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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you give it another go or not?

33 replies

Rivernight · 04/01/2023 17:46

I was dating a guy for 5 months, got on great, lots of chemistry and all the rest of it. Then came valentines day 2022 and not so much of a message from him. I felt a bit shit, more so because I felt as though I was putting more effort in than him beforehand anyway so I thought he might send flowers or at least a nice message but no nothing, radio silence.

I stopped seeing him after this and he must have known the reason why. Anyway we have been in contact sparsely since and he wants us reconnect and I would like to but I am not sure if would be wise or if I trust him with my feeling I suppose. It did hurt me I've got to be honest but maybe I'm making it into a bigger deal than it was/is. Would this bother you or would you give it another chance. It was also a little embarrassing seeing everyone's flowers etc and then being asked what I got 🙃.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2023 17:47

Nope. He's after an easy shag.

XmasElf10 · 04/01/2023 17:47

Nope, he sounds a bit shit. I want excellent not “could be worse!”

Coffeellama · 04/01/2023 17:49

Little things like valentines matter to you… and either they don’t to him, or you don’t to him. Either way you aren’t compatible.

KinkyMom · 04/01/2023 17:49

Don’t do it. He’s just asking you because no one else is available.

MintJulia · 04/01/2023 17:49

Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2023 17:47

Nope. He's after an easy shag.

This. He'll disappear again when something he wants more comes along.

Shoxfordian · 04/01/2023 17:53

Thank you, next

You can do better

CocoFifi · 04/01/2023 17:53

how did he treat you the rest of the time, rather than Valentine’s Day? That would be what I would make the judgment on, not one day of that year, that is nothing, but commercial. I certainly don’t buy into the hype of Valentine’s Day and maybe he doesn’t

Original poster

Rivernight · 04/01/2023 18:02

Thank you all. He was OK prior to Valentines but could have been better at times also. He has gotten me flowers in the past (so he can be thoughtful) but Valentines Day upset me and I felt it was a bit cruel tbh.

I was thinking about giving it another chance to see if he improves as I know he knows the reason I stopped seeing him therefore he knows he would have to step up for us to continue and conveniently Valentines Day is coming up. At least I would know I gave it another try.

OP posts:

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 04/01/2023 18:04

You're probably just not compatible. Though I wouldn't judge someone on what they do or don't do on a day when they're being told to "prove their love". I'd be more interested in what they were like generally. If someone stopped seeing me because I'd not bothered about Valentines Day, I'd think I'd dodged a bullet.

Coffeellama · 04/01/2023 19:36

Trying to ‘improve’ someone you aren’t even with shows it’s probably not going to work out OP.

Original poster

Rivernight · 04/01/2023 19:40

@Coffeellama it is probably not, I do not have high hopes on it working out but at least I will know I gave him another chance. I have nothing to lose.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 04/01/2023 20:01

I have nothing to lose

If it means so little to you that losing it would be nothing, why aren't you walking away now? If it's nothing, you might as well walk away now, hadn't you?

What about time? You'd lose time, where you could be looking for someone who'd blow your socks off.

Christmaspyjamas · 04/01/2023 20:10

Just be aware his interpretation of past events, how to handle disappointment, your compatability etc may be very different from yours.

Reconciliations work best when both parties have been able to reflect, grow, take responsibility for their own needs and approach each other with generosity and a new sense of purpose.

This doesn't sound like where you're at.

Original poster

Rivernight · 04/01/2023 20:23

@Christmaspyjamas I suppose neither of us will know unless we get together, talk, have sex and then see where we're at.

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 04/01/2023 20:26

What did you send him for Valentine's?

LilDog · 04/01/2023 20:27

Did you tell him you celebrate V day? Because some people don't and they make a point of not doing anything romantic on that day even if they would get flowers or eat out they don't out so they don't look like one of those cliches. If you told him, then he doesn't care about you. If you thought he would guess and do it and he hasn't, then you aren't compatible. However, you need to tell him that V day is important to you otherwise it will be the same.
If I read it your op correctly you think he knows why you left him but you haven't actually said why? I think you need to be explicit in telling him directly why you were hurt otherwise in two months it will be the same.

Christmaspyjamas · 04/01/2023 20:28

You're right that refusing to talk can only have one outcome. So in that sense and if you don't feel he's capable of hurting you too much in that first meeting then it makes sense to explore it.

LilDog · 04/01/2023 20:29

You obviously have things to lose. He hurt you before. He could be wasting your time and energy? You seem to follow his lead and expect him to just know what you want. It's rare that couples understand each other so well without speaking up. You need to be direct with this man and set the expectations on the table. If you want a man who just gets you without spelling it out, then this man ain't it.

stealthninjamum · 04/01/2023 20:30

Are you saying he ghosted you over Valentine’s Day but has since thrown a few crumbs? Did he ever say what happened and apologise?

I’m sitting here with my mouth open wondering why you’d even consider giving it a second go.

MissConductUS · 04/01/2023 20:30

Rivernight · 04/01/2023 20:23

@Christmaspyjamas I suppose neither of us will know unless we get together, talk, have sex and then see where we're at.

Fair enough, as long as you're going into it with reasonable expectations.

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 04/01/2023 20:33

I'd only give it another go expecting it to be exactly the same as it was. It depends on whether you want to date someone who is too stink to buy you flowers.

Sunnytwobridges · 04/01/2023 20:34

He was only "ok" before. He won't get any better. He will continue to disappoint you. If he was great before and just not into V-day/holidays, then maybe give it another go but he seems lukewarm so I wouldn't give him another chance.

Watchkeys · 04/01/2023 20:38

Rivernight · 04/01/2023 20:23

@Christmaspyjamas I suppose neither of us will know unless we get together, talk, have sex and then see where we're at.

What do you think he'd say if you told him you wanted to meet in a coffee shop to talk about 'us', and you only had an hour so you wouldn't be able to do anything but talk?

Original poster

Rivernight · 04/01/2023 20:40

@Watchkeys I think at the moment he would bite my hand off with whatever I suggest.

OP posts:

Puppers · 04/01/2023 20:42

I wouldn't bother. Not because of Valentine's Day though. We've never celebrated it and it just isn't on either of our radars whatsoever. Never given it a thought. So unless you specifically discussed it and he knew it was important to you for whatever reason, I don't think it's fair to expect him to make a big deal of it. He's a grown man, not a 14 year old.

The reason I wouldn't bother is that it sounds like he (both of you, actually) just let it fizzle out without any effort to move past what was a very minor thing. It doesn't sound like either of you valued the relationship particularly highly. He most probably just wants a shag and thinks it'll be easy as pie because he already put the legwork in a year ago and can just pick up where he left off. That's fine if you also just want a shag, but not if you're looking for a relationship that's actually going somewhere.

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