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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Former best friend

35 replies

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 03/01/2023 15:14

I have posted about this before but it's starting to weigh on my mind a bit. My best friend started being horrible towards me after lockdown and in the run up to my wedding. Blaming me for lockdown, Covid etc. She sent me a voice message a few months back saying she hasn't fallen out with me but why should she be interested in my life when im not interested in things that are important to her. Whenever she sent me anti vax or Covid stuff I tried to ask her about herself or her dd or anything really. I tried watching the videos but they were crazy. Anyway she blatantly ignores me on fb but will like posts from other friends. She only posts stuff about Covid, animals or shares nail stuff from her friend who does it as a business. I think she's trying to provoke me into an argument or mauve she just hates me even though I've been nothing but a good friend to her. DH said if I unfriend her that's giving her something like attention. Wwyd?

OP posts:
Original poster
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 03/01/2023 15:15

Maybe not mauve

OP posts:
TheSunnySide · 03/01/2023 15:19

Do that thing where you limit what she can see and limit what you can see from her.
if unfriending seems too drastic then stop yourself from checking her activity.

Original poster
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 03/01/2023 15:21

I tried they a while ago and she messaged me why have you put me on limited view 😂. Also I still have the temptation to look. It's actually upsetting how she's singling me out but I think she thinks I'm soft (I'm just a decent mate)

OP posts:
Original poster
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 03/01/2023 15:21

I do have her on that now though

OP posts:
ImBlueDab · 03/01/2023 15:22

If you don't want to de friend her on sm, Luther on a break, tbh she doesn't sound like a good friend at all.

GinoVino · 03/01/2023 15:22

Well she's clearly mentally ill and needs help if she's been accusing you of causing Covid? Unfortunately that doesn't mean you have to be abused by her and if she doesn't want to help herself there's nothing you can do. You could unfriend her if her behaviour is distressing you.

Original poster
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 03/01/2023 15:25

Yeah I don't think she is in a good place and she kept attacking my anxiety when it's actually been ok. I feel guilty like I'm not being a good friend but I did try my best. She doesn't seem to understand how hurtful she has been. She was a nightmare over my wedding. But should I just forget about her. Why single me out?

OP posts:
SallyWD · 03/01/2023 15:27

My friend went a bit crazy during Covid - believing several weird conspiracy theories and was very strongly anti-vax etc. I simply told her that I didn't agree with her - I had different beliefs and that's fine. We were both adults and could agree to disagree. We agreed to avoid discussing the issues. There was no point. Neither of us would change our mind.
She was fine about it. I think she was relieved I wasn't going to argue about it. If your friend doesn't accept your difference if opinions and keeps forcing her views on to you then I don't think she's a good friend. I would back away from her.

Original poster
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 03/01/2023 15:28

I should but I don't get why she is doing it to just me

OP posts:
Original poster
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 03/01/2023 17:43

I'm glad your friend agreed to disagree. Mine did at first then she started bargaining with me (I'll tell you my opinion on your dress if you watch this hour long video then I'll never mention it again). Why do it to just me though. DH said I need to move on and I will but I wish I knew what I'd done wrong.

OP posts:
MacarenaMacarena · 04/01/2023 22:08

I'd recommend shifting your focus onto this exciting new stage in your life! Congratulations on getting married. I'd make sure that you take a step back from social media (message = I've got other things going on) and then develop some other friendships. Good luck!

DorkingHen · 04/01/2023 22:19

What would knowing the answer to the “why is she” question do for you? She is behaving in the way, you don’t like it, you haven’t found a way to stop or change it so it sounds like the options left are put up with it or disengage further. It’s a shame as I’m sure there was a reason you became friends in the first place. The only person’s behaviour you can control is your own.

Original poster
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 04/01/2023 22:22

Thanks both. Appreciate the comments. Yes I should move on and stop caring. We've been friends almost 40 years though (since we were 4) so it's like losing a sister. She obviously doesn't feel the same though and over recent years she was becoming nasty. Again I wonder why me 😔

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 04/01/2023 22:28

God, I couldn't be bothered with her at all. I would block her unfriend her or whatever it took, and she wrote to ask why I just wouldn't reply.

ZaphodDent · 04/01/2023 22:49

When someone starts obsessing with conspiracy theories it's like losing them to a cult. As her best friend she's tried to pull you into the cult and you've resisted. She perhaps now sees you as outside her world of belief.

DorkingHen · 04/01/2023 22:58

40 years is a long time but you can still value the friendship you had in past whilst also not continuing with it now.

CherrySocks · 04/01/2023 23:27

Do you think she is jealous that you got married?

YouOKHun · 05/01/2023 00:30

ZaphodDent · 04/01/2023 22:49

When someone starts obsessing with conspiracy theories it's like losing them to a cult. As her best friend she's tried to pull you into the cult and you've resisted. She perhaps now sees you as outside her world of belief.

Exactly what I was about to say @ZaphodDent. Conspiracy theory groups can really affect peoples thinking; it’s real indoctrination and, like all cults they encourage people to distance themselves from “non-believers”. So even friendly debate about Covid, vaccines etc produces irrational responses. Alternatively, she may have got depressed during Covid and displaced all her anger onto you, for no particular reason. I’ve seen quite a lot of these kind of behaviours in the last couple of years.

ultimately you’ve got to look after yourself @teaandtoastwithmarmite, stop looking at her social media, stop engaging, focus on others - create a vacuum for her behaviour. You probably haven’t done anything wrong, she’s just fallen down a rabbit hole and there’s nothing you can do except get on with your life until she comes to her senses (if she does), then you can decide if you can be bothered with her.

Yet another negative of the pandemic is it’s blown a lot of relationships and friendships apart sadly (even very old ones), either due to drift and lack of motivation, sometimes because of having vastly different experiences during that time: there’s one friend I don’t see because she likes to reminisce about how great lockdown was whereas I lost two close relatives, one in each of the lockdowns having nursed them through cancer during the lockdowns, -lus some other really bad stuff - I just can’t deal with her now! And the other thing that has ended friendships is polarised views about how the whole thing was handled/vaccines/the existence of COVID etc. The social damage and MH damage that has happened to many people is very sad.

ImBlueDab · 05/01/2023 08:05

Why do it to you? Probably because you are close and like family. Lots of people treat family differently to other people, very much like abusers wouldn't treat strangers or work colleagues like they do their partners.

They do it because they feel comfortable doing so, they can also control you to a degree and are comfortable they know how you will react, or not react as is usually the case. A stranger or another friend who they don't know well enough is likely to call them out or publicly disagree with her, but she's comfortable enough with your relationship, to rely on the fact you don't want to cause a scene or embarrass her, so she knows it's safe to treat you badly.

bobbytorq · 05/01/2023 08:12

Block and move on. She is no longer a friend.

VisaGeezer · 05/01/2023 10:58

Blaming me for lockdown, Covid etc

Are you a god??

We're honoured that you're posting on MN.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/01/2023 12:28

DH said if I unfriend her that's giving her something like attention. Wwyd?

Unfriend & block.

If she feels that is giving her attention - so what? You won't be around to witness it or suffer whatever batshittery she chooses to inflict on you next.

She is dim, shallow, & a drama hound.

So get rid, & if you encounter her again, just tell her you're no longer interested in her, her stupid opinions, or in playing her games, & walk away.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/01/2023 12:31

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 03/01/2023 15:25

Yeah I don't think she is in a good place and she kept attacking my anxiety when it's actually been ok. I feel guilty like I'm not being a good friend but I did try my best. She doesn't seem to understand how hurtful she has been. She was a nightmare over my wedding. But should I just forget about her. Why single me out?

It doesn't matter why she singled you out.
It matters that you protect yourself, block, & forget about her.

You may have known her for decades, but I bet she was a nightmare for much of the time you spent with her. Making your wedding all about her being a cse in point. You'll be happier when you can stop obsessing over her (not blaming you for that, it's human) - so block, & move on.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/01/2023 12:33

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 03/01/2023 17:43

I'm glad your friend agreed to disagree. Mine did at first then she started bargaining with me (I'll tell you my opinion on your dress if you watch this hour long video then I'll never mention it again). Why do it to just me though. DH said I need to move on and I will but I wish I knew what I'd done wrong.

You haven't done anything wrong, she just knows how to wound you, & is nasty enough to enjoy doing it.

You don't need her opinion on your dress, & genuine friendship is not transactional.

user1492757084 · 05/01/2023 12:36

Your bully of a friend is no loss.
Find a kind bunch of new friends and stop stressing over that one nasty person.

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