Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Messages... end of marriage? What would you thunk?

45 replies

jlr1986 · 05/01/2023 21:58

I am hoping that others maybe able to advise on what they would do in this situation, or help me think a little clearly.

Been with DH for 16 years, married, x2 kids. We have generally had a good marriage, lots of happy times, but also lots of ups and downs.

I over the last 6 years or so we seem to go through phases of being very unhappy- well generally myself. There has been no affection, no sex, lack of any responsibility for the household etc.

At the beginning of summer, after a works night out , I came downstairs to find wine glasses and his phone on the floor (clearly v drunk!). A message popped up which read 'were both adults etc' but didn't know his password to read into it.

After another works night out before Xmas I am sorry to say that I snooped on his phone as he has been an absolute pain. Same lady, really flirty text messages about the evening, how they were going to be the talk of work etc.

I plucked up the courage to ask him whether he was seeing someone. He categorically denied it. He has since over the last week changed his password on his phone.

I know I should have worded the question differently, or maybe stated that I had seen some messages etc. Now am I reading too much into this? Or should.i be worried? He's not telling me the truth I believe but I'm never going to get this from him. Really confused as to whether you would leave a marriage over this? Or.whether it is just flirty harmful work banter

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Nowthatlovehasperished · 06/01/2023 09:51

He is seeing that woman. He is lying.
My DH changed his passcode when I first suspected. He changed his passcode so that he could carry on his affair.
Based on my experience and the mistakes that I made along the way I would pretend to believe him, but hire a PI to get photos/evidence so that he can't deny and then kick him out.

bluebellmay2020 · 06/01/2023 10:47

Book a pretend works night out and wait outside the house? Or go out and come back early?

Mari9999 · 06/01/2023 12:11

Why all of the suggested game playing? You do not need PIs or sneaking around yourself? In most places, divorce is no fault . There is no blame for cheating nor any brownie points for having evidence of cheating.

KangarooKenny · 06/01/2023 12:14

You don’t need a reason to end it anymore. You don’t trust him so why would you stay ?

YukoandHiro · 06/01/2023 12:17

I've never had to change my password on my iPhone. I've had the same password on my last 4 iPhones. Not an issue. He knows you're suspicious and he's changed it to stop you potentially guessing it (which you clearly did once)

whoknew123 · 06/01/2023 12:48

The messages clearly point towards more serious flirty behaviour. For me personally this is a red flag and a serious matter.

Blueborage · 06/01/2023 13:04

If you have some concrete evidence, and you do, and you do not believe your husband will tell you the truth then your marriage is over. At the very least, your husband is making you a fool in front of all his colleagues. Perhaps you are okay with some woman sending your husband inappropriate texts about how everybody will have notice their behaviour. I mean your husband is seemingly awful but she sounds like a real catch!

Twenty five years ago I confronted my husband over his checked out behaviour. It turned out he was tired and stressed about us having a small child after a lovely relaxed child-free lifestyle till our 30s. He wasn't cheating or not doing his fair share. He was genuinely shocked by my questions and did his best to reassure me. My husband would have willingly shown me his cellphone or any of his computer accounts if I'd wanted to look. I totally believed him and if I hadn't we would have been through. I assume I was right to trust him because 25 years later I've never seen any sign of cheating.

purpledalmation · 06/01/2023 13:12

Never changed my iPhone password. That's nonsense. I'm sure you realise you should have checked when you could. He's lying to you.

Choconut · 06/01/2023 13:21

I would say to him that you saw a message from a woman pop up on there sounding flirty and that they were both adults or whatever and you would like to look at his phone to reassure yourself that it was nothing. Hopefully now that he's changed his password he will not have been deleting any messages. His response will tell you all he needs to know - unless he is carefully deleting them after suspecting you might have been on there.

I think it's the best option you have anyway.

Original poster
jlr1986 · 06/01/2023 13:41

Thank you for all the replies. I shall let you know how the conversation goes!

OP posts:
whoknew123 · 06/01/2023 15:24

jlr1986 · 06/01/2023 13:41

Thank you for all the replies. I shall let you know how the conversation goes!

Best of luck, don't take no for answer. He may not consider that he's done anything wrong (at least I bet that's what he'll say) in which case he needs it explaining to him that you find certain behaviours unacceptable and disrespectful. I hope for your sake it's nothing worse than that X

KangarooKenny · 06/01/2023 15:27

If he has lied, he’s going to continue to do so to try and get out of the situation.
‘Trust your instinct, and good luck.

ImBlueDab · 06/01/2023 15:31

The problem with these kinds of messages between work colleges, or anyone for that matter is, he won't be putting his emotional energy into your relationship. A struggling relationship will never get better whilst he's got a foot into another woman (not literally, that would be gross and v Inbwtweeners Grin)

HappyNewYear2023 · 06/01/2023 15:49

Good luck OP.

At the very least it's an emotional affair, but I'd lay money on its been physical.

Bh71 · 07/02/2023 07:13

Personally I wouldn’t involve the police.
However he has committed a criminal offence - against you! You have to leave him for that. It’s unforgivable.
your holiday idea is madness. Why can’t you take them alone. You can’t go on holiday with this man after what he has just done.

Bh71 · 07/02/2023 07:13

Sorry wrong thread!

LouLou900 · 07/02/2023 07:26

jlr1986 · 06/01/2023 13:41

Thank you for all the replies. I shall let you know how the conversation goes!

How did you get on, OP? x

Original poster
jlr1986 · 07/02/2023 08:07

So a little update for you.. it turns out that he had kissed and sexual contact with the lady at the beginning of last year. Then when i found messages at Xmas he said he had apparently said nothing was going to happen etc, but why string her along a year? Loads of red flags... I think there's more to it that he has said. They ate friends, go out for coffee, he mentors her at work etc... I've ended it and currently filing for divorce can't trust a word he is saying.. sad times but hopeful for the future x

OP posts:
Andypandy799 · 07/02/2023 10:26

@jlr1986 at least you now have some more truth although it’s probably not everything. Good luck with the solicitor

rainbowstardrops · 07/02/2023 11:12

All the best @jlr1986 and well done for not tolerating his lies Flowers

New posts on this thread. Refresh page