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Original poster

Kept in the dark again

32 replies

Justwhenyoufeellifesgood · 03/01/2023 13:26

NC for this as I had posted in the past.

If you found out your OH had lied to you about a historic drunken ONS. And when you found out you decided to forgive and move on as sometimes shit happens and good people can sometimes make bad choices.

i made it very clear that I would not tolerate ever being lied to or kept in the dark about something ever again.

fast forward almost 3 years, life has been good, really happy etc and I found out on NYE that he had kept something from me relating to one of our children. I found out as a friend was chatting to me about it as though I knew. I called my DH over and told them what they had just said and he said yes I know. I was absolutely gobsmacked. He didn’t even say omg did I not tell you. It was a very clear yes I know and basically he had chosen not to tell me.

it wasn’t even something particularly dramatic or bad but he had chosen to keep it from me. The fact I was talking about it to a friend and they knew something about my child that I didn’t just made all those feelings of being made a fool come flooding back. I have been unable to talk to him (other than the necessary) or look at him since. He said it was a mistake he doesn’t know why he didn’t tell me but it’s nonsense I just feel he’s a liar

am I being unreasonable ? As I feel in that one split second everything has been ruined and there is no going back?

OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 03/01/2023 13:28

Why did be not tell you? Why did the child not tell you?

Original poster
Justwhenyoufeellifesgood · 03/01/2023 13:28

To be honest I think i know you will all say LTB or I should never have stayed in the first place but life is never clear cut. And when that person is your family and has been for 20+ years and you’ve built a very intertwined life together it’s just never that simple

OP posts:
Alaldlccmemsjzja · 03/01/2023 13:31

well he’s clearly good at keeping secrets so what other secrets does he have?

it’s up to you if you want to forgive and I’m sure he’ll say you’re overreacting or something
but I couldn’t trust someone who could hide things from me so easily

Original poster
Justwhenyoufeellifesgood · 03/01/2023 13:31

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 03/01/2023 13:28

Why did be not tell you? Why did the child not tell you?

he says he doesn’t know why he didn’t tell me….he’s sort of implying he just forgot but that’s BS. The DC hasn’t told me as he knows I wouldn’t have been very happy about it although I would never have gone mad. Its because it was them doing something that I had specifically told them they were not allowed to do

OP posts:
JoyPeaceSleep · 03/01/2023 13:33

What was the thing? I can't imagine what it means for your relationship or your trust in him without some context.

Was it an accident? How did your friend know? If your friend chatted casually about it, it's hard to get the context.

When my dc2 was at a creche, sometimes we would be out at the weekend and other kids or adults would say hello to him and I was aware that he had a life I didn't know about. That is life.

Original poster
Justwhenyoufeellifesgood · 03/01/2023 13:33

Alaldlccmemsjzja · 03/01/2023 13:31

well he’s clearly good at keeping secrets so what other secrets does he have?

it’s up to you if you want to forgive and I’m sure he’ll say you’re overreacting or something
but I couldn’t trust someone who could hide things from me so easily

My feelings exactly.

if he hadn’t completely betrayed my trust in the past and been ‘really bloody lucky’ me choosing to forgive him then the ‘I forgot’ just doesn’t cut it

OP posts:
JoyPeaceSleep · 03/01/2023 13:34

Agree with @Alaldlccmemsjzja , he is v comfortable keeping secrets

CatherinedeBourgh · 03/01/2023 13:36

I'm sorry, but I think he did the right thing.

He wasn't keeping you in the dark. He was respecting your child's choice to not tell you.

If you want your children to trust you and be able to tell you things, they have to be able to trust that you won't tell anyone else unless they give their explicit permission.

This is about his relationship with his child, not with you.

Original poster
Justwhenyoufeellifesgood · 03/01/2023 13:39

my DS went somewhere that i had specifically told him he wasn’t allowed to go….my DH was in agreement with me that he wasn’t to go. We both told him together. Turns out he went and my not so DH knew and didn’t tell me.

so in the grand scale of things not a big deal. They colluded to keep me in the dark ie go but don’t tell mum I suppose

OP posts:
IneedanewTV · 03/01/2023 13:39

I’m not clear as to what the problem is. A child told him something. He didn’t tell you neither did child. Isn’t he just respecting your child’s privacy?

the other issue well you decided to stay so that is in the past.

Original poster
Justwhenyoufeellifesgood · 03/01/2023 13:43

CatherinedeBourgh · 03/01/2023 13:36

I'm sorry, but I think he did the right thing.

He wasn't keeping you in the dark. He was respecting your child's choice to not tell you.

If you want your children to trust you and be able to tell you things, they have to be able to trust that you won't tell anyone else unless they give their explicit permission.

This is about his relationship with his child, not with you.

Don’t agree. If as parents we agree together a boundary that is set then one parent should not go behind each other’s back and agree something different with the child by keeping the other parent in the dark. Not good parenting at all as far as I’m concerned. If the other parent decides that he/she is allowed to do something then I would respect that

OP posts:
IneedanewTV · 03/01/2023 14:29

Well then that’s your answer. So why post?

StickyCricket · 03/01/2023 14:34

Justwhenyoufeellifesgood · 03/01/2023 13:39

my DS went somewhere that i had specifically told him he wasn’t allowed to go….my DH was in agreement with me that he wasn’t to go. We both told him together. Turns out he went and my not so DH knew and didn’t tell me.

so in the grand scale of things not a big deal. They colluded to keep me in the dark ie go but don’t tell mum I suppose

Sorry, it’s not clear.

Did your son go to this place with your husbands full knowledge and permission, after your DH had agreed with you he wasn’t allowed to go?

Or did your son go and your DH found out afterwards and kept it from you?

Onedayyoumayneedhelp · 03/01/2023 15:26

IneedanewTV · 03/01/2023 14:29

Well then that’s your answer. So why post?

Why are you being so mean!
maybe op is wanting somewhere to help get her thoughts together and thought a forum may help, whether it is just to come to conclusion that her mind is made up!!
why is it up to you to question who can or can not post!

Onedayyoumayneedhelp · 03/01/2023 15:30

Op I do get where you are coming from. Its not the actual point what you have been kept in the dark about but the fact you have again and that has bought back bad feelings related to what’s gone on before.

i suppose you have to think if what you have been kept in the dark about was something you feel strongly enough about to have been told and try and look at it as a completely separate thing. Ie if your husband hasn’t lied to you in the past would you care about this situation quite so much

Cas112 · 03/01/2023 15:32

It's not exactly the lie he's told now but the fact it's showing as a repeated pattern of lying / hiding things from you

He doesn't respect you enough to be honest and that's what the issue is. If he doesn't see this as a big deal this time that shows you everything you need to know

SPlRlT · 03/01/2023 15:34

It really depends on how reasonable it was of you to ban them from going.
Hiding a cheating incident is not like hiding your child has done something wrong. It's unreasonable to expect someone to never forget or white lie. Again it depends on what actually happened and where they went and why you banned them.

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/01/2023 15:35

How old is your DC, and is this something they confided in their dad and asked him not to tell you? If they’re an adult / young adult then it isn’t his to divulge. If be disappointed if I confided in one of my parents and asked them not to tell the other and they went ahead and did so anyway because of some mess of their own in their own past: the effects of your DH’s betrayal of you which you decided to forgive shouldn’t be visited on your children.

Christmaspyjamas · 03/01/2023 15:38

I don't think these two situations are at all comparable.

It's just not reasonable or practical to expect anyone to never keep a secret.

It sounds like you never got over your anger from the ONS and it is that you need to address.

VisaGeezer · 03/01/2023 15:41

I think this is the fundamental feeling of betrayal and if not trusting him and of him being dishonest etc coming back out.

You stayed for all the reasons you listed, but you are not (understandably) ok with what he did. You can't trust him - to act right by you or tell you the truth.

You either need to get rid of him, or perhaos see your marriage as expedient/temporary/on probation - if you don't want to separate cause of kids etc

VisaGeezer · 03/01/2023 15:42

How did you find out about the ons?

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 15:49

I feel for you OP. You rook him back but he's broken your trust. You forgave him but you carry those scars and the pain.
This recent situation may not have stung so much if it wasn't carrying the same resonance of that secrecy he kept with him when he had a ONS.
Also someone else being privy to information about your son along with DH reminds you of the feeling of not knowing and being humiliated. He shouldn't have lied this time but in isolation it might not be as bad.
This is more to do with the lost trust.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 03/01/2023 15:51

The fact your dh let your dc think lying and keeping secrets from you is acceptable would have me end things op.

amiold · 03/01/2023 15:56

Dc made a bad choice and told his dad because he trusted him - perhaps dad is a safe place to run to when needed for help or guidance.

Dad didn't break child's trust.

It's not a massive deal - child went somewhere you didn't want child to go. Obviously nothing come of it and no one was hurt or you'd have known ...

Totally irrelevant to one night stand. Yes a lie is a lie but totally totally different. Your husband hasn't cheated on you. He's kept a secret from dc who clearly feels he can trust him

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 03/01/2023 16:52

Justwhenyoufeellifesgood · 03/01/2023 13:43

Don’t agree. If as parents we agree together a boundary that is set then one parent should not go behind each other’s back and agree something different with the child by keeping the other parent in the dark. Not good parenting at all as far as I’m concerned. If the other parent decides that he/she is allowed to do something then I would respect that

Show quote history

In that case, you do need to do something. It cannot be ignored as that also is poor parenting as it fails to show actions have consequences.

how old is the child?

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