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Relationships

When sex is an issue

56 replies

spacecadet · 06/01/2023 04:42

Just that really. Been involved with someone for 6 months off and on. Distance between us meant not being able to agree to a proper relationship but we tried to keep it going because we really liked each other. Once or twice issues of sexual compatibility would come up. He claimed sex with a condom was rubbish but I was aware he might be sleeping with others so was not prepared to do it without one. The last time we saw each other he stopped midway and said ours would have to be a platonic love because it just did not work in the bedroom. This has flawed me completely because afterwards he was still acting like we were together and talked of our next meeting like it was completely normal. I've been left feeling broken because I've tried moving on from him and just haven't felt any attraction to anyone else. Now I feel like sex is going to be a huge issue in any new relationship too and I just don't know how to process this. I feel like I need therapy or something but the immediate issue is how do I leave things with him? Has anyone been in this situation and pursued a sexless relationship accepting that you'll both try to get your kicks elsewhere? I don't want to lose him completely because apart from that one issue everything else has been great.

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StopStartStop · 06/01/2023 04:50

Nope. That isn't any kind of relationship. Block and forget.

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Outtasteamandluck · 06/01/2023 04:53

'On & off' '6months'

Raise your bar OP.

You don't know him and now you're incompatible in the bedroom.

Chuck this one back and go find someone you do click with.

We get what settle for.

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Guavafish1 · 06/01/2023 04:59

It's now working out

6 months is about enough time to recognise you're not compatible. No ones fault. As others have said, time to move on.

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Jellycatspyjamas · 06/01/2023 05:09

Is he trying to persuade you to drop using condoms? That alone would be enough to end it with him given you know he’s sleeping with other people - and presumably not using protection with them because “sex with a condom is rubbish”. He’s not concerned about his, and your, health.

Its been 6 months and on and off during that time, which isn’t a great basis for a relationship in the long term, long distance or not. When you say not a “proper” relationship what does that mean, cos it sounds like you’re waiting for him and he’s getting his kicks elsewhere. Is it a FWB arrangement and you’ve developed feelings for him, cos that’s what it sounds like.

In any event he can’t give you what you want so time to move on.

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Zanatdy · 06/01/2023 05:13

People who have been together years with kids together might agree to a sexless relationship. But when you’ve not been together long, just no. Move on from him. If you don’t fancy anyone else that’s fine, take your time. He’s clearly not into you, it’s his issue not yours, no reason another relationship would be like this

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autienotnaughty · 06/01/2023 05:18

Agree completely with everyone else. You are six months in it should be the fun, ripping each others clothes off stage. It's clearly not working, either he doesn't feel that way about you or he's using sex to manipulate and get what he wants. Either way I'd move on.

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spacecadet · 06/01/2023 05:38

It was fun at the start, that's the thing. We had great chemistry and it was fun and exciting. The issues started to creep in around me waxing and him not using condoms but we were still really into each other and made the effort to keep things going. He seemed to have a very defined idea of what sex should be and sometimes it was great for both of us. All through this we've had a strong emotional connection and talked about how to move things forward. He says he's not seeing anyone else at the moment but I always felt things might not be completely over with his ex who he has a child with. Anyway it's been complicated from the start and I know I need to walk away but I take a long time to feel anything for anyone and I did with him.

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WaterfallToo · 06/01/2023 06:11

What were the waxing issues?

My view on this is he has little respect for both yours and his health. If you asked for an STI test and it came back negative do you trust that he would not then sleep with someone else? Personally for me it will feel like playing Russian roulette because I respect my sexual health and he doesn't sound trustworthy.

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MintJulia · 06/01/2023 06:43

autienotnaughty · 06/01/2023 05:18

Agree completely with everyone else. You are six months in it should be the fun, ripping each others clothes off stage. It's clearly not working, either he doesn't feel that way about you or he's using sex to manipulate and get what he wants. Either way I'd move on.

This

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whoknew123 · 06/01/2023 07:00

You are well rid, sorry to say he's using you as a FWB. Genuinely sometimes people don't click in the bedroom. I know I've had rubbish and awkward sex, is it all me? Apparently not as now my DH and I have amazing sex. Your time will come (literally 😉 ) don't be put off by the idiots and insincere.

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OrlandointheWilderness · 06/01/2023 07:01

Nah, get rid. It should be easy after 6 months!

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CatchHimDerry · 06/01/2023 07:06

I had almost the exact situation.

As PP have said, just not compatible.

Try not to take it to heart! I know how hard that can be though.

Eventually I met now DH, sex and everything else was amazing and not “difficult”. You shouldn’t have to work hard at anything 6 months in.

In the bin 🗑️ with this one, the right one is out there for you x

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JangolinaPitt · 06/01/2023 07:11

Was the issue with waxing or not waxing?

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XmasElf10 · 06/01/2023 07:25

It’s ALWAYS fun at the start … if it wasn’t you wouldn’t have a second or third date. For the first 6 months evertone is on their best behaviour being fun and not rocking the boat. It’s normally around the 6 month mark that people relax into being themselves and you see the real them.

You can now start to see who he is. It will NEVER go back to how it was in the first few months. What you are seeing now is what there is. Don’t put up with a bit shit because you are hoping it will go back to how it was or because you invested so much time already.

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JLoti · 06/01/2023 07:32

End it before your self esteem falls through the floor!

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Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/01/2023 07:41

I take a long time to feel anything for anyone and I did with him

its very hard . I’m in a casual arrangement with someone and whilst we don’t have these issues he’s emotionally avoidant and it makes me super anxious

but I find it very hard to let go if it as I fancy him and like him so much !

but , life goes one and we do find others eventually

id day the waxing means he’s been watching wasaaaay too much pornhub

but the sex would be a deal breaker

what’s the point otherwise!?!

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spacecadet · 06/01/2023 09:06

I get that some men have preferences and I'm fine with that but the odd thing is the sex was actually better before. I don't know, I just feel really low about the whole thing and don't know how to move forward.

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MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 06/01/2023 09:09

He sounds awful OP!

What was the waxing issue?

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xfan · 06/01/2023 09:30

spacecadet · 06/01/2023 09:06

I get that some men have preferences and I'm fine with that but the odd thing is the sex was actually better before. I don't know, I just feel really low about the whole thing and don't know how to move forward.

You've known this person a short amount of time (in the grand scheme of things), why are you so emotionally invested? Do you have other commitments in life? Do you fear being back on the dating scene "and having to go through it all over again"?

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spacecadet · 06/01/2023 09:37

Off and on about six months, all in about two years. Emotionally invested because I can't do relationships any other way.

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pointythings · 06/01/2023 09:41

So is this that he wanted you to wax, you didn't, he wanted sex without condoms, you didn't and then he sexually dumped you because he couldn't get what he wanted? If yes then he's a manipulative selfish tosser and honestly no great loss.

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2LitreBottle · 06/01/2023 09:42

My ex hated condoms too, but funnily enough, even without them we didn’t have a lot of PIV sex. He’d say he couldn’t really feel anything, I was too wet so there was no friction etc Whenever he did get going he’d thrust so hard he’d injure himself and have to stop.

It was actually just because he didn’t have a very big dick and was lazy. Sex was better for both of us if he just used his hands and I gave him a BJ, so he could just lie there and focus on it. He was also a prolific porn user so had probably desensitised himself to normal sex.

I spent 9 years feeling like there was something wrong with me because he couldn’t really enjoy sex with me.

Slept with a new man a couple of times who has a decent sized dick and knows how to use it! He clearly very much enjoys himself, even with a condom on. And has said nothing but good things about sex with me.

It’s amazing how they can make you feel like you’re at fault when it’s their penis that’s the problem.

Dump this one, he’s not a keeper.

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wineNcheeseifYplease · 06/01/2023 09:43

What @pointythings said

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EBearhug · 06/01/2023 09:52

I've not yet come across a single man (and there have been a lot of them in the last year,) who has voluntarily started a conversation about condoms. None of them wants to wear them, but if I agree to sex without for one, I could be doing that with others, so they should want to use them for their own protection. I prefer sex without condoms, too, but most of them prefer sex with than no sex.


But anyway. It's him, not you. You can do better. Take some time to get over it, then get back out there!

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Naunet · 06/01/2023 10:01

So he tried to pressure you into not using a condom, possibly to wax too, you suspect he’s still sleeping with his ex and he had very fixed ideas about sex? Sounds like a keeper!

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