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Original poster

Would this bother you? Boyfriend making plans when we already had plans

34 replies

Twaooo · 03/01/2023 14:31

Would this bother you?
new boyfriend of 7 months, we see eachothers a few times a week when my children are with their dad.
a few times since we’ve been together my boyfriend has made plans with me (e.g saying “il call over tomorrow after work”or even more formal dates like “let’s go for dinner Saturday night when the kids are away”) and then maybe a day or so later will say he’s made other plans with no acknowledgment of our plans, even if they were just loosely made.
he’s away at the minute on a trip with work so I won’t have seen him for around 9 days with the way the new year fell etc . We made plans that on Thursday when he is back we will see each-other and I said I had planned us something nice to do, I have dinner booked for us in our fave place. Today he rang from his trip and mentioned Thursday night that his friend was calling round. I said I thought we were going out and he said I could be there too 🙄
any of the previous times when I’ve mentioned him doing these things he’s made out that he’s genuinely forgot. Or that the alternative plans can include me too.
am I being unreasonable to be annoyed at this? Feel like when he does this he doesn’t value my time/ effort

OP posts:
Sausagedoggy · 03/01/2023 14:33

That would bother me a lot. It sounds like you are prioritising him but for him, you are just an option.

myrtlehuckingfuge · 03/01/2023 14:40

He knows how limited your time is, has 'agreed' to do something with you and kept you hanging. I agree with the PP, your are an option only.

Wonderwoman333 · 03/01/2023 14:41

yes it would bother me, he's not being very considerate and sounds like you are not his priority

Shoxfordian · 03/01/2023 14:47

I wouldn’t carry on seeing someone who just thought of me as an option not a priority

XmasElf10 · 03/01/2023 14:49

Yes he did and now he is an ex but I put up with that shit for far far too long. Even now I am quite confident that he would still say that the event that caused us to split up was one where he "had no choice" and "had to do this other thing and not let lots of other people down". Didn't seem to be an issue to let me down though. To be fair it wasn't often but it was often enough and I should have made it a hard line the very first time. I have learned my lesson and the first time the next dude makes me fell like an option he will be given the bums rush immediately.

If you are feeling nice tell him he has hurt your feelings and if he EVER does this again for any reason apart from a medical or mechanical emergency then he is out. If you are not feeling nice just ditch him as this shit don't get better!

Original poster
Twaooo · 03/01/2023 15:03

Thank you. That’s exactly how I feel. I want to text and tel him that but not sure how to word it

OP posts:
Peacelily38 · 03/01/2023 15:07

I wouldn't put up with that, he would be an ex.

Oopsiedaisyy · 03/01/2023 15:12

I'd make your message focus on you, and not him
"I was looking forward to seeing you on Thursday, and I am disappointed you forgot our plans. I'm looking for someone wh values the time we have together, and makes me feel like i am a priority, so I'm not sure this is working for me."

SalviaOfficinalis · 03/01/2023 15:15

Sounds like he’s only wanting to see you if he doesn’t get a better offer. I’m not convinced things will improve unfortunately.

Honeyroar · 03/01/2023 15:15

He’s using you as a “if nothing better comes up”. You could perhaps forgive him forgetting once, but if he does it happily a second time then enough is enough. He’s not making enough effort, move on.

Twen · 03/01/2023 15:24

Nope this is bullshit from him. You deserve to be his priority. I'd get rid I don't think he's serious

HaggisBurger · 03/01/2023 15:27

That’s really rude and would bother me if anyone did it, let alone a boyfriend. Bare in mind you are only 7 months in too! What will he be like after 7 years.

I would have a deal breaker conversation with him. If it continues it would be the old heave ho.

HaggisBurger · 03/01/2023 15:28

I’d not text though. I think important discussions should be had face to face.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 03/01/2023 15:29

I would not be bothering with him. You should be your partner's first priority and if you are not what is the point of him?

littlebirdieblu · 03/01/2023 15:31

Oopsiedaisyy · 03/01/2023 15:12

I'd make your message focus on you, and not him
"I was looking forward to seeing you on Thursday, and I am disappointed you forgot our plans. I'm looking for someone wh values the time we have together, and makes me feel like i am a priority, so I'm not sure this is working for me."

I think this is a great message to send. It's not needy, it says it simply and shows boundaries.

Sparkletastic · 03/01/2023 15:33

I'd end it over this.

NewYearNewName2023 · 03/01/2023 15:36

Twaooo · 03/01/2023 15:03

Thank you. That’s exactly how I feel. I want to text and tel him that but not sure how to word it

'Ok, this isn't the first time you've double booked when we have already made plans, so it is becoming increasingly apparent that I am just an option here. I'm afraid that doesn't work for me so I think we should just leave things here and go our separate ways'

Original poster
Twaooo · 03/01/2023 15:51

Thank you. This has made me realise is a small
part of a bigger picture really

OP posts:
Toomanysleepycats · 03/01/2023 15:53

If you do stay together then I’d suggest you always confirm plans by text after. (So he can’t say that it didn’t happen, and getting a text makes it more difficult to say he forgot). You also need to explain that being added into an alternative arrangement doesn’t work for you.

My ex could be like this and sometimes it was because of priorities. Eg he always knew he could see me but the mate might only be around for a short time. He had a dreadful fear of FOMO plus he likes to be the yes guy to everybody. He needs everybody to think he’s the greatest bloke ever, so feels that saying no would make people think less of him.

He also thought the more the merrier and would think nothing of adding extra people to a dinner we were joint hosting without asking me or even telling me.

Its irritating to have a relationship when you have to anticipate a load of stuff that might happen because you are not the priority.

GreenManalishi · 03/01/2023 15:59

Anyone who repeatedly "genuinely forgets" you and the plans you have together, doesn't value you. Simple as that.

Decide and believe that you can do better and you're worth much more and then if he asks, tell him you're not feeling it anymore. No need to explain yourself, or go into why it's over. If it's over for you that's enough.

honeyrider · 03/01/2023 17:08

Sparkletastic · 03/01/2023 15:33

I'd end it over this.

I'd end it too.

If you waste your time having a discussion about it he may improve for a while but fall back into keeping you as a standby if another better offer doesn't come along seeing as it's an ongoing thing.

It's not a good sign that you've only been seeing him for seven months and this has been going on for a while.

Natty13 · 03/01/2023 17:25

Twaooo · 03/01/2023 15:03

Thank you. That’s exactly how I feel. I want to text and tel him that but not sure how to word it

In my experience talking doesn't change things like this. People who behave as if you're just an option to them aren't going to respond to rational conversations about how it affects you and your feelings.

He can cancel on you when he has a better offer because he knows you a) will forgive him and jump at the chance to reschedule (so no consequence) and b) that you will be available for him because you prioritise seeing him over other things (like hobbies or seeing other friends) so you need to fix that to gave any chance of change. Next time he wants to see you have plans with a friend, be going to a new hobby or something that makes you happy outside your relationship. Casually point out you have a busy life and if he wants to see you he needs to stick to plans.

I do 2 different sports, a crafty hobby I do outside the house, a social life and a full time job. If someone cancels plans because they decided to take a better offer its not likely I'll be free again any time soon, not being petty or petulant it's just reality as i have a lot going on. So I find people value my time a bit more.

FinallyHere · 03/01/2023 18:26

he’s made out that he’s genuinely forgot

If this is the best he can do, are you sure that he deserves your time and attention?

I'd be unavailable in future. Simples

Original poster
Twaooo · 03/01/2023 20:28

Oopsiedaisyy · 03/01/2023 15:12

I'd make your message focus on you, and not him
"I was looking forward to seeing you on Thursday, and I am disappointed you forgot our plans. I'm looking for someone wh values the time we have together, and makes me feel like i am a priority, so I'm not sure this is working for me."

Ok I said more or less this and he came with back that he didn’t think it would be a big deal and that he should have told me sooner, no acknowledgement of the fact he picked other plans over ours. Also he did “didn’t think I’d react like this” 🙄

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 03/01/2023 21:05

Yes this would bother me a lot. I’ve got a new bf and we both have kids, mine teens so ok to stay alone during evening but his are younger so needs a babysitter. So time is sparse and I would be very upset if he announced he was doing something else, sure he would feel the same if he had childcare and I said I’m now seeing a friend. I’d assume (and guess he would too) that they aren’t that interested as nothing would make me want to miss seeing him. Yes it’s early days when everything is fresh and nice but at 7 months it should still feel like that

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