Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Can't prove if he's cheating!

47 replies

gardengirl23 · 07/01/2023 09:49

I'm at the end of my tether with this. For YEARS I have been finding texts on my partners phone/watch to verify tinder. It doesn't happen often as I don't look but to put it into perspective in the last 3 years I've found 4 verify texts. The first two he said he had no idea why they were sent to him and that it must be a mistake. There wasn't much I could do so I just left it. The third one I found he admitted he had been on there but only for a day and deleted the account. After that I actually found out he had cheated. God I know how pathetic it all sounds. We have children and he begged me to stay so we decided to try again. This was almost 2 years ago. Since then I don't check the phone or watch as it's just too painful and past the first year I didn't feel like I needed to anyway as things were going okay.

Lately I've been having dreams about checking his phone or Apple Watch and finding things. I thought I must be feeling insecure or something but haven't acted on it. He spends pretty much all of his time with us outside of work so I haven't suspected anything. He hasn't worn his Apple Watch for months and decided to wear it yesterday. Today I was putting some clean clothes away and it was in the drawer so I just had a look on the messages. Low and behold from December 27th was a tinder verify code message. At this point I know he must be on it. I haven't mentioned it as he's gone to work but when he gets home my plan is just to pull him aside and say listen, I know your on it so what the hell is going on? I dont actually know this but I must assume. It cannot be a coincidence or mistake yet again.

I quickly had a look on his phone and the message isn't there so he's deleted it. He also accidentally deleted my texts yesterday which I found weird, but now I've found this text im putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5. Or maybe my worries are right.

How would you approach the situation? I've found over the years a calm approach gets me further in this situations instead of kicking off. And my plan is to just say that I know he's on it and hope he admits it. I know most people will say why did I stay after he cheated, or that I should leave now. And I will if it turns out he's been unfaithful again. But the problem is a verify text doesn't prove much. Help!

OP posts:

Notsofestive1 · 07/01/2023 11:56

@gardengirl23 if you ask him he will just deny it again. To be honest it doesn’t sound like you need proof, he’s clearly looking on tinder every now and then. He’s also cheated. But if you really need proof why don’t you sign up to tinder yourself and search his age and see if you can find him? This is one area I genuinely can’t understand about people who continually give cheaters chance after chance, why do you keep getting upset or want to investigate things when you know he’s up to no good but stay with him anyway? I think it’s fair enough to give someone ONE chance after finding out about unfaithfulness but if it keeps happening and you STILL stay, do you not just need to accept he’s a cheat and turn a blind eye? What’s the point in keep finding things out, getting upset, wondering is he/isn’t he but still staying?

Opaljewel · 07/01/2023 12:00

I'd say if it quacks a duck, walks like a duck, looks like one.... I'd say it is one.

He has form for it. And you found him out before. Come on now this is the fourth time. He can't be very bright to keep doing the same thing. That alone never mind the cheating would put me off. You know he's doing it. Just get rid. I couldn't be arsed with the clear disrespect. He is always going to be looking for something else. He's done it again so he thinks you are stupid and he never was sorry.

YoSofi · 07/01/2023 12:06

This will be your life forever if you don’t leave.

You tell him off like a naughty child, he says sorry and then it happens again. He has cheated on you and downloaded tinder numerous times, he’s actively looking to cheat again.

Why keep putting yourself through it? He’s not sorry, or he wouldn’t do it over and over again. By staying last time you’ve basically given him the green light to keep treating you like this. He doesn’t respect you. Leave.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 07/01/2023 12:28

Sounds like you know what to do OP. I can't imagine how you are feeling but take some time to get yourself in order before you act, hopefully you have someone in RL who you can talk to. It is not always as simple as the MN LTB response especially if DCs are involved and you have to go carefully to consider the wider implications for everyone.

firstmummy2019 · 07/01/2023 12:42

DosCervezas · 07/01/2023 10:56

The fact is that cheats lie. It's part of their make up. They are essentially dishonest people lacking any meaningful integrity.

Confrontation with suspicions or evidence will nearly always be met with a dishonest and persistent denial which will drive any honest person insane.
They're in a rabbit hole and they're usually better off staying in it, on their own.

This!

JoyPeaceHealth · 07/01/2023 12:52

Another saying you don't need proof.

Cheating isn't the only reason to end a relationship. You can end it because you're not happy.

I can't see any other likelihood besides him being on tinder but it doesn't matter. You can't trust him because he hasn't earned your trust.

If you cannot or will not leave now, prepare your life for leaving. If you don't work, get back to work. If you're not saving start.

GreyCarpet · 07/01/2023 14:13

I've used online dating in the past.

Do you know how many accidental/mistaken/scam verification texts I've had from those or any other app? None. Not one in the 9 years since I first used one.

You know he's cheated in the past, you don't trust him. What is the point? Why do you feel th meed for 'proof'?

Can't you just not trust him and not want to be with him anymore?

Moser85 · 07/01/2023 16:40

But the problem is a verify text doesn't prove much

It does. At the very least it proves that this person who has already cheated, has got the urge to cheat again and goes on to see if he can find anyone willing to sleep with him.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 07/01/2023 16:54

Op I've been there. It's crap and seriously hard.
You don't need to know for it to be enough. My sons dad vehnemntly denies cheating but he lied about who he was with and took a woman away with him for a wekend. Only admitted she was there when I saw a photo on social media.. Of her virtually topless in his van.
I will never KNOW but I didn't need to, the disrespect was enough.
You can do this and it's hard but it's easier than being on edge every day.

ExFiles · 07/01/2023 17:04

I’d say you’re getting 4. And that you should not confront him but quietly make plans to kick him out. You can’t trust him so it doesn’t matter if he’s still cheating or not.

my XH was a serial cheat. I made myself I’ll trying to get to the truth. I was obsessed with having solid proof. I left him
a few times but he always begged me back. The final straw came when his latest OW called me a couple months after we’d married to say they’d been together the previous evening. It was like a switch flicked and I just knew I couldn’t do this with him anymore. I really regret the wasted years I stayed. Don’t wait for the ‘switch’ moment, take control and demand better for yourself.

Good luck op, I know how painful and anxiety provoking it is when the suspicions resurface .

ExFiles · 07/01/2023 17:12

Just to add that in hindsight, what I really wanted was for him to admit what he was doing so that we could talk about it and maybe he could give me insight into why he did it because that was the question that drove me crazy. It made no sense to me as I was way out of his league in every sense and I was really good to him. I just wanted to know that I was enough. I thought that having solid proof would lead to that conversation. But of course it never did. He would deny everything every time.

He won’t give you closure or answers, he will gaslight you until you think you’re crazy. Give yourself closure. I now know my worth and understand that it was never about me, he has major issues and he’s gone on to treat all his partners the same.

WatieKatie · 07/01/2023 17:38

The mere fact that he has form for cheating and using Tinder and now you find another message should be all you need. He will simply lie if you approach him as he did previously so what’s the point?

if you do want proof I’d set up a fake profile and message him. See what he says his current situation is.

Leaving is one of the hardest things to do, but what’s the alternative? Continue living alongside someone who disrespects you?

good luck.

ThePear · 07/01/2023 18:17

He’s already cheated on you. No proof needed, he’s just a boyfriend. Tell him it’s not working for you anymore, you don’t find him attractive or a quality boyfriend, all the best, bye! You’re not dependent on him for housing or anything are you?

Mirroredlove · 07/01/2023 18:20

Why do you need proof? Why do you need someone to confirm something to you? You have eyes, you have instinct..use them.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, you don’t need somebody else to tell you it’s a duck.

Sophiemoulds1999 · 07/01/2023 18:49

From personal experience no matter how genuine and thoughtful and kind and mature the man is, if you catch them out they will lie through their teeth.

I hate to say it and I'm sure you will probably deep down know (women’s instincts always right) these messages have never been a mistake and he is downloading the app seeing what’s going on / maybe talking to women / maybe meeting up. But he is 99% the one who is downloaded and using the app.

if you do sit down and ask you need to make him believe you know more than you do. In my experience it’s the only way they will actually admit it.

dont be fooled as he may then admit to downloading it but say that’s all there was to it.

I would do as much detective work as possible and get as much info before you confront him.

im also so so sorry your going through this, you must be feeling quite anxious and very confused. I have been there and it’s horrible. X

MegaClutterSlut · 07/01/2023 19:14

The verify text IS proof, at least of his intentions. Seriously that alone is a reason to leave, wtf are you staying?

girlmom21 · 07/01/2023 19:19

He's been on tinder again and you know it. I'd get prepared to leave and don't bother to give him the chance to talk you down.

ILoveMyUGLYKids · 12/01/2023 13:45

LEAVE HIS ASS

Kassiopeia · 26/02/2023 09:34

Create your own Tinder account with a fake pic, find him, arrange to meet him. Then watch him squirm.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 26/02/2023 09:38

Why are you putting yourself through this? He’s already cheated and you’ve shown him that’s ok. If he isn’t now, the intention is there. He will again. Surely you can do better than this loser.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 26/02/2023 09:39

Kassiopeia · 26/02/2023 09:34

Create your own Tinder account with a fake pic, find him, arrange to meet him. Then watch him squirm.

Why? Why lower herself in such a childish way? Just get rid.

Itgoesalittlesomethinglikethis · 26/02/2023 09:40

Watchkeys · 07/01/2023 11:07

Why do you think you need proof? This is about your feelings? Do you need proof that you're hungry before you eat? Do you need proof that you're cold before you put a jumper on? Do you need him to agree that he's cheating? Why? Wouldn't that mean that he was in control of your actions, rather than you? Who's in charge of your life?

Watchkeys put it well. OP, take charge and start that new, happier life x

Flip

1 2