How to bring up "you're boring"?

[kingfisher13]

I'm in my mid 40s, married with one primary age child, and life is ok. We have stable jobs, a decent house, and nothing much to worry about except my husband has some health issues around undiagnosed chronic pain/headaches. These have developed over the past few years, basically since child has started school, and now he's at the point where he barely goes out (works from home) and often goes to lie down especially after any activity. We sleep separately because his disturbed sleep keeps me awake.

Given these health issues I feel terrible about this - but he is so, so boring. I honestly wonder what we used to talk about and do. He never indicates that he misses the things we used to do together pre-child, like weekends away, eating out, camping holidays or going for walks/bike rides, and the more I think about it I realise it was always me initiating them. He's never done things with friends so nothing for him to miss on that side - he's happy with his own company. There's never a "I wish I could .." or "when I feel a bit better I'd like to..." - I tried to ask him about that and what he said he missed, when pressed, was being able to wash the car. Honestly.

So the signs were always there, and for whatever reason I didn't see them or ignored them. I think I've grown and changed a lot in the past few years, both personally growing in confidence and also making some really solid female friends and seeing what their relationships and family lives are like. If I had seen that back then I would not have married him (it was even me who proposed). But I did, and here we are.

He's a decent guy, he's never got outwardly angry about being ill and he doesn't mind me making plans to do things on my own/with friends. He tries to do his share around the house although it can wipe him out and I end up picking up a lot of it anyway.

Where do I go from here? It's all so tainted by the fact he's unwell and simply can't do what he used to, but it's also that that's highlighted what is important to him in life, which is apparently not the same as what is important to me. But every potential conversation about it feels massively selfish and like kicking a man when he's down. He's not likely to change on a deep personal level so is it either put up or split up?

Essentially yes; it’s either put up or split up

It could be possible to still do some of those things if he can manage a dinner out for example. Why is it undiagnosed? Has he not been to the doctor?

Its not wrong to look at what makes you happy though, you only get one life

He sounds repressed. Has he come across the Curable app? It’s designed for help people work through the causes of chronic pain which is often repressed emotions/trauma. Really worth looking up, it works and has lots of science and testimonials included in the app.

Heavens! Surely the priority must be to find out what’s making him so unwell?

I certainly don’t think of myself as boring but if I had no relief from various migraines and aches and pains I would be completely miserable to live with.

I don’t see how you can satisfactorily move forward without first establishing whether he actually is restricted by illness - or not.

He's unlikely going to change, so could you accept that you are married to a man you find very boring and alter your expectations of what that relationship going to provide for you, and accept that on balance this marriage provides XX ie stability for DC, financial security and freedom for me to go out whenever I like and have fun?

Looking to one person for everything a lot of pressure.

You may find if you leave, that a social life as a single parent is bloody difficult unless you've got an ex who will be flexible and meet you half way to shoulder childcare.

If you don't, things go very quiet on the excitement front and you could find yourself more bored and more skint!

Is there any more he can do to get to the bottom of his illness? Undiagnosed chronic pain sounds awful.

I can see why you are bored but I’m not sure telling him he’s boring is going to help at all. If he’s so unwell that washing the car is an impossible dream, it’s not lack of effort that’s the problem, assuming he’s done all he can to address his illness.

Can you do more with friends to make up for what you can’t do with him?

Ultimately it may simply be that you have to decide whether you are willing to stay with someone whose horizons have so narrowed. It sounds very tough.

Do you think his poor health might have its roots in a psychological condition? Either way I think I'd be looking to separate.

He sounds depressed perhaps with chronic pain as the trigger. He needs to improve his health.

If that really is the future then perhaps split up? Sounds like you are out of sympathy .

Hi OP.

I've been in a similar situation, but slightly different circumstances. Once again, a very long term relationship, a marriage in the middle of it. Shortly after we married I became quite profoundly ill, which really limited what we could do as a couple. It was a source of strife at the time as understandably my partner didn't fully understand my illness, and of course that means it became a source of frustration and resentment.

It took me around 10 years to recover fully, only for me to realise that in our relationship I was, and always had been the more outgoing one. My partner had changed dramatically over time and became pretty much a homebody, motivated by entirely different things to me. We had very little in common, and since we were no longer interested in the same activities, even conversation became difficult and I realised that they never had been a great conversationalist in any case, but our previous shared interests and activities masked that.

I found myself questioning if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone I viewed as boring, uninteresting, and for want of a better term, a bit of an ignoramus, and given that affection and intimacy had also vanished from our relationship mainly due to their inflexibility and decisions taken unilaterally, I decided I wanted out. So I left, shortly after I met someone else, and they are night and day different to my ex and I'm much happier for it.

Like other posters have said, you only live one life, so it's up to you if you want to choose to spend it being miserable with someone who makes you miserable or not.

Do you not have interests in common, that stop you finding him boring beyond activities and going out? I like talking to DH, a lot of the time it’s just trivial stuff about what the kids have done, him showing me some silly cat video he found, shared jokes from years ago or random facts. We like board games, share the same taste in some music, films, books, can argue about the equally large amount we disagree on. Tend to avoid politics as we are both interested but I get wound up just thinking about it!

I was climbing the walls sometimes in lockdown, but I never found DH boring because we couldn’t go out.

His condition sounds very rough. It’s hard to imagine things you used to do when you develop a condition that changes your daily life. I think you’re being harsh but yes splitting up is the answer and to hope you never become ill.

Just to add to my post I realise that it’s not the same as lockdown, as someone in chronic pain is probably going to be pretty miserable. You don’t really mention him feeling down or bad moods though.

What ever happened to in sickness & in health?

I've had to deal with some life changing health issues and my partner has stood by me. Nobody can make you though. It doesn't sound to me as though the love is there from your side?

what he said he missed, when pressed, was being able to wash the car
What did he mean by that? That he wanted to be able to just lead a normal life again? That he missed the little things he used to take for granted when he was well? You seem to be taking this as a sign of him being incredibly dull, whereas if you were going to approach it more charitably you could read all sorts of other things into it.

The fact that you don't want to interpret it more charitably makes me think you'd both be much better off with someone more on your own wavelengths.

Your dp sounds like a quiet, patient, hardworking man who understandably doesn't have much to talk about now as his life has been so reduced. The lack of sleep alone must be pretty debilitating for him. If you're feeling bad about leaving now, when he's ill, perhaps you could put in an extra burst of effort to help him get a diagnosis beforehand?

You haven't said what it is you think he/ you 'should' be doing, what you think you are missing out on. Is it that you are bored, rather than he is boring? Can't you do things with your friends? Develop hobbies of your own?
It does all smack of kicking a man when he is down. However, maybe you have grown apart (separate bedrooms and all that). Do you still want to be with him?

I'm chronically ill currently, I bore myself.
DH of 30 years is so supportive and patient.
That said I'm extremely proactive in my quest to recover.

But every potential conversation about it feels massively selfish and like kicking a man when he's down.

It feels that way because it is.

He's not likely to change on a deep personal level so is it either put up or split up?

Yes, basically.

If your only complaint about your husband is that he's boring due to chronic pain you should consider yourself very lucky. No reason why you can't do the stuff you want to do with other people or by yourself

As someone with a long term disability, I'd say he possibly just longs for the day that he can do something normal like wash the car. Maybe talk to him about pacing and trying to introduce something he can handle. We have people here as I struggle to get out. I used to dance and do a lot of outdoor stuff. Instead now I play board games and do more home stuff. With lots of rests. A group of friends who understand his situation and will work round him would help too.

What's stopping you from going out with your own friends? I don't get why you're lumping this on him if you're so adventurous. Do it yourself or with someone else

@XDownwiththissortofthingX sounds like your ex got the shitty end of that stick.10 years of you being ill and as soon as you get better you're out the door?

In Sickness and in Health....

Your husband I unwell, he needs a diagnosis and proper pain management.

Speaking from experience, chronic pain absolutely wipes you out, you're unable to do anything beyond the basics and even that can be a struggle.

But once I got a diagnosis and treatment that worked, I had a zest for life that wasn't there before the illness.

The washing the car thing, maybe he didn't articulate it very well but you also failed to apply any level of critical thinking to why he said it. Instead you chose to take that as "proof" that he's "boring" without an ounce of empathy.

Based on what you've written, I don't think you're being very fair on him at all. It may well be that you've grown apart, but your focus seems to be on what you get from him and the relationship with no consideration about what you put in in terms of love and support on an emotional level.

I would pick a Saturday in,a couple of weeks and plan something you could do that is easier on him and tell him about it, ask him to go then just go and do it with or without him, then just keep on doing it

Of course something you like as well but just plan it and do it, then you get out and he jlmay end up joining you even sometimes

No, more like 5 years after I got better I realised I'd been unhappy for 5 years because my partner had changed beyond all recognition, but if you want to try and be a goady arse by describing that as 'as soon as you got better you were out the door' go ahead, it makes no difference to me. I'm far happier for being out of the relationship and so is my ex.

@kingfisher13

I get what he meant by the 'wash the car' thing. While my ex was thinking about moving house and foreign holidays, the extent of my ambition was to wake up one day and not spend the entire day ruminating about killing myself. You have totally different perspectives on what is 'normal' and what is 'desirable' when you are really ill. If you spend years being unable to to really simple and basic things, then those become ambitions in themselves.

Why haven't you both pushed to find out what's making him so unwell? If he has no energy then of course washing the car and doing something normal would make him happy! You clearly have no understanding nor empathy about chronic illnesses. Do you even love him?