I used to be Uhuru - don't know if anyone remembers me but basically about 2 and half years ago I found out that my H had been having an emotional affair with somebody at work - on the surface we seem to have moved forward but I can honestly put my hand on my heart and say that since the day I found out that I have thought about it with sadness and hurt every single day - some days better than others but at the moment I am feeling really low about it and remember how he treated me at the time it was going on before I found out - how he still defended her after I found out. He still maintains that nothing physical ever happened (and to be honest if it had I would have left him and he knows that) and doesn't undestand why I feel like this now and asks "where has this come from?"
I am so angry and hurt still. He doesn't understand why I am nervous of his female friendships at work - tells me I have nothing to worry about. To be honest I feel at the moment that I have only stayed for my dd(7) as a divorce would devastate her - and I don't think it's what I want. In fact I don't know what I want and am a bit scared of making a decision that I cannot go back and change.
Another thing is that we always wanted a second child and had made an appointment to see the gynaecologist who had helped me conceive the first time. I found out about the affair on the Sunday and our appointment was the following friday - I cancelled the appointment as I certainly didn't want to bring another child in to the equation but I am also mourning my unborn second child - sorry if that sounds too emotional but I don't know how else to put it.
I think that basically I don't trust him not to do this again but I feel that by my current behaviour I might be pushing him to do it so then I can say that's it I'm off - but not sure if that is what I want either.
Sorry for the ramble - just needed to offload.