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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband of 10 years anger starting to cross the line

46 replies

N00dal · 06/01/2023 18:41

My husband and I have been married for 10 years, we have to boys (8 and 5) and he has always been quite quick to anger.

However recently he has even less control, he has pushed a toy into my face, punched things and stormed off. He is constantly swearing around the boys and is quick to anger or fustrarion (no patience to help the kids)

It has always been made worse when he plays video games, and he knows this but it doesn't stop him.

I adore him and have made so many excuses for him but I just need some perspective and advice on what to do.

He won't go to therapy (I have asked so many times) and is always so sorry after an episode, once he has calmed down...

HELP!

OP posts:
AlloftheTime · 06/01/2023 18:44

What do you adore about this nasty man? Your sons must be frightened to be around him.

Msmbc · 06/01/2023 18:47

I would be really worried for your sons if that is the behaviour and emotions of their primary male role model. I would not want them exposed to that. They could easily end up the same way and/or traumatised.

Original poster
N00dal · 06/01/2023 18:48

When he isn't angry is is the sweetest guy, and the kids adore him. Which makes this all so much harder. He has supported me through so much so I do have rose tinted glasses. Aaaah I don't know! Like I say when the anger isn't there he is perfect. But that's what they all say right?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 06/01/2023 19:05

N00dal · 06/01/2023 18:48

When he isn't angry is is the sweetest guy, and the kids adore him. Which makes this all so much harder. He has supported me through so much so I do have rose tinted glasses. Aaaah I don't know! Like I say when the anger isn't there he is perfect. But that's what they all say right?

Sweet guys don't behave like that.

He is abusive. I know he's not beating you up but he's horrible.

What are you going to do?

picklemewalnuts · 06/01/2023 19:18

N00dal · 06/01/2023 18:48

When he isn't angry is is the sweetest guy, and the kids adore him. Which makes this all so much harder. He has supported me through so much so I do have rose tinted glasses. Aaaah I don't know! Like I say when the anger isn't there he is perfect. But that's what they all say right?

When he isn't angry, does he have amnesia about the way he's behaved previously? I would be mortified if I knew I'd behaved like that around children, let alone the woman I'm supposed to love.

Seriously. He's choosing to behave like this. Does he struggle in the same way at work? No?

Unananana · 06/01/2023 19:30

Imagine what your DC are learning from him.

Do you want them treating you or future partners like that? Would you not be horrified if they did that sort of to their future spouse?

How can you love someone that treats you and your children that way?

But you wuv him so its ok that he abuses you all 👌

Original poster
N00dal · 06/01/2023 19:42

He is literally sitting here saying he feels terrible and will get help.

I am so torn. The kids don't seem to even be aware of his behaviour. I don't know if that's because I sheild them from it or because it isn't that bad.

Am I making it seem worse than it is? I think that's my fear

OP posts:
Mom2K · 06/01/2023 19:42

It doesn't matter at all that he is sweet when he isn't abusive. Most abusers are able to pretend to be sweet after they've treated you badly (hence why women feel confused and find it harder to leave - it's really just a continuous cycle of abuse!). This is not a reason to stay - you are setting the bar extremely low for yourself and your children. You shouldn't accept any abuse within your relationship/family at all.

Mom2K · 06/01/2023 19:45

If your sons were experiencing this behaviour from a girlfriend or wife, would you tell them to stay/put up with it? Would you want your grandchildren witnessing their mother shoving items in your son's face, hitting walls, swearing at him - even if sometimes she can be nice?

You know what you need to do.

ICanHideButICantRun · 06/01/2023 19:46

Your children will behave like this, to you and to every woman they are involved with. They'll probably leave their dad alone, though, as they'll know what will happen to them.

You really need to get away from him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/01/2023 19:47

What he also shows you and your children is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

Your children do not adore him, they fear him as do you.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not. Do not make their abusive dad the cornerstone of their childhood.

Did your dad treat your mum like you are now?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

He does not act like this to his work colleagues. It is for you people alone his abuse is aimed at.

Take the rose tinted glasses off and stop making excuses for him. Start to plan your exit from this abusive marriage asap and before your kids go onto emulate their dads behaviour and you’re further dragged down by him.

Would urge you to contact Womens aid asap and get legal advice too.

Xrays · 06/01/2023 19:48

Oh the children will know how bad he is. They just won’t want to make him any angrier than he already is. They’ll pretend to adore him and tip toe around him because that’s their survival instinct.

Don’t let them turn into men like their dad. You have to show them this behaviour is abusive.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/01/2023 19:50

He’s not remorseful at all and you’ve heard versions of this from him before. Nothing has changed.

your children are aware of how dad acts towards you and in turn them and perhaps even blame themselves for their dads abuse of you and them. You are unable to protect them from his abuse of them and you, trying to do that while you are all under the same roof is impossible.

theremustonlybeone · 06/01/2023 19:52

yep i am sure the kids dont notice...you really have your head buried in the sand. They will be tip toe ing round him as they are living with an angry male. What will you do when the kids become teens and angry dad starts using violence on them when they challenge his 'authority. Things need to change now or your household will not be a nice place when your boys hormones start kicking in- they will have witnessed a father being quick to anger so they will end up the same

MargaritMargo · 06/01/2023 19:55

Don’t be so bloody daft OP, he’s been physical with you, screams and shouts and swears.

of course the kids know, I grew up with a very angry parent and I knew. It will be ingrained into them that their dad is a scary shouty bully and their mum is an enabler and didn’t protect them from it.

Ultimatum time - therapy and medication or he leaves.

Original poster
N00dal · 06/01/2023 20:03

MargaritMargo · 06/01/2023 19:55

Don’t be so bloody daft OP, he’s been physical with you, screams and shouts and swears.

of course the kids know, I grew up with a very angry parent and I knew. It will be ingrained into them that their dad is a scary shouty bully and their mum is an enabler and didn’t protect them from it.

Ultimatum time - therapy and medication or he leaves.

I agree with the ultimatum. That really made things clear. I can't keep on making excuses. He has to get help now...

I was hoping people would tell me I was making it worse than it is but I think I can see now maybe I'm doing the opposite...

OP posts:
Endoftheroad12345 · 06/01/2023 20:12

Hi OP

My husband is also like this (although occasionally it has escalated further than what you have described) and I am in The process of leaving him. Our kids are the same age as yours.

He is not “perfect” in between these episodes but he is. It all bad - we’ve had good times over a 20 year relationship and on a good day we would get on well - we have a lovely life materially so I’ve always thought I’d stick it out.

However there have been various tipping points - among them the fact that I can see being exposed to his outbursts is affecting the kids, especially my 8 year old. I thought I was staying for them but actually I am leaving for them.

i saw someone here describe these abusive outbursts as “the drop of shit that ruins the Michelin starred meal” and that really resonated for me.

I am 41 and I can’t fathom the thought of putting up with this for another 40+ years.

Best of luck to you - I felt sick about it but once I made the decision I just felt relief. Still a long road ahead as he is “blindsided” 🫤 so need to catch up …!

Endoftheroad12345 · 06/01/2023 20:15

P.S. I begged for him to go to therapy, get meds, cut down on drinking etc etc … it was never engaged with until I said I was done.

Now he wants to do everything but I don’t really care - he couldn’t be bothered when it was just something that was upsetting me, but now there are consequences for him he’s prepared to? Just feels like a continuation of his self centredness IMO.

As you can see I’m feeling very over it!!

Original poster
N00dal · 06/01/2023 20:20

Endoftheroad12345 · 06/01/2023 20:12

Hi OP

My husband is also like this (although occasionally it has escalated further than what you have described) and I am in The process of leaving him. Our kids are the same age as yours.

He is not “perfect” in between these episodes but he is. It all bad - we’ve had good times over a 20 year relationship and on a good day we would get on well - we have a lovely life materially so I’ve always thought I’d stick it out.

However there have been various tipping points - among them the fact that I can see being exposed to his outbursts is affecting the kids, especially my 8 year old. I thought I was staying for them but actually I am leaving for them.

i saw someone here describe these abusive outbursts as “the drop of shit that ruins the Michelin starred meal” and that really resonated for me.

I am 41 and I can’t fathom the thought of putting up with this for another 40+ years.

Best of luck to you - I felt sick about it but once I made the decision I just felt relief. Still a long road ahead as he is “blindsided” 🫤 so need to catch up …!

Thank you for this.

This means the world to me, truly.

I feel like the penny has dropped and its devastating

OP posts:
deeperthanallroses · 06/01/2023 20:24

N00dal · 06/01/2023 19:42

He is literally sitting here saying he feels terrible and will get help.

I am so torn. The kids don't seem to even be aware of his behaviour. I don't know if that's because I sheild them from it or because it isn't that bad.

Am I making it seem worse than it is? I think that's my fear

If you want to use the word
literally… He has literally never acted on getting help. Not made one therapist appt, not removed himself from the house when he feels it start, nothing. Words are cheap. He can sit there and say whatever he thinks you want to hear but his actions show what he really thinks about whether this is an acceptable way to treat his partner and his own small innocent children who adore him.

Dillydollydingdong · 06/01/2023 20:26

Just live separately, it's much easier. Although yes, I know it's more expensive.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/01/2023 20:28

Do not remain with such a man for the supposed sake of your children.

Such types of abusive men do not respond to therapy at all if infect ever and best case your man will need yearsof therapy .

Such men believe there is nothing wrong with their behaviour and feel entitled to act like this. It can also be learnt behaviour from their own parents.

Kleptronic · 06/01/2023 20:30

Your children don't adore him, they try to appease him to prevent/avoid abuse.

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 06/01/2023 20:34

You say it yourself OP

he is nasty and angry and aggressive and borderline violent… and you ADORE him

so I imagine you grew up in a family where it was normal for one partner to be violent and nasty? Maybe? so it’s your normal?

to an outsider, anyone who is this awful cannot be at the some time adorable

Atethehalloweenchocs · 06/01/2023 20:36

Grew up around an angry dad. My siblings and I all struggle with anger - either pathologically non confrontational to the point it makes difficulty, or dont recognize unacceptable behaviour until it is really extreme because our norm is set to white hot rage and anything less is easy to ignore. You are right to take action, this will hurt your children.