Why did this guy treat me like this and made a mess of me?

[hyacinth1039]

I am slightly anxious when it comes to communicating with men. The reason for this is that I consider myself not beautiful enough and even ugly sometimes, although I have often received attention from men.

However, something happened recently that made me a complete mess. I went to a party where one of the boys repeatedly initiated conversations with me. I noticed how he was often looking at me, one time even staring at me continuously, and even smiling at me. I also freely talked to him, smiling and trying my best to show that I was interested too.

Then, just when my insecure mind decided that maybe there is a slim chance that he liked me, I was left shocked. Suddenly, he asked me and my girlfriend for advice about some girl he met recently and liked, but she ghosted him.
Since he told us that he realized it wasn't worth it and got over her, I decided to keep communicating with him, hoping that we would at least exchange contacts in the end since we would never see each other again. But that didn't happen and we all left.

So, I welcomed the New Year with a shattered peace of mind, very confused and convinced more than ever that apparently I'm not pretty enough or even ugly once he didn't do anything more. I know how he was looking at me, it was definitely not accidental eye contact, he was staring at me repeatedly and consistently. And he began initiating conversations. Am I really that delusional and if there is any chance he really liked me? But if he had, why didn't he want anything more?

I was in a pub on Christmas Eve and a guy came up to me and said you're very pretty or something like that. I said thanks and he then flushed and walked off. So that's pretty much identical to what happened to you.

The difference is, I thought well I am looking particularly good tonight, he was obviously just too shy to ask for my number.

If you look for confirmation of how you feel, you'll see it even when it isn't really there. I could have equally thought, well maybe when he got closer he realised I wasn't that good looking.

For goodness sake. You had a friendly conversation as equals.

Not every casual social encounter with the opposite sex has to end in a date, sex, marriage proposal.

Men don't chase women down the street to tell them they look pretty just because they think they look pretty....they chase them down the street to try to chat them up because they think they look weak enough/have low enough self esteem to be flattered and respond to that.

Well men don’t come up to me routinely and tell me how marvellous I am. I’m middle aged and overweight but I’m clever and funny and I would have walked out of the party with the guys number or a date because I wouldn’t have been passive about it. All these references are about the pursuit of women by men.

This is a very strange post, have you been in a relationship before OP? Did you have a good childhood?

Wholly unfair of you to say this man left you in a mess. He didn't do anything!l wrong other than engage you and your friend in a conversation. Your own feelings about the situation are yours alone.

Awful comment about 'boring girls' as well. Focusing so much on looks is vapid, shallow and actually very very boring. You should try to think about what makes a person interesting rather than physically attractive. What are your hobbies? Interests? Music tastes? Do you like art? Movies? Sports? There is so so so much more to a person than just the way they look.

😬 you're not coming across very well here OP.

Yes, this.

You do not want men dating you just for your looks. It isn't fun.

What else have you about you apart from your looks op?

Your therapist should be trying to help you understand that it's not psychologically healthy to base your self esteem entirely on whether other people find you attractive.

I wonder if you're quite young? Honestly, concentrate on having a good time and don't give a stuff about how many men seem to find you attractive or not.

The more physically attractive a woman is, the more attention she will get from men. Anyone who tries to deny that and starts talking about beauty coming from within or inner confidence is a fool, and has never lived life on the wrong side of average.

That's not to say you will get no attention and it does have a small bonus that any man who does choose you is doing so for factors other than your appearance.

But, if you are below average in looks, you'll have to learn to live with the fact you'll never be fending off dozens of suitors at parties and so on.

As you age, it will get easier, because age is a great leveller in terms of looks. Once I got into my 40s, it mattered much less that I have nothing in the way of conventionally attractive features.

There are loads of good-looking people out there. So it’s about a lot more than the surface packaging, OP. Confidence is an attractive trait as is feeling comfortable in one’s skin. Needing validation from every single man you interact with, however isn’t.

If you are having intrusive thoughts and feelings about your appearance and it is interfering with your everyday life and preventing you from enjoying your life or making you feel depressed and anxious, talking to your GP would be a good step as there are treatments that can help you.

Oh, apologies I see you are seeing a therapist.

You are overthinking the New Year incident. How old are you as you say "boys" ?

According to you I probably offer fuck all. I'm not pretty. I'm old. Overweight. And a cripple.

It all sounds a bit desperate Mills and Boon.

Life isn’t about a handsome man dashing bravely through the traffic to sweep you off your feet and declare you are the most beautiful woman in the world.

I would stick with the therapy and try to understand why you seek such external validation and help you to move on from the dream of fantasy and romance.

OP how old are you? Just wondered as you refer to yourself as a “girl”. Try to just observe stuff, I think. You’re not doing anything wrong.

OP I think I understand the feeling you have.

i am not a pretty woman, I am attractive in some way that I cannot put my finger on but it’s not beauty. People tell me I have an aura. I have been chased down the street in the same way you mention here.

However I think what’s happening is similar to what sometimes happens to me. You have interests and deep thoughts and you seem to consider the interactions deeply and analyse them for meaning. Connection isn’t about that. It’s just going with the flow and relaxing and having a back and forth that comes naturally. People enjoy those natural rapports.

Perhaps the guy talking to you thought “oh shit she’s too clever for me, she wants a conversation and I want something else”. Or perhaps he could sense he would have to work quite hard to engage someone who is attractive AND a keen conversationalist and bottled it. I’ve often had men start to talk to me and started on a line of conversation and had them say “well I wasn’t expecting this”.

It’s not you, it’s them.

Some of your comments come across as a bit critical. Not just of yourself but of others too. This isn’t an attractive quality.
Online dating might be the go for you, if you only communicate with those that have contacted you then you already know they have seen your pictures and found you attractive (if you use non filtered photos).
There is book called ‘the Rules’ that I found helpful that I would recommend you read too.

The first thing to do to reframe your thinking is stop seeing all men as a potential date, and accept that not everyone you meet is going to fancy you or think you’re good looking. That’s just life. It doesn’t mean you’re not attractive, but people have different things they’re attracted to. I don’t think a man has ever chased me down the street to say I’m pretty (and frankly I’d think he was a creep if he did) but I think I’m good looking. I’m also funny, creative, curious and ambitious and many other qualities that are much more important than my looks.

I went on a date with an incredibly good looking person once and they were one of the dimmest and most boring people I’d ever met, and my attraction to them was killed stone dead because they had no chat. Similarly, I’ve been on dates with people I didn’t actually find attractive in person (met on an app) but had a nice time and enjoyed their company, but it wasn’t enough to make me want to see them again because the physical spark wasn’t there. Attraction is the whole package.

That’s beside the point, though. You need to stop basing your worth on whether men fancy you. Who cares? Just get on with your life and the things you enjoy, that’s a far more attractive attitude than being desperate to be asked out by any old weirdo that tries to hit on you in the street.

I’m not being funny but he clearly is interested in someone else that he met before you? He spent the night asking what he should do about another girl. So the issue isn’t you… he already had a thing for someone else. That’s a him problem, why are you making it all about you and your looks? Not every man is going to want to drop their current crush to date you, regardless of your looks.

Have you considered asking for their number, or offering yours without being asked? You don't have to wait for them to ask, it's 2023.

I can relate for this and it's all about self esteem and the messages we are fed growing up and we then feed ourselves about our worth in the world. The competition from other women doesn't help.

That message is that we are worth something when we are esteemed by men and a man likes us, even better picks us. Being married is the ultimate prize with a ring and a Mrs title.

The Second Sex (classic) and Women Don't Owe You Pretty are good reading on this, but there is a lot.

Manipulative men know this too. And behave accordingly by being abusive (and that feeds their self esteem) .

You need to love yourself first. You would benefit from therapy to help you do this. But start keeping a journal about your worth. Add to it every day.

You be your flag waver. You be in your corner and you have your back about your worth. Not some random guy at a party.

I think that the looks he gave you were genuine and that he did think you are attractive. There could be many reasons why he doesn't pursue you:

1. too closely linked and it could be awkward
2. He knows someone else likes you
3. He isn't over someone and doesn't want to start something and it gets messy
4. He feels too self conscious to approach at a party
5. He isn't sure you find him attractive. You'd be surprised how clueless and insecure many guys are even if they seem handsome, confident and tall
6. He might have heard you have your eyes on someone else
7. He might have plans to move away or wants to focus on his work/studies/future plans

Finding you attractive, finding the balls to ask you out and then wanting to marry you are all different. Guys walking around can see loads of attractive women that they fancy but they don't approach them all. What pushes the envelope isn't your looks, I can guarantee that because I know many couples were the woman is less physically attractive but she initiated and he fell for her personality and confidence.

Another thing to consider is if there is an ethnicity, cultural differences or religious factor he might be put off asking you out.

Looking at it literally, he thinks you're attractive hence the stares but his heart is with the one he ghosted him. He likes the ones that are unavailable, you were available but his mind was occupied by the one who rejected him. He doesn't want the one right there in front of him who fancies him, he likes the push and pull. People with messed up attachments can be like this.
Literally, he came and spoke to you for advice about that girl. This is a soft rejection. He is letting you know, my mind is with that girl, I'm heartbroken and occupied by her. Right now she is at the centre of his mind even if he think you're cute and no doubt what's her name in the street when he passes her by he will think oh she's tasty but ultimately, his mind is set on the one who rejected him. Maybe when he is over her he might contact you but right now he isn't over the one girl.

Men like to eye up attractive women even when they have zero intention of follow up it's like window shopping or a sport for them.
Ever wandered around shops looking at things and not buying? No, women aren't objects but men like to fantasise and looking at attractive people is like looking at attractive scenery it's fascinating.

The guys who buy and not window shop do so when they have a need and enough money to meet the requirements (standards) and see something that meets their standards and needs. It could be you only notice flirting from guys who are far too good looking or unavailable but you pay no attention to the average guy in the corner salivating over you.