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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Messages... end of marriage? What would you thunk?

45 replies

jlr1986 · 05/01/2023 21:58

I am hoping that others maybe able to advise on what they would do in this situation, or help me think a little clearly.

Been with DH for 16 years, married, x2 kids. We have generally had a good marriage, lots of happy times, but also lots of ups and downs.

I over the last 6 years or so we seem to go through phases of being very unhappy- well generally myself. There has been no affection, no sex, lack of any responsibility for the household etc.

At the beginning of summer, after a works night out , I came downstairs to find wine glasses and his phone on the floor (clearly v drunk!). A message popped up which read 'were both adults etc' but didn't know his password to read into it.

After another works night out before Xmas I am sorry to say that I snooped on his phone as he has been an absolute pain. Same lady, really flirty text messages about the evening, how they were going to be the talk of work etc.

I plucked up the courage to ask him whether he was seeing someone. He categorically denied it. He has since over the last week changed his password on his phone.

I know I should have worded the question differently, or maybe stated that I had seen some messages etc. Now am I reading too much into this? Or should.i be worried? He's not telling me the truth I believe but I'm never going to get this from him. Really confused as to whether you would leave a marriage over this? Or.whether it is just flirty harmful work banter

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Grandmasword · 05/01/2023 22:18

He is lying to you and you know he is.
Changing the password to his phone is a huge indicator of deceit.

Whatever you do, please look up Chump lady on Facebook, she gives great advice.

Also look up the cheater script online

jasper333 · 05/01/2023 22:23

Trust that gut feeling

ednatheevilwitch · 05/01/2023 22:57

For me the end of trust signals the end of a relationship (or my investment in it if ducks need to be lined up first) it's such a personal choice only you can decide if this is a dealbreaker for you.

Pottyaboutplants · 05/01/2023 22:59

I think you know the answer already OP.

What would you like to happen next? Counselling? End the marriage? Continue as you are?

pastypirate · 05/01/2023 23:10

How did you know he changed his password if you didn't know it before?

JustKittenAround · 05/01/2023 23:11

pastypirate · 05/01/2023 23:10

How did you know he changed his password if you didn't know it before?

Yeah………. This

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/01/2023 23:13

When you say, you found wine glasses, do you mean there were two glasses? Do you think he actually had someone to your house?

Pickledprune · 05/01/2023 23:21

Following as in a very similar situation with my i hope you are ok OP xxx

Mari9999 · 05/01/2023 23:26

Changing a password does not necessarily mean deceit. I would change my password if anyone ( even those that I love dearly) were to read my messages or attempt to do so without my permission and approval. For me that would be an invasion of my privacy that no one has the right to do.

A snippet of a sentence does not mean necessarily that he is cheating. You say that you have both been unhappy for the past several years. Have you cheated during that time? Is he less moral than you? Does he have less self control than you? If you would not do the worst ,why make that assumption about him?

Given that you both have been unhappy, why not suggest counseling to try and find your way back to a better place or if necessary to separate with some civility.

He may be cheating. He may have found a friend with whom there is no anger, disappointment, or animosity when they talk. It may be nothing at all.

If there is still value in your relationship , you should explore ways to salvage it. Don't assume that he is cheating, but ask yourself if he were to be cheating would you want to walk away? Only you can decide what is the most reasonable direction for you. Don't be overly influenced by what any of us say, you are the only one who has to walk in your shoes.

Whatever you decide, move forward with strength and self confidence. You can't change the past, but you can take control of your future.

Original poster
jlr1986 · 06/01/2023 06:38

Thank you everyone for your replies they have been really helpful to read through.

No there was just a wine glass on the floor, so nobody been around to the house.

I didn't, at the time, know his password. However u couldn't get the thought out of my mind so by fluke managed to guess it. But I have never been through his phone, don't really feel the need to. However I felt for myself that I needed to do this.

Him changing the password could just be one of those things? He has an iPhone which I think indicates you have to do every so often? Just seems suspicious that it happened a couple of days after the conversation.

I think I am going to approach the situation again this weekend, and then maybe suggest counciling and see where we go from there. At the minute I don't really know what I want, and that's the problem.

OP posts:
whoknew123 · 06/01/2023 06:55

There's work 'banter' and there's outright flirting with someone met through work. For me outright flirting with someone else is disrespectful and not acceptable. If there was nothing to worry about, hide or be ashamed about, why the need to keep messages on his phone protected? I think you need to be honest with him and explain what you've seen and ask him to put your mind at ease and share what he's apparently hiding.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 06/01/2023 06:59

You don’t have to change your password on an iPhone. I’d be very suspicious.

FawnFrenchieMum · 06/01/2023 07:00

iPhone doesn’t ask you to change your pin, I’ve had the same one since I got an iPhone probably 15 years ago!

Original poster
jlr1986 · 06/01/2023 07:17

That's good to know re the change of password! Yes confrontation is clearly needed... let's see what he's says. I just want honesty then I suppose we could potentially move on. However I am not sure that I will believe him if he says he hasn't done anything .

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 06/01/2023 07:19

What was said in the messages?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/01/2023 07:30

I’d say you are both unhappy

he’s gone a bit further with his unhappiness and has started an emotional or physical affair with someone

I never cheated on my ex , but I did get massive crushes

why he’s crossed the line when you havnt I don’t know

but the ‘talk of work’ indicates something went on , even if just heavy flirting

‘were both adults’ indicates some talk of sexual and possible some reluctance on his side ?

either way you have enough evidence to instigate a serious conversation

can this be saved ?
does he want to save it ?
do you ?

and can you recover from him starting a sexual connection with another woman ? would be easier to forgive if you’d had a similar experience but I’m guessing you have been so busy this hasn’t happened at your end

Original poster
jlr1986 · 06/01/2023 07:44

Well I originally stated that I am unhappy. Then I posed the question to him and he said 'he could be happy with me'. We are just what I would describe as good friends.

The messages were just saying 'your naughty when you are drunk', 'very flirty, didn't care who was watching', 'the need to be more professional' etc. So could be totally innocent flirting. But it's the same work colleague and clearly there's some sexual chemistry. He might not have cheated, but hes not told me the truth.

OP posts:
NoPrivateSpy · 06/01/2023 07:51

Erm, even without any physical cheating, flirting by text with a colleague is really not on, OP.

Why are your standards so low?

JLoti · 06/01/2023 08:00

If it smells like fish, it usually is fish!

I doubt you will get the full truth now he knows you are on to him.

YoSofi · 06/01/2023 08:05

Oh come on, if he’s not already cheated with her he’s working his way up to it.

He’ll be getting that little thrill from the txts, the feeling of excitement at seeing her at work, thinking about her when he should be putting all of his emotional energy in to you, his wife.

Look him calmly in the face, tell him you believe he is not being honest with you and you would like to see his phone and make it clear that if he refuses the marriage is over. And mean it.

I would put my house on him refusing because “privacy” 🙄. You don’t trust him, you’re crazy etc etc. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Stop being a passenger in your life and take control, he’s taking the piss and you deserve better.

Original poster
jlr1986 · 06/01/2023 08:28

Thanks for your support its really helped... im going to talk again tonight ... maybe a glass of wine for courage !

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 06/01/2023 08:32

You no longer trust him, so the relationship is over.

rainbowstardrops · 06/01/2023 08:34

Well at the very least, they've been flirty together and as he's denied everything then he's lied to you.
I hope he tells you the truth

Campervangirl · 06/01/2023 09:43

I've said this before when answering posts on MN . . . . .
Trust your instincts, you have them for a reason, human beings are the only species on earth who don't trust their instincts, we will make excuses, ignore them, talk ourselves down when clearly we should be listening to our instincts.
Added to this you actually have seen messages but have not fully confronted your H and told him what you've seen, maybe because you don't want to really know the answer as it will bring it to a head and you'll have to decide whether to leave or stay, you may believe he will lie to you, he'll gaslight you into thinking you've got it wrong and then he'll accuse you of invading his privacy.
The fact that you are posting this issue strongly suggests that you believe he's having an emotional affair at the very least.
Personally I'd confront him, I wouldn't put up with it, I couldn't live like that.
Good luck op

Aquamarine1029 · 06/01/2023 09:49

Given you're both miserable and have an affectionless, sexless marriage, I'd say you have a lot to be worried about. Why live like this?