Does it ever stop hurting?

[dalek]

I used to be Uhuru - don't know if anyone remembers me but basically about 2 and half years ago I found out that my H had been having an emotional affair with somebody at work - on the surface we seem to have moved forward but I can honestly put my hand on my heart and say that since the day I found out that I have thought about it with sadness and hurt every single day - some days better than others but at the moment I am feeling really low about it and remember how he treated me at the time it was going on before I found out - how he still defended her after I found out. He still maintains that nothing physical ever happened (and to be honest if it had I would have left him and he knows that) and doesn't undestand why I feel like this now and asks "where has this come from?"

I am so angry and hurt still. He doesn't understand why I am nervous of his female friendships at work - tells me I have nothing to worry about. To be honest I feel at the moment that I have only stayed for my dd(7) as a divorce would devastate her - and I don't think it's what I want. In fact I don't know what I want and am a bit scared of making a decision that I cannot go back and change.

Another thing is that we always wanted a second child and had made an appointment to see the gynaecologist who had helped me conceive the first time. I found out about the affair on the Sunday and our appointment was the following friday - I cancelled the appointment as I certainly didn't want to bring another child in to the equation but I am also mourning my unborn second child - sorry if that sounds too emotional but I don't know how else to put it.

I think that basically I don't trust him not to do this again but I feel that by my current behaviour I might be pushing him to do it so then I can say that's it I'm off - but not sure if that is what I want either.

Sorry for the ramble - just needed to offload.

i think you need some outside support maybe relate , i understand but i have been going thru something completely different it is trust thou ,would he go along with getting support with you hugs x

Jolly4 - thanks for your reply - we've already done relate - I insisted on it at the time - do you think maybe we need to go back again?

Sometimes, Relate doesn't cut it. We tried it, and it was so so; didn't really probe very deep.

Would your husband work through a book with you? Apparently, "The New Couple" (by Seana McGee and someone, I think) is very good - not only will it help you both build a stronger relationship, it'll actually help you decide if there's enough chemistry there in the first place; help you decide what you want.

Another book is "Infidelity: A Survival Guide". You can read this on your own or together. A glitch like this can, unbelieveably, make a relationship stronger - but you both have to want it, and you need outside help to work through the issues it raises ... counsellor, book(s), retreat, workshop, etc.

Good luck, dalek. HTH.

Hi Dalek, Your story has made me feel very sad as only 3 months ago I found out that my dh was having an emotional & sexual affair with someone from work and I was hoping the hurt and trust situation would get better eventually but I am slowly beginning to realise that, if it does get better, it will be a long way off! I completely and utterly trusted dh and still cant believe what he did. I am also having a very low and sad day today. We went to relate but there was a 10 week wait so we found a private councillor and she has been fantastic, really making him face up to what he has done. We both want to make our relationship work but dh says he has emotionally shut down and he isn't even sure if he loves me. That is what makes me incredibly low at times. I hope that your situation improves - If it helps, I found a really good book juat about work/friend affairs called "NOT just friends" which helps to point out where the boundaries should lie in a working relationship and when the alarm bells should be ringing!! Hope that help - Big Hugs

Oh juliepooley didn't want to make anyone feel sad. Your counsellor sounds fantastic so hopefully your process of healing will be much faster.

EBAB - relate was ok but with hindsight I think we needed more sessions. Also relate were keen not to apportion blame but I think I need H to take responsibility for his actions.

Will look for the books on amazon.

All the best x

dalek (I do remeber you as your old name)

4 years on from learning of my dh full on emotional/physical affair with a work colleague and there still isn't a day goes by where i don't think of it at some time in the day.

Time is a huge healer and it certainly takes just that ...time...the difference now is i can often push it away and my days of despair- where i dread the fact i'll still feel like this when we're 80!-are less and less.

I recall at about 2/3 years getting stuck!I'd got so used to the feelings of sadness and hurt I'd forgotten how to think otherwise. Everything in my day had some connecrtion or significance that lead me down the road to thibking about what happened with pain and saddness.

I went back to a counsellor for a "top up" few sessions and i tried a bit of raiki/visualisation techniques with her to help me let go of the pain.It moved me on a little bit futher and it helped me start focusing nore on the now not the past and on where we are going not where we'd been.

I also learned i have to share the pain with my dh- no matter how he sees it he has to accept how I am feeling and we talk it out and step by step we get closer and stronger.

The problem is you cannot undo knowledge, it will always be there. did you ever come to an understanding of how/ what happened (not an excuse) but you do I feel have to try to make some sense of what happened so you can burry the demonds and move on. If there are still aspects fo what happened that you have not made some sort of peace with then you will remain stuck.

I do remember the despair and feeling was it worth going on feeling like this- that feeling that he's spoiled it, tainted it, it will always be there. But it is possible very slowly to move on and you can get closer and stronger together. You have to share this and it's ok to get a kick start with some emotional help!

Thanks maturer - how are you getting on? I remember you kind and wise words from before - it's reassuring that I'm not going mad. Thank you for your kindness.

dalek, thanks for asking- I'm doing well.

I actually feel more normal than not these days and don't regret for a moment fighting for us- despite the painful process.
We are closer now than ever before but I think what has helped that is how my dh has acted since he "came to his senses"
I say it like that becuase it really took the best part of a year to gethim "back" - for him to see what was really happening. I knew we'd turned the corner when he put himself in counselling and then started talking to me about what he'd done and how he'd got there. He does accept responsibility for what he did to us and regrets so much now that awful year and how it still hurts me.

For him he'd love never to talk about it again- as he says it reminds him of what a coplete idiot he was and how selfish he was. However he knows i still need to talk every now and then , to revisit then move on a little bit more.

The best thing now is that I feel we are dealing with this together and are able to be totally honest about our feelings no matter how painful it is to the other- i think you have to get it ALL out in the open before you can process it, make some semse of it, then move forwatd.

Only you know if what youhave /had is worth this hard fight but I would say if you feel it is stick with it- talk talk talk and don't be affraid to get some more help-it's a strength not a weakness;after all you are still on a huge rollercoaster of emotions and need some one outside of the situation to just nudge you on a bit futher.

Good luck- you are not mad you are a caring, emotional person who is trying hard to get over a huge trauma in your life-be kind to yourself- you deserve it!

I too have just got 'stuck' and i am seeking some more counselling for myself. How did the rekei work for you maturer? AS that is one of the thinks i have booked for.

I do believe that my h has changed now and he too understands my need to sometimes talk about it. And he too also would rather not ever have to think about it - as it says it makes him feel so very bad for all the hurt he caused us all.

I think some of what i feel is because i feel i was too 'weak' to kick him out and i too sometimes think of what i would do if he did it again. (i almost wish i could prove to myself that i would not tolerate that again).

I know this is not the easy path and so i should be proud of myself but i still feel i was so used and i should have been worth so much more than that. Hope that makes sense.

We still see a counsellor from time to time to make sure we are on the right path and as life is so hectic it is nice to take the time to re-connect.

Hope you are feeling better soon.

Maturer - we made contact recently on an Infidelity thread that I started not long after I found out about my dh's affair. As you are further down the road than me your story is of great interest to me. Can I ask about something you mentioned above? You say it took a year to get your dh back. I currently feel that I am grieving for my dh. The friend and lover that I thought I had has disappeared and has now been replaced by someone else. He says he feels incredibly guilty for the pain he has caused and he wants us to work but he is distant and unemotional and hard to read. When I ask if he loves me, he says he thinks so but he also thinks he has emotionally shut down and he fears that he will not "feel" anything again. Does this sound familiar? Hope things are going well with you.

hi, wise words as ever maturer. Interesting to see you're also going back for top ups hw. I'm coming close to the 1st anniversary of finding out. It's on my mind all the time atm, I guess for that reason. Next week is our 10th wedding anniversary. I'm glad we won't be together for it, as I'm not looking forward to it at all. AT the moment it just feels like a sham, and that it's all been spoilt. I don't look at the 10 years with the happiness pleasure or - pride? - that I would've/should be able to. I don't know how to behave.

DOn't know if I could face more counseling. I fear it would just make me feel angrier?

Dalek, I know exactly how you're feeling, well, not about the baby part, I took a chance and am pg with my always wished for other dc. I know it's a risk, but for me, I felt it was worth the risk. I understand about pushing him away. it's so hard isn't it.

DO you think you'll go for the 2nd dc? How does your dh feel about this?

Ernest - I think the chance to have a second dc has passed. Something has actually died in me and sometimes I feel like I would like another child but not with him - although I want to be with him - does that make sense? I feel that I don't trust him to put family first anymore. I think H would go for it if I said I wanted it.

On another thread somebody said they love their H a little bit less - so do I and I respect him less.

Very strange similarity to you ernest - I too found out in the year of our 10th wedding anniversary and found it incredibly difficult to look back on the years with affection or pride.

I find it very interesting that peple are having top up counselling - the pain is like a volcano isn't it - it can be dormant and manageable one minute and then without warning bubble to the surface.

Thanks to everyone who has posted - it's so horrible and I never imagined that I would ever be in this situation and I'm sure none of you did either - but it's so lovely to have your support.

Dalek - I agree that it makes you love them a bit less. They are not the person that you thought they were so it alters everything. As for our history together, I feel that what he has done has tainted everything, even the births of our dc's seems touched now by what happened even though they were born well before the affair. We have been married 14 yrs.

Hi Dalek - I've just written my own post which sounds v similar to your's (and others who've responded) - an 'emotional affair' is how I describe mine too.

Just wanted to say that reading these posts has been really helpful - and so much of what you've all said rings true:

I feel he's tainted the sanctity of our relationship / it'll never be the same again

He doesn't like talking about it because he now feels embarrassed and stupid.

And yes, TBH Relate have pssed me off because they refuse to let you aportion blame - and frankly I think sometimes you need to acknowledge that something is someone's fault - people's actions need to be accountable, surely? I've felt at times as though Relate are so busy trying to get me to understand how he fely at the time that my feelings in the here and now* are ignored. And the counselling doesn't seem to go 'deep' enough, if that makes sense? That said, I know that it really works for some people and I have had some good moments in sessions.

Anyway - nice to know I'm not alone. Sorry to hijack this post. x

god we have all been going thru and still going thru it , my dp who has been living at his mums since november rang today too say relate has contacted him so hopefully because we have seen them before they will give us priority , them books look good , but i must say my dp wants us to stillee one another but live separatly , i see this as have his cake and eat it , best of both worlds , but stay at different houses alternate weekends and have free weekends we
re one or the other has the children mmmmmm dont know what to think , has anybody in all this had casual sex with anybody else just for fun !!!

hello all,
sorry that we have all have had to share this experience but it is good to talk about it. i remeberwhen it happened my friends were great but there came a point i couldn't off load on them any more and they couldn't imagine how i was feeling.
awe all have different stories but there are common threads andemotions so i'ts right we lean on one another.
earnest-hi it's been a while, i remeber the very raw days and it was good to talk then.

It will be our 20th wedding anniversary this year- we met very young- so when the affair happened we'd been together 20 years and married 16 of them one of the hardest things was to think how he could just shut out all that history together after only knowing this woman a few months.

I hear what's been said about relate- for us we did seperate counselling- we found it was better that way we could clarify our own thoughts, let th emotions out safely the talk about it together later. It took my dh a while to"get" counselling but eventually he was able to try and understand why he'd done what he done and to "start forgiving himself"- i think that is part of the problem when they do face reality they don't like what they see in themselves and don't want to talk about it. he realised in counselling that he had to talk to try to help me see what he was seeing at the time.

I tried the reiki when i was stuck- a bit sceptical - but it did make me feel better- don't know if it was just doing something to move me on or the content of what we did. It was lots of inner visualisation stuff about your pain and how to let it go.i do think you get stuck in the same emotions and it becomes so long sonce you felt otherwise you get lost in how to feel different.

It helped me try and look to now and forwards rather than dwelling so much on then! There are still days when i'm stuck in those painful emotions and yes anniversaries and significant dates are the worst but ib honest each one that passes is a bit less painful than the last. i even can now sometimes feel "BORED" with those past feeling and push them away...time slowly very slowly does heal.

Can I pls ask if anyone in the very early stages of finding out has hit their partner? I'm not ordinarily a violent or volatile person but in those first few weeks, the anger was so all-consuming that I hit him around the face a good few times / threw toys / pushed him etc. I'm not that big so it hardly made a (physical) difference - but it's still wrong I know - and boy, does he remind me.

I haven't done it since by the way!

Hi all ,

Im a survivort of my dh's affair. It is a devastating feeling and i will never forget those feelings.

But i wanted to tell you you can come through it.And it does get easier. We never had any counselling but we did row alot. And he let me scream and shout and he answered all my questions. And id ask randomly and sometime in the middle of a conversation about something completely different.

Dh actually works away all week now has been for last month. Affair was 3 years ago. And i honestly dont worry about him cheating again. I know his learned his lesson.

It helped me to talk to friends. To either get on the phone and chat and cry or to even come on mn.

I will say though i have never worn my wedding ring again. I wearmy engagement ring but not my wedding ring. And i never will. He tarnished that and that i cant let go of. We have spoken about getting our vows renewed and having new rings blessed. And i want to some day i just dont feel the need to do it immediately.

Keep talking thats my advice x

Happy woman, it doesn't hurt any less if you kick them out instead of working through it. I couldn't forgive it. Kicked him straight out, and four years and a new boyfriend later, the pain is still unbearable sometimes. Not often, these days, but sometimes. It is an enormous thing to recover from, whether you stay together or split, isn't it?

D74 - I didn't actually hit dh but came very close, especially when he told me that the bitch was actually living in his company flat in Hungary - If she had been there I might not have held back though!!

maturer - 20 years - wow. How do you feel about the anniversary? Can you just act as 'normal'?

It is a huge thing to recover from whether you stay or leave. This has shaken me up somewhat as everything i had believed in is no longer true. I have given my h another chance and that is not just for me but for the children, and although i do not think you can stay for or because of children, i have to take them into consideration at all times.

I am not sure i would find anyone better at the moment for us as a family and for me either tbh. But that is just it now, for the moment - i am scared to look too far into the future again as i know it could all change in an instant.

Having said that it is not such a bad thing either, i have learned a lot about myself over this last year which i will always be grateful for. And actually in a lot of ways our relationship is better so i cannot complain.

This is not what i had planned for my life but i will do the best with what fate has dealt me and have a good life anyway. I am not happy wearing my old wedding ring and h did have a new one made which is great - i am not thinking we both need new ones which i would like to wear on my right hand (as this it the right relationship now).

My passion now as you may have gathered from this and other posts is to try and make anyone who thinks they may embark on an affair to think before they do. I am also hoping that by being as open as possible it is not such a taboo subject as i think it just adds to the excitement. And i hope my children have learned a lot about respect too.

Morning Dalek
I have been lurking on this thread as iam in a similar situation.

I found out about my dhs emotional affair in april last year, and the day i found it, he left the family home. He did return about 2 weeks later though.

I still feel shattered about what happened, and cannot seem to move on. I dont have any trust, and although he understands and is doing his best, i feel like it will never be the same again.

I thought i was going mad, until i read this thread, and realised that these things take time.
Annie

hi all, not been able to get on for a few days.
earnest- yes 20 years in May!!I know it will carry some saddness with it but I have started feeling normal again about situations that bring the affair to mind.The pain is still there but I can also now see how much we've both grown as people as a result of going through this together and we both feel that perhaps in the long term our relationship has got better.The fact that we nearly lost it all (his choices were choices that nearly threw us all away!)that we got to the brink of that "hole" and looked in at what life was ;ike apart and as single parents after so long together- it makes us both appreciate how you cant take things/each other for granted.
My dh certainly has ended up more thankful and closer to me and a better father for knowing he nearly ruined it all.

I was at a wedding this weekend. I found the vows upsetting (but at a wedding you can have a little cry and know one really bothers)I juat kept thinking all that love, all that hope and expectation and how it can so easily be lost when 1 or both of you looses sight of what's really important.
The minister tols a tale with the message- share your thoughts and dreams- don't expect the other person to read your mind, about the good and bad things, don't take them for granted.....I kept thinking "if only he'd told me things were not right with him, if only he'd trustede with his doubts and worries- I'd have listened, I've have made changes for us"

We have made changes now- we make sure we make time for each other and recognise the danger when times get really busy and life gets in the way- as it does often!

So I look forward to our 20 yaers anniversary with some saddness but also a sense of achievement that we have surrvived all this and have got closer through it. In the modern pace of life i think 20 years and happy together is an achievement!

I read an article the other day about marriage vows which made the point that when "til death do us part etc" was incorporated into the marriage vows -that in reality meant until we both reach our 40's if we are lucky!for in those days you were doing well to reach that age-look at how many of us these days reach around 40 and doubt, have that mid-life crisis, question our situation and make the wrong choices!

Something to think about- "is til death us do part- too unrealistic a prospect in our modern society?"

Hi Dalek, how are you feeling today? I recently found out my husband had slept with a collegue from work when i was 6 months pregnant. Not a day goes by that i dont think about it. I feel partic low today, hearing people talk about how perfect their relationship is, knowing the past year, most of mine has been a lie.