull him aside and say listen, I know your on it so what the hell is going on? I dont actually know this but I must assume. It cannot be a coincidence or mistake yet again.

I quickly had a look on his phone and the message isn't there so he's deleted it. He also accidentally deleted my texts yesterday which I found weird, but now I've found this text im putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5. Or maybe my worries are right.

How would you approach the situation? I've found over the years a calm approach gets me further in this situations instead of kicking off. And my plan is to just say that I know he's on it and hope he admits it. I know most people will say why did I stay after he cheated, or that I should leave now. And I will if it turns out he's been unfaithful again. But the problem is a verify text doesn't prove much. Help!

OP posts:

Biscuits1011 · 07/01/2023 09:52

Dump him. You can’t trust him and he lies and cheats.. what are you gaining from this relationship?

Notaboutthebass · 07/01/2023 09:54

Leave him.

sunseaandme · 07/01/2023 09:54

Why don't you get tinder under a fake picture and keep swiping until you find him?? I'm sure you will eventually and then you've got evidence. I think it's location based so I'm sure you would find him x

WeAreTheHeroes · 07/01/2023 09:55

You don't trust him due to his behaviour, he's at it again. You don't need proof to have permission to end things. He's spent years looking for someone else whatever he says and this is so disrespectful and wrong. You deserve better and so do your children.

Bedazzled22 · 07/01/2023 09:56

Trouble is the trust has gone; so difficult to recover from it unless he is totally and truly remorseful but clearly he is not. Sorry OP its a horrible situation I know.

My DP has repeatedly been caught by chance on dating sites. I dont feel same any more.

DosCervezas · 07/01/2023 09:56

The burden of proof is whatever you set it too.
If you are satisfied that you know and are sure he's cheating, that's enough. You don't even need to discuss it with him..

Craghopper1 · 07/01/2023 09:57

You don't need to prove that he's cheating. Just leave him.

Blueborage · 07/01/2023 09:57

Over the years I've found the best approach for habitual cheats is to stop being a fool and believing they have changed.

VladmirsPoutine · 07/01/2023 09:58

Things like this in the end can actually lead someone to insanity. The constant unease and anxiety, the secrecy, the stress of 'trying to work it out', the backs and forths about why you don't trust him, him inevitably telling you you're crazy. It's all too much, far too much. If you can tolerate living like this then have at it but please know that living like this can and will wear down someone's confidence, and self-esteem to the point they're no longer themselves. No-one deserves to be treated like this in a healthy relationship.

KettrickenSmiled · 07/01/2023 10:00

How would you approach the situation? I've found over the years a calm approach gets me further in this situations instead of kicking off.
I wouldn't bother talking to him about it.
He did it before, he is doing it now, he will do it in future, so what's the point?
When you say "gets me further" I can't work out what you mean. There is no magic form of words you can offer him that will make this not have happened. There is no magic form of words he can respond with that will make him not a cheat.

And my plan is to just say that I know he's on it and hope he admits it.
Your plan is to hand over all your power to a cheat.
What does it matter, whether he admits it or not?
You know what he has done. You know what he is doing.
The only thing that matters is if you are going to accept staying with a cheat or not. There is nothing else to talk about.

I know most people will say why did I stay after he cheated, or that I should leave now.
There is no point asking you that - you stayed for the same reasons everyone else did - children, hope, love, sunk costs, fear of being alone ...
And nobody can tell you whether to stay or leave.
Although - staying will only get you more of the same.
He cheated on you, it was awful, you stayed ... so he now feels that he can cheat but you won't leave: his worst punishment will be a grilling, he'll mouth some insincere words, & you will accept it all over again.
Until the next time -which you will now always be waiting for.

And I will if it turns out he's been unfaithful again. But the problem is a verify text doesn't prove much. Help!
Why does your decision hinge on whether he has had extramarital sex (again)?
You don't trust him, with very good reason.
You are unhappy, but instead of taking charge of your own decision, you are going to ask him if he's cheating again, hope that he says no ... & then what?

Why is it up to the word of a liar to tell you how much value you are prepared to place on this relationship?

arethereanyleftatall · 07/01/2023 10:01

Does it matter if he's actually 'been' unfaithful? Isn't the fact that he's trying to be, and would be if the opportunity arose, enough?
Not having trust in a relationship tears you apart, leaves you on edge, not a healthy mentally place to be.

minticecreamisjustok · 07/01/2023 10:03

You do have proof though, trust what you've already found is enough proof.

happinessischocolate · 07/01/2023 10:06

You don't need proof

You no longer trust him and that's enough of a reason to finish the relationship.

My ex never admitted he was unfaithfully, even read I read a whole conversation between him and the woman he was shagging. He refused to leave so when he went out I changed the locks.

Emmamoo89 · 07/01/2023 10:08

Leave him. You deserve so much better x

LadyLaLaa · 07/01/2023 10:14

You do have proof.
He is a continual cheater.
Don't fanny about with any confrontation/chats.
Get your ducks in a row.
Ltb.

Original poster

gardengirl23 · 07/01/2023 10:19

Thanks for all the replies, I'm now contemplating not saying anything and getting things in order to leave. The worst part is, when I found out he had cheated I was so sure I was leaving and I was at peace with it. I felt strong and in control. I had clear evidence and he admitted it. This time I feel weak and awful about it. I haven't cried though which is a tell tale sign I think that someone's had enough.

OP posts:

firstmummy2019 · 07/01/2023 10:26

You've got this. I know the feeling. The fact that they gaslight makes you feel that you don't know what reality is anymore. Causes you to feel crazy. This is why people try to find as much evidence as possible.

If you don't feel strong enough to leave now, get your ducks in a row now so that 3 or 6 months down the line you feel in a better position to get out.

GreenManalishi · 07/01/2023 10:32

when he gets home my plan is just to pull him aside and say listen, I know your on it so what the hell is going on?

With the best will in the world, it's really doubtful he's going to turn around and say, well, I'm glad you've asked, because this is the truth of what's been going on.....

He will lie. You will feel even more confused than you do now. He's not going to give you any information that's going to help you unforunately, you're going to need to help yourself.

You need to decide if you're happy to turn a blind eye to his Tinder and whatever other activities going forward and stay together, or if this isn't what you want. Only you can decide, but the middle ground, which would be expecting him to be honest with you stop because you ask him to, is going to be very painful for you, because it will be the biggest disappointment of your life every time you find evidence to the contrary.

Valeria89 · 07/01/2023 10:49

He's worn you down OP. Find a nice man who wouldn't dream of going on Tinder once he's in a relationship.

DosCervezas · 07/01/2023 10:56

The fact is that cheats lie. It's part of their make up. They are essentially dishonest people lacking any meaningful integrity.

Confrontation with suspicions or evidence will nearly always be met with a dishonest and persistent denial which will drive any honest person insane.
They're in a rabbit hole and they're usually better off staying in it, on their own.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 07/01/2023 10:58

gardengirl23 · 07/01/2023 09:49

Well you have had years to leave? You do not need to find proof to end a relationship and walk away. Save your time for someone who treats you properly instead of worrying yourself over him.

Watchkeys · 07/01/2023 11:07

Why do you think you need proof? This is about your feelings? Do you need proof that you're hungry before you eat? Do you need proof that you're cold before you put a jumper on? Do you need him to agree that he's cheating? Why? Wouldn't that mean that he was in control of your actions, rather than you? Who's in charge of your life?

Mari9999 · 07/01/2023 11:10

I would not ask him anything, nor would I continue to play Sherlock Holmes.

I would tell him that it is obvious that he does not seem to find what he needs at home, and that you will not continue to live that way.

He is not the one that has to respect your boundaries. You are the one who has to respect your boundary. His boundaries seem to be pretty elastic.

Women who say that they are staying for the sake of the children often mean that they have not assumed any financially independent role in the relationship or that they are fearful of being alone.

If you know that you are prepared to be a financially independent adult and that you are capable of managing life for both you and your children , you really have little to fear by respecting your own boundaries.

KangarooKenny · 07/01/2023 11:11

You don’t need proof. You don’t trust him so end it.

CosmicGirlie · 07/01/2023 11:44

I’m on Tinder if you want me to take a look for him I will.

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