Kept in the dark again

[Justwhenyoufeellifesgood]

NC for this as I had posted in the past.

If you found out your OH had lied to you about a historic drunken ONS. And when you found out you decided to forgive and move on as sometimes shit happens and good people can sometimes make bad choices.

i made it very clear that I would not tolerate ever being lied to or kept in the dark about something ever again.

fast forward almost 3 years, life has been good, really happy etc and I found out on NYE that he had kept something from me relating to one of our children. I found out as a friend was chatting to me about it as though I knew. I called my DH over and told them what they had just said and he said yes I know. I was absolutely gobsmacked. He didn’t even say omg did I not tell you. It was a very clear yes I know and basically he had chosen not to tell me.

it wasn’t even something particularly dramatic or bad but he had chosen to keep it from me. The fact I was talking about it to a friend and they knew something about my child that I didn’t just made all those feelings of being made a fool come flooding back. I have been unable to talk to him (other than the necessary) or look at him since. He said it was a mistake he doesn’t know why he didn’t tell me but it’s nonsense I just feel he’s a liar

am I being unreasonable ? As I feel in that one split second everything has been ruined and there is no going back?

How old is DS and what kind of place are we talking? Theme park or nightclub?

Dh has made him good cop and you bad cop imo.

My DH also has some compulsive need for secrecy/lying including affairs and finances. He is not a monster, but I have zero trust in him. Our situation is complicated but as soon as I can get smoothly I'll be gone.

I guess the question is why they didn’t tell you. I often haven’t told my children’s dad things over the years because of how he reacts to things. My dad used to regularly say to me ‘don’t tell your mum’. Same reason, the way she reacted. My dad and I are rational people and we don’t over react, so for me I don’t want something escalating as their dad knows. I’m not saying it’s the same for you, but it might be worth reflecting why he chose not to tell you. Do you want to end your relationship over this?

Did he do anything about it? Sanctions? Punishment? Or did he just let it go?

I feel that you're knee jerk reacting, which is completely understandable, but this is fall out from his previous actions getting muddled up with the current situation.

Me and my dad often had a Don't tell your Mum agreement, you are all seperate people with your own relationships and I don't feel what he's done necessarily warrants the reaction.

Forgiving an affair is a work in progress, it's never over. This is a bump in the road of that process. All the feelings have come flooding back, but I don't feel it's an unforgiveable act, or him "returning to type" or doing it again.

Why did the woman know and not you? I can understand if he decided to handle it himself (though I don't think that would be right for him to do so) but why did she know about it?