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Original poster

Why did this guy treat me like this and made a mess of me?

51 replies

hyacinth1039 · 05/01/2023 20:24

I am slightly anxious when it comes to communicating with men. The reason for this is that I consider myself not beautiful enough and even ugly sometimes, although I have often received attention from men.

However, something happened recently that made me a complete mess. I went to a party where one of the boys repeatedly initiated conversations with me. I noticed how he was often looking at me, one time even staring at me continuously, and even smiling at me. I also freely talked to him, smiling and trying my best to show that I was interested too.

Then, just when my insecure mind decided that maybe there is a slim chance that he liked me, I was left shocked. Suddenly, he asked me and my girlfriend for advice about some girl he met recently and liked, but she ghosted him.
Since he told us that he realized it wasn't worth it and got over her, I decided to keep communicating with him, hoping that we would at least exchange contacts in the end since we would never see each other again. But that didn't happen and we all left.

So, I welcomed the New Year with a shattered peace of mind, very confused and convinced more than ever that apparently I'm not pretty enough or even ugly once he didn't do anything more. I know how he was looking at me, it was definitely not accidental eye contact, he was staring at me repeatedly and consistently. And he began initiating conversations. Am I really that delusional and if there is any chance he really liked me? But if he had, why didn't he want anything more?

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 05/01/2023 20:32

He is not a god OP.

You are putting too much of your thoughts into this.

Make this new year about changing what you need to about yourself to not feel ugly or not worthy and don't give him another moment's thought. There is probably a decent reason his love lust didn't like him.

Snoopystick · 05/01/2023 20:38

No one is going to know the answer as to whether he was interested in you or not, but do not measure your self-worth against a man you met once at a party. You need to start valuing yourself 🙂

Lookingoutside · 05/01/2023 23:50

That shouldn’t have ‘made a mess’ of you but I understand why you feel how you do.

As has been said, think about how you see yourself and try to build up some self worth and boundaries. You’re a whole person whether some guy at a party likes you or not.

For what it’s worth though, I think he did it on purpose to unbalance and wrong foot you. To cause distress and feel powerful. It’s called negging and is done to women by inadequate men who feel threatened by them.

Dust yourself off and plan something nice. Leave this idiot in the past.

RememberNancyDrew · 06/01/2023 00:31

Just count it as "practice" for chatting with men.
The more you do it, the more comfortable you will be.

ClaryFairchild · 06/01/2023 00:36

Possibly he was playing one of those games - how to reel in a woman type things. The ex girlfriend part was him trying to make you do a "pick me" dance.

WandaWonder · 06/01/2023 00:53

We can't say why he did what he did, it might help not to read anything too deeply unless you actually know what he is thinking

Even the experts on here who can tell you he is male so it must have been this and that have no idea

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 06/01/2023 01:08

I'm someone who has a lot of men staring at me. I'd say a large percentage of the time, they are too shy to actually ask for my number. I'm very attractive but I still have to ask people for their phone number or say I find them attractive directly or nothing will come of it.

I can't imagine someone doing this deliberately to try to mess with you. I think it's much more likely he just bottled it.

Dery · 06/01/2023 07:24

@hyacinth1039 - you need to entirely reframe your thinking. I’m guessing you’re actually very physically attractive and therefore attach too much importance to your looks (as an OP said, this guy may just have chickened out of asking for your tel no) but in any case a person’s attractiveness is a composite of physical appearance and personality. Most people are fairly ordinary looking - pleasant but not stunning - and most people find partners who love them.

The biggest problem you’ve got is you don’t know how to relax around men and appear to see them all as potential boyfriends. You think they hold all the power. They’re not and they don’t.

Men are first and foremost people just like women are and just like people who identify as both or neither. I’m wondering whether you were in single sex education without other exposure to boys (through extra-curricular activities, family or friends etc).

Take thoughts of dating off the table for now. Find group activities you enjoy which also involve men and/or get involved in activities at work (or uni - not sure of your age) which involve working together with men and allow you to practise just being around them. Once you can relax around men, things will become a lot easier and you’re much more likely to meet someone who suits you as a boyfriend. You’ll have a better time anyway.

Original poster
hyacinth1039 · 06/01/2023 12:47

Dery · 06/01/2023 07:24

@hyacinth1039 - you need to entirely reframe your thinking. I’m guessing you’re actually very physically attractive and therefore attach too much importance to your looks (as an OP said, this guy may just have chickened out of asking for your tel no) but in any case a person’s attractiveness is a composite of physical appearance and personality. Most people are fairly ordinary looking - pleasant but not stunning - and most people find partners who love them.

The biggest problem you’ve got is you don’t know how to relax around men and appear to see them all as potential boyfriends. You think they hold all the power. They’re not and they don’t.

Men are first and foremost people just like women are and just like people who identify as both or neither. I’m wondering whether you were in single sex education without other exposure to boys (through extra-curricular activities, family or friends etc).

Take thoughts of dating off the table for now. Find group activities you enjoy which also involve men and/or get involved in activities at work (or uni - not sure of your age) which involve working together with men and allow you to practise just being around them. Once you can relax around men, things will become a lot easier and you’re much more likely to meet someone who suits you as a boyfriend. You’ll have a better time anyway.

I've actually been going to several different therapists for 3 years, but unfortunately, when it comes to my low self-esteem about my appearance, I never saw any results and that depresses me even more when people say ,,Therapy works wonders''.

By the way, I've had a few similar situations in the past year that my therapists think is proof that I'm not ugly and have attention from men, but it's like when a guy doesn't ask for contact, I automatically assume it's because of my looks and refuse to accept that there was real interest in me. For instance, one day I was walking down a busy central street talking on the phone. Then, a handsome guy was quite persistent in trying to catch up with me, and when he stopped me, he told me that I looked pretty. I thanked him and was acting nice, but he didn't ask for my contacts and just smiled and left.

Even though this situation was like a booster for my low self-esteem, the fact that he didn't ask for my contacts made me think: ,,Well, he apparently thought I was pretty from afar, but when he got close to me, he figured that I'm not that pretty and he's given up, otherwise why would someone chase me just to compliment me.'' This situation is quite similar and again I take it in a particularly painful way for me…

OP posts:
Dery · 06/01/2023 13:30

@hyacinth1039 - your reply was again all about looks and getting external validation from men.

What else have you got going on in your life? Sitting talking about your looks isn’t going to help you much. Focussing on other interests, activities, skills and talents is going to be much more productive for you.

YouTarzan · 06/01/2023 13:57

We've all had situations where we hoped someone would ask us out, and they did not, in spite of seeming interested.

Most people do not think of themselves as having been 'made a mess of' as a result! If this is how you're reacting to such a commonplace scenario, I would be wary that you'll sleepwalk into an abusive situation.

EthicalNonMahogany · 06/01/2023 14:00

God, who wants some dick who accosts you in the street to ask for your number? Dodged a bullet there.

What messages did you get about women, men and courting, growing up, OP?

fortheast12 · 06/01/2023 14:01

This might sound random, but what is your accent like OP? e.g. if you are very well-spoken, this might intimidate them?

Mardyface · 06/01/2023 14:03

Did YOU like the boy at the party or were you just worried about whether or not he liked you?

Contrary to what a lot of our collective media would have us believe, human relationships have very little to do with what people look like. You are not a product, you are a person. If you have friends there is no reason you can't have a romantic relationship, but it needs to start with YOU feeling attracted to someone. That is not just about looks but what you have in common, how you think about things, what you find funny.

I suspect you are actually very beautiful but that is also likely to be the LEAST interesting thing about you! What do you like doing? What is fun for you? Focus on that and the rest will follow. Easier said than done I know.

Watchkeys · 06/01/2023 14:16

Bluntly, you are the person making a mess of you. You could have walked away from this (and still can) with a different mindset. For example 'I wouldn't want anything to do with such a misleading prat.'
You are giving the deciding vote on your self esteem to one man you don't know.

Your question isn't about why he did what he did, but why what he did had the power to affect you so badly. Why is your self esteem so low that one random bloke's assumed opinion wrecks it?

SunshineAndFizz · 06/01/2023 14:22

Next time ask for his number? Maybe he was trying to make conversation with you.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 06/01/2023 15:01

It probably has nothing to do with how you look. You are clear in your mind that he was demonstrating that he found you attractive, just like the man that followed you down the street, so it was be logical to assume that he did think you were physically appealing but when he spoke to you over a longer period of time, he just didn’t feel a spark. Attraction is not just about looks.

Original poster
hyacinth1039 · 06/01/2023 15:02

Honestly, the reason I I blame my looks for the failed situations with these guys is because I've seen many situations with my girlfriends who were actively pursued (not in a creepy way) by guys who they couldn't even communicate with on such a wide variety of topics like I could and didn't even have much in common. And they all got into healthy relationships.

I consider myself an intelligent girl with a sense of humor. And witnessing the situations above and even boring girls who don't offer much besides good looks, getting pursued by guys that fall in love with them... This made me believe that although appearance is not the most important thing, it is clearly among the most defining things.

Therefore, you can imagine how easily I came to this painful conclusion when I did my best at that party and still nothing happened. I know this thinking is damaging and kills my self-esteem + makes my life a hell but I just don't know how to stop it :(

OP posts:
PearlclutchersInc · 06/01/2023 15:08

He didn't make a mess of you. You can't make people do what you want.

Put it down to experience and move on.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 06/01/2023 15:11

And witnessing the situations above and even boring girls who don't offer much besides good looks,

That's really rude. What's boring to you may not be boring to someone else.

dooneyousmugelf · 06/01/2023 15:12

Perhaps you gave off the red flags demonstrated here in your OP and replies. Sorry but this isn't healthy or attractive to a potential partner

Watchkeys · 06/01/2023 15:13

You stop it by believing your own opinion of yourself. Would you have a relationship with you? If so, does that mean that you think that every man will want to have a relationship with you? If not, why is this guy so important? Or the last 3? Or the last 10? Would you feel the same if he was ugly and fat and spotty and smelly, and he'd walked away? If not, what's the difference? Your insecurity is coming from you, not from the way you're treated. Your happiness is your responsibility, and it's up to you and you alone to make sure you get it. Whoever turns you down is someone to be glad you're rid of, not someone to psychoanalyse. None of us are attractive to everybody. Why do you want to be?

watchfulwishes · 06/01/2023 15:14

You're obsessed with your appearance. Having a happy life and good relationships is not dependent on looks.

I think you need to address this, I don't know how, but you're thinking about this all wrong.

Snoopystick · 06/01/2023 15:14

I think we’ve probably all been there when we’ve fancied someone and it’s not been reciprocated. Doesn’t mean we’re not attractive or interesting. To coin a corny phrase….just not your lobster.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/01/2023 15:21

Being this obsessed with looks is also very very boring op I'm afraid.
I think if therapy isn't working, you might need to find something that does. A hobby maybe.

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