Wife puts selfish lying son before me

[Dad48]

Hi all. Need some advice. I am a dad of 4 and have been married to my wife for 18 years. My eldest son is actually my wife’s from a previous relationship but I have brought him up since he was almost 2. He has been a handful since his early teens and has since left home ( he is 20 now). Ever since he was 13 he has done everything in his power to make life difficult for us he even ended up being expelled from school. The amount of times I have found my wife in tears, I have actually lost count. Anyway his adult life isn’t any better, his grandparents took him in and has even started disrespecting them. This all sounds superficial but I can’t really list all the things he has done. When his mum tries to call him he just ignores her and won’t get in contact unless he wants something. For the sake of my younger kids, I have told him he is not welcome whilst he still has this selfish I don’t give a damn about anybody attitude. The problem I’m having now is my wife and I are falling out because she wants him to come round like nothing has happened and I’m objecting. She commonly says “ if I want my son round here then he can come” makes me feel like I’m a new boyfriend who hasn’t been through all the shit and heartache with her. I’m not trying to make her choose but I feel hurt that my feelings are not being taken into consideration. After all the hurt and upsetment he has caused the family I really don’t want to see him. Am I being in reasonable to ask her to meet him somewhere else or should I leave my home when he comes. I feel so unappreciated and it hurts that I’m now a second to this selfish adult son of ours?

This sounds hard but I don’t think you can stop a parent seeing their child.. I think she won’t do what you want and it is her free choice. Would you feel the same if he was your bio child? I think you are playing a risky game asking your wife to question
her relationship with her son.

What a difficult situation for you all. So stressful. Reality is that you're both correct in your approach. You wanting a safe space for the rest of the family and boundaries, her wanting to keep contact and a relationship.

Leaving your house when he visits isn't a good compromise as it sends the wrong message. However, are there times you regularly aren't there (for work, maybe) when she is and he could visit then?

You all badly need some calm and respite.

I think its reasonable to ask her to meet him outside the family home. You have three other children to protect and they should be your priority (and hers).

I'd agree that it's reasonable that she meet him outwith the family home. It's your house too. You don't get a say in who she meets but you do get a say on who she meets under your own roof.

How to his siblings feel? Do they want him around them?

It depends what he's actually done.

As a parent every day is a fresh day and a new start. He’s still young with a developing brain and deserves chances and forgiveness. Presently you hold quite a long list of deeds against him. However behaviour is just symptomatic of what’s going on inside his mind and people do change. It sounds like he needs counselling and good male role models. When young people are at their worst and lowest, that is when they need the most love and to feel emotionally held. It’s good to put in boundaries and expectations with warmth and fairness. Meeting someone half way helps build bridges. There are only a few reasons why I wouldn’t have my son back to visit .. if he was on the sex offenders register and therefor a risk to younger children or he was likely to be violent whilst visiting.

It depends what he’s actually done.

From your post it could be that he’s horrific and your wife is unfair, but equally it’s vague enough it could be normal teenage stuff and you’re being way OTT

I don’t see how rejecting him will help the relationship. I also want to know what he did as a child and how you handled it.

It’s pretty typical for teens to misbehave, they still need to know they are loved unconditionally.

Hi Op
I get understand your wife's son Surley attitude is really annoying as heck,
Realistically you know yourself you are being unreasonable to expect to go along with your wishes to keep the peace by her going no contact with her flesh/blood Adult Son, under these circumstances,

I think going forwards,it better for your wife and her son, to see each other when you are either not around or and have set boundaries in place, how son conducts himself whilst in family home space,

I think your wife and her son could get into habit of meeting each other outside in a cafe/restaurant even just for cuppa and catch up, or in town in a shops,leisure centre ect,
even in Park, or beach if you live near coastal line at all,

Also if you or her struggle with setting boundaries in place dealing with her son difficult trying behaviour,

I think it may be beneficial to look on Internet youtubes mumsnet parent board ect for advice on how to put boundaries in place too.

What about your wife's sons father is he around?
Is he, any good influence in any way at all?
How does he find him (dealing with him too?
what his relationship like his bio father then?

If the issue was with one of your 3 joint children would you take a differing stance? Mum's & Dad's often don't see things from the same point of view even when they are both the biological parents - Mum's are usually the last to throw in the towel where their children are concerned - it's just built into most of us so try to be understanding, DW is probably very conflicted between heart and head.

Hi Op
Sorry to say this, but to them your wife and Adult your attitude could come across as being unreasonable, Controlling,

If it was the other way around?
Would you like or accept putting Conditions on your relationship with any of your bio children like that, If they were grown up and acting a bit/passing her off a bit/somewhat then?

The only circumstances I think your attitude currently ,would seem be reasonable,
would be if wife's son was a "wrong un " such as if he was in and out Prison bringing trouble /or kinds of problems trouble/strife to your 🏠 house
Or
Just bringing allmost Constant or pattern history of unwanted toxic dramas chaos /toxic atmosphere /histrionics
Basically if your wife's son was essentially acting like a Shit/Arsehole type of thing.

You seem to have taken your step son's behaviour personally to a degree that is not healthy.

You need to start thinking of the teenage behaviour of this son of your wife's as that of a child who possibly had problems, not an adversary hell bent on destroying your family.

You're making your wife choose - him or you.

Word of warning - you won't win this situation regardless of who she chooses. What makes you think this could possibly end well?

It's time to climb out of the trench you have decided to occupy and apologise for the distress you have caused your wife.

Oops sorry typo misspelt
I ment to say at start of previous thread reply to you Op,
Sorry Op Your current attitude to your wife and her Adult son could probably comes across as being unreasonable Controlling even ,as putting down condition of your wife going no contact with her Adult son until he behaves himself,

I do think her Adult son needs to know when he comes to the family home ,he has to be, act in a way that is expected of him to behave in a reasonable way, even for sake of appearances to create/keep some sense of family harmony,
Obviously it's a two way thing on both sides you and him too.

You may never be best of buddies, but you never know, in future when he matures and life knocks his cocky sure attitude out of him/or somewhat, you both could develop unexpectedly a better relationship,understanding of each other,
Only time will tell.

Not knowing what he has done makes it very difficult to be sure, but I cannot see me ever being ok with anyone banning my child from my home unless it was dire. If it was about attitude, I would expect you to change yours too. You are a parent, he is your child. What happened unconditional positive regard? I would put the needs of my child first.

I'm assuming (in an absence of anything to the contrary having been stated) his behaviour/s haven't caused any physical harm and/or psychological distress to the younger children?

That being the case, I'd say you need to pull on your big boy pants and continue to welcome him into your home.

If his behaviour/s are causing upset/distress to the younger children, then your wife needs to meet him outwith your home until his behaviour/s improve i.e. you both need to prioritise the children who are not behaving disrespectfully.

Doesn't sound like she puts him ahead of you if he's ended up living with his grandparents.

Surely you could try to accommodate visits and stop trying to make it a choice between blood and you. It puts her in a horrendous position and it's cruel.

He's already out of the family nest, why do you want to force further estrangement?

You can try saying I don’t love your behaviour, but I love you regardless.
be smiley and welcoming then wander off to do whatever.
if he smashes stuff, you can say,’ I’d rather you hadn’t done that. But I still love you ‘
my mum did this to me and after a while there’s no point being rebellious!

I don't think you get to decide he can't come round, no.

You think your wife should hold him in the same low regard you do...but he's not your son. Might as well ask for the moon on a stick.

It sounds like your solution is just to be a bigger bully than him.

You can't overrule your wife on this unless he's a danger to the children.

Agree with this.

My eldest lad is 21. He's really nice and doing well. He ignores my phone calls when he cba with his mother. Think it's par for the course.

I can see both sides, you cannot stop your wife seeing her son in her own home ( I presume he no longer lives there). At the same time your wife is ignoring your feelings about this person, you are making your wife piggy in middle and having to pick son or husband.
Personally I think you should be the bigger person, say hello to him then make yourself absent for a while.

It does depend what he did and if he’s actually a risk to anyone in your house- he might still need your guidance as a male role model so don’t dismiss him so quickly

I think children will often quite naturally be a higher priority than a spouse. Your son will already feel like an outsider to the family, given you are not his biological dad. Don't alienate him further.

Your wife and your other DC have close ties to him, you will end up alienated if you cast him out. He is their family.

If he’s with his grandparents she hasn’t put him above you. Never ask someone to choose between their child and their spouse. The child will - quite rightly- always come first. I think it depends what he’s actually done? If he’s just been a gobby little shite it’s hardly worth breaking up a family over, I’d let him visit etc on the condition that he’s polite. The minute he starts being rude tell him he’ll be asked to leave. 20 is still young and he’s got a lot to learn.

I totally agree.

Would you also put these conditions on your bio children? I doubt it