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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband of 10 years anger starting to cross the line

46 replies

N00dal · 06/01/2023 18:41

My husband and I have been married for 10 years, we have to boys (8 and 5) and he has always been quite quick to anger.

However recently he has even less control, he has pushed a toy into my face, punched things and stormed off. He is constantly swearing around the boys and is quick to anger or fustrarion (no patience to help the kids)

It has always been made worse when he plays video games, and he knows this but it doesn't stop him.

I adore him and have made so many excuses for him but I just need some perspective and advice on what to do.

He won't go to therapy (I have asked so many times) and is always so sorry after an episode, once he has calmed down...

HELP!

OP posts:

Worldpeaceandallthat · 06/01/2023 20:36

Xrays · 06/01/2023 19:48

Oh the children will know how bad he is. They just won’t want to make him any angrier than he already is. They’ll pretend to adore him and tip toe around him because that’s their survival instinct.

Don’t let them turn into men like their dad. You have to show them this behaviour is abusive.

My dad started out angry, impatient and progressed to domestically abusing my mum. I remember him smacking me and leaving an embedded red handprint and me thinking my leg was broken. My mum wasn't there at that moment. My point being:

You may think they are not affected but they may well be. Children are ever so perceptive. They may even feel protective like I did. "I don't want mum to see me sad."

My mum got out, eventually.

pinneddownbytabbies · 06/01/2023 20:37

N00dal · 06/01/2023 19:42

He is literally sitting here saying he feels terrible and will get help.

I am so torn. The kids don't seem to even be aware of his behaviour. I don't know if that's because I sheild them from it or because it isn't that bad.

Am I making it seem worse than it is? I think that's my fear

The kids appear unaware of his awful behaviour because it has become so normal to them that they don't even notice.

And that is worrying.

Worldpeaceandallthat · 06/01/2023 20:39

I forgot to add. My dad cried, begged for forgiveness and said he'd commit suicide when she left.

He then went on to do same to his two wives. They don't change.

Maytodecember · 06/01/2023 21:53

N00dal · 06/01/2023 19:42

He is literally sitting here saying he feels terrible and will get help.

I am so torn. The kids don't seem to even be aware of his behaviour. I don't know if that's because I sheild them from it or because it isn't that bad.

Am I making it seem worse than it is? I think that's my fear

Your children are aware of his behaviour, they hear his swearing, they feel his anger. Fast forward 15 years and imagine your sons treating a gf or partner in the same way, because that’s the behaviour they’ve learnt.
You could give your dh an ultimatum. He has to stop the gaming and he has a week to seek counselling, therapy to control his anger. If he fails to do these he leaves. it’ll take some tough love to do this and protect your children.

Notsuchaniceguy · 06/01/2023 22:30

Violent men - and pushing things into someone's face is violent - rarely change. However they are often very good at saying they will. Although it seems he can't even get that far. If he wants to change he needs quite a lot of committed therapy (which is hard to come by) and be willing to be away from you whilst he does the work. He also needs to be genuinely remorseful and willing to fully accept and understand that even if he changes he has no right to expect you to forgive him or reunite with him. I won't say it can't happen but the odds are very much against it.

You and your kids in the meantime need to be not living with him if that is safe to do. Fighting parents is a shit show for kids. Mine were verbally vile to each other (also a shit show) with occasional physical stuff. It fucked me up and I went on to choose to fuck others up in turn. Don't let that happen to your kids and you. Oh and don't think things being 'good' at times, even most of the time, is OK. See the brilliantly titled "but we took you to stately homes" thread and remember the drop of shit in the fine dinner metaphor. You'll spend your life wondering when the next outburst will happen and trying to prevent it so all the 'good' bits are ruined by constant tension and anticipatory anxiety.

Good luck and be careful. Women's Aid might be a place to have conversations about ways to stay safe.

Tinkerbyebye · 06/01/2023 23:06

N00dal · 06/01/2023 19:42

He is literally sitting here saying he feels terrible and will get help.

I am so torn. The kids don't seem to even be aware of his behaviour. I don't know if that's because I sheild them from it or because it isn't that bad.

Am I making it seem worse than it is? I think that's my fear

So tell him if he feels that terrible he gives up the gaming, now, hands everything over to you and you get rid

if he won’t he’s not interested so get your ducks in a row and split. He’s no role model for your kids, who will end up scared of him

Panpastels · 06/01/2023 23:16

My xh was like this, I was on eggshells around him. He didn't hit me but he would lose his temper, punch things and one day he kicked my daughters high chair when she was in it and threw his breakfast at the wall. I wish I had left him sooner.

AlloftheTime · 07/01/2023 07:34

@N00dal how are you this morning?

KettrickenSmiled · 07/01/2023 09:19

I agree with the ultimatum. That really made things clear. I can't keep on making excuses. He has to get help now...

When a man is constantly angry, violent in his own home, swears & storms around in front of his children, punches objects or pushes them into his wife's face, an ultimatum is not going to stop him.
This won't be the first time you've asked him to control himself, will it? And how has that worked, over the years?

There is no "help" that stops a man from abusing his wife & children.
He doesn't have an anger management problem. He has a control & abuse problem.
Does he storm around, swearing, punching things, shoving stiff into people's faces at work? Does he do it in social settings? At his hobbies, the gym?
Of course he doesn't.
He saves it for home, in secrecy. He is able to control himself elsewhere, with other people - he is able to control himself at home. He simply chooses not to, because he thinks you cannot retaliate & will keep his dirty secret for him.

Original poster

N00dal · 07/01/2023 10:01

AlloftheTime · 07/01/2023 07:34

@N00dal how are you this morning?

I feel like I have real perspective which is good. We have had a long talk and I have also shown him this thread. He is calling the doctor on Monday, and until then he is not playing any games.

I think I will feel more optimistic once the call to the doctor has been made. If he doesn't then I will leave. As hard as that is going to be. Contemplating leaving someone you love is hard.

Thank you everyone for all your help I'll keep you updated

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 07/01/2023 10:04

Does he behave like this at work? With other people than you?
If not then he knows what he is doing and is perfectly capable of controlling it, he just doesn’t want to

picklemewalnuts · 07/01/2023 11:05

Gosh, that's a bit limp. Ringing the doctor and not playing games until he has.

What would your DC do to get two days with no games machine? I'd imagine if they'd repeatedly behaved as your DH has it would be a more severe punishment. And they are only DC, still learning to control themselves.

He's doing well out of it so far, then.

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/01/2023 11:10

So, no change then.

KettrickenSmiled · 07/01/2023 11:12

Why do you think a visit to his GP is going to 'cure' years of controlling & abusive behaviour?

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0399148442

AlloftheTime · 07/01/2023 11:37

N00dal · 07/01/2023 10:01

I feel like I have real perspective which is good. We have had a long talk and I have also shown him this thread. He is calling the doctor on Monday, and until then he is not playing any games.

I think I will feel more optimistic once the call to the doctor has been made. If he doesn't then I will leave. As hard as that is going to be. Contemplating leaving someone you love is hard.

Thank you everyone for all your help I'll keep you updated

Show quote history

Keep your perspective and also the determination to effect change which may be with or without him in your life. Contemplating big change is always difficult never more so than when it impacts so many people. Try and think about what love means to you and what a good, healthy relationship really is. I wish you strength I know how painful decisions like this are.

ImBlueDab · 07/01/2023 17:59

If he's sat there upset and wants to get help, has he actually done anything to get help! Words and actions op

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/01/2023 18:15

N00dal

You continue to sell yourself short when it comes to your abuser.

The GP, even if your H bothers to phone them on Monday (he's got away with a lot today), is not going to do anything of any real benefit here. Your H can easily fool a GP into subsequently diagnosing him with depression and or anxiety from a questionnaire; he is not going to tell any GP the full truth.

He does NOT have an anger management problem, he can and does control himself around other people. AM courses are also no answer to domestic violence which is also what you are describing. It is for you and in turn your kids, this level of abuse is aimed at. Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute here over you all.

He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you call him out on his unreasonable and otherwise abusive behaviour.

I do not think you love him so much as you being in a codependent relationship with him.

How did you end up here with this man, a man who also likely targeted you deliberately?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

mikado1 · 07/01/2023 18:20

I think the fact he's doing nothing to help himself is completely unfair. No doubts the roots of this are probably in his own childhood, consciously or not. This was my H, he has done the therapy, rarely shouts anymore, is just much less reactive...but the marriage is still unlikely to last as it destroyed my feelings for him. He is incredibly remorseful etc. but the damage is done.

AlloftheTime · 08/01/2023 11:47

@N00dal
how are you this morning?

billy1966 · 08/01/2023 12:49

Your poor children being abused and you think a GP visit will help.

Hopefully your children will speak to a teacher and alert them to the abuse and SS will be called on their behalf.

They are being badly damaged by this abuse and they absolutely know what their father is like.

He is clearly more important than your children, because if he wasn't you would have called the police when he assaulted you.

You can still report him for assault.

Your poor children.

When you think about how much you adore him, remind yourself you adore and nasty, bullying abusive man who assaulted you and emotionally abuses small children.

He's some prince alright🙄

ehb102 · 08/01/2023 15:10

The point of these outbursts is control. You know there may be another one. He uses that fear. Then when he wants to increase the fear the outburst comes. Now you are afraid that he might hit you or say something devastating.

He doesn't do it to anyone in power does he?

Refuse to be controlled, refuse that control for your children.

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