Back here - again

[Doingdoingdont]

So I tend to lurk on mumsnet until I have a need to unload and then when things calm down lurk away again, reading other threads sympathising and wondering why the op never ltb.
And then I post under different NC and gets lots of advice from lovely posters and sometimes even follow it, for a while.
Then it all goes back to the (un) comfortable routine same old same old.
So sorry and laying out my cards, whatever sensible advice you give I probably won't follow it. But please don't be too harsh on me, it really does truly help just typing it all out anonymously on here. Knowing that it's not just me who goes through shit like this is not comfort, but knowing that you can eventually get out the rut IS.

DH drinks, far too much. Every night he has at least 8 cans, and on his days off much more and he starts at 10am when the shops start selling or earlier if he has any left from the night before. I don't confront him or say anything to him when he is drinking as it leads to arguments. When he is sober he is always promising to cut down his drinking. His days off end with him in bed by 7pm at the latest, having drunk himself into a stupor. There are always times when he gets angry, and actually seethes with rage at everything and nothing. Usually me-my housekeeping skills are not the best, I would much rather read or watch TV than iron or hoover and he loves to tell me how useless I am with everything. He needs his ego stroked all the time, and today it was so clear to me that he has a massive chip on his shoulder and needs to put me down to make him feel worth while. It was like a sudden realisation that he needs appeased all the time. Even when you do he still rants and raves for a good half hour or so then goes out for a fag/goes for a pee or something and comes back and say "right I'm sorry, I don't want to fall out" asks for a kiss and pretend nothing has happened. If I don't kiss him I am being a stuck up cow or holding grudges and should just get over it, so for peaces sake I usually just give him a peck and stay out of his way.
But why does he get so angry? He is always apologetic when he sobers up, and says he doesn't mean any of the things he said.
Everyone thinks the world of him. He is a genuinely caring kind person, and can be very supportive of me, though I tend not to confide in him now because he would threaten to have a go at my boss when I moaned about work etc
Where does this anger come from? Is it just the lager speaking? Even adverts or TV programmes can set him off on a rant.
If you read all this, thank you I know it probably doesn't make much sense as I am typing it all out to get it out of my head.

This is abuse!
He acts like a dick head when he's pissed and then gaslights you when he's sober.
What a massive bellend.
Get rid. Xx

Leave the dickhead.

He hates you. Almost as much as he hates himself.

It's as simple as that.

You don’t have to do anything in a hurry.
Jyst get your ducks in a row & keep on top of what’s what with finances, pensions, your passport whereabouts, usual stuff. Keep your eye on the rental or house share market/rent a room (until house sold & finxnces sorted, dust settles.)
One day something will happen and a straw will break the camel’s back. You will then be in a position of command & control to leave.
Just doing small things for “in the event of” might help you feel more in control of this demeaning & destructive situation.

Alongside this could he be encouraged to seek help? Alcoholics Anonymous ? Does he realise he has a problem?

Stay strong. Who needs this crap? When he gets cirrhosis of the liver, will you nurse him? When he gets bowel cancer (brought on by drink) will you make daily visits back & forth to hospital? Nah! Start thinking of a future without him. Life is too short to be at his manipulative mercy. Go for it!

That's the thing I really don't think it's abuse. He's just a prick and selfish at times.
And even though I know it's not abuse it is shit and the good times and normal times and boring domestic times don't make up for it. But I know that I won't follow it through if I asked him to leave or tried to leave. Last year he left after I asked him to and he stayed with his friend for 2 weeks. And then he apologised and helped with dcs when I was working and took the dog out and soon he was here more than there and then he was back, no big conversation or anything, just yes OK let's try again. And I don't want to do that to the dcs again, so much upheaval just to go back to normal.

He knows he has a problem but won't get help he says he can stop any time he wants. He just doesn't want to.

I dont think anything we say will help change your situation..you will see it as you do and justify reasons. It will be a viscous circle

You are aware enough there is an issue to post on here asking for advice but reluctant to change.

Your defence and going round in circles is a way of subconsciously wanting to stay in the problem whilst still knowing its a problem.

Ask yourself why?

Why are you willing to put up with it? Why are you choosing to put up with it?

I'm not trying to be mean but don't want to sugar coat it either.

Thanks for all the replies. Typing it out on here does really help me cope with it all.

Warspite small things advice is great. I sometimes feel so worn down and accepting of it all, as if well this is my life I better just get on with it. Maybe a small secret planning now and again would be a bit of a victory for me.

SugarplumFairyyy
Totally! I am my own worst enemy in this. Before I would let off steam in here and be full of the intention to finish with him. But never actually do it. I would never let a family member put up with this, but seem to just roll over myself.

Currently lying on the couch with the cat and dog for company as I can't face going into bed with him.

And there lies the problem. He can't stop, you know that and so does he. What is living with an alcoholic doing to the DCs? It IS abuse, and you deserve much better.
Please consider LTB before your DC are too damaged by this.

Exactly this. ^^

In behaving this way, there is no consequence for his actions (choices) and ultimately you are enabling him to continue being an alcoholic living with your children.

You've hit the nail on the head when you say you wouldn't let another family member put up with that, so why don't you show yourself the same kindness and respect?

You deserve better, your DC deserve better, and the fact you're on the sofa because you can't face getting into bed with him speaks volumes.

I do wonder sometimes if DH feels like that about me at times, I know I drink too much, and I've vowed to tackle it. I'm 2 days without alcohol and I think that's why I'm awake at gone 2am despite being exhausted. Don't get me wrong, I'm not alcoholic, but for the past few months i have been drinking everyday to cope with losing my mum. I've also kidded myself that it relaxes me and helps me sleep. It doesn't.
So I have to do something about it before it becomes an issue.

I wonder what you'd advise someone else who typed what you have?

I would straight up tell them to leave, not put up with i - and when I have made threads before I would say on here that's what I was going to do, I would agree and talk about ducks in a row and all the rest.
And I'm not making excuses or anything but things settle down and are bearable for a while, sometimes even nice, we laugh have the same sense of humour. So I just get on with it. I can't imagine my life any other way. We've been together nearly 19 years. His family are my family and our DC adore him.
And at this moment in time I want to leave. I hate it, but I know he will turn things round and apologise tomorrow and it will seem to leave would be petty and nasty and like I am wrecking my dcs lives for something than has been sorted. Like making a mountain out of a molehill.

I think we have the same husband ( except mine became an ex and later died of his drinking)
Sorry to be blunt but your husband is abusive, he has all the signs of an alcoholic, he is using you to enable his drinking and you, unwittingly, are enabling him.
I found living with an alcoholic was a spiral of walking on eggshells. He wanted me to make up, not be cross with him, not tackle him about his behaviour , so I did to keep him placid. He went on drinking, he ranted, he caused another embarrassing scene, I kept him quiet , rinse and repeat. By doing this, and paying the bills so he could drink, I was enabling him.
It never got any better. It got a whole lot worse , losing friends, he nearly bankrupted me, he got me into potentially dangerous situations, horribly embarrassing social situations.
Plan to leave, get your ducks in a row, do it quietly, do not let him know.
Your husband’s threats to speak to your boss, in his drunken delusions he could do anything. my exh blatantly told me he was going to tell lies in my workplace which would not only have got me sacked but put under police investigation too. Ducks were never put in a row so fast, I had a job and a flat in another city 200 miles away and was gone within 3 months, he didn’t suspect a thing. Please don’t wait for things to get worse, because they will.

To be perfectly blunt and I'm sorry to be this way but you say you wouldn't let a family member stay in this situation and yet you are putting your dc's in this situation every single day of their lives. Each day he drinks and they hear him speak to you like this or act like this or fall asleep drunk on chairs, they will worry and become more withdrawn and begin to hate you as well as him for not removing them from this situation. They won't want to bring friends home as they won't know how he will act or what he will say. I speak from experience here. One day it won't be you he belittles it will.be them. How will you feel then? It is your job to protect them and the best way to do that is to remove them from this situation. He will erode their confidence and they will think this is the way a relationship should be as you have put up with it for so long. So don't think about yourself, think about your children and leave or make him leave.

He is an alcoholic, an abusive alcoholic. And you have no idea how this will eventually end unless you make those decisions now and stick to them.

Sorry OP. Protect your children.

Doingdoingdon't, you do realise that your partner is a very sick man and is likely to become more so. He actually feels ill because excessive alcohol consumption is poison. A little can perk you up for a while but a lot destroys a person mentally and physically; eventually it will no longer numb the pain, it is totally demoralising.

This is so difficult for you because you obviously love the man. He probably loves you in his way but cannot express it in a meaningful fashion. He drinks to achieve oblivion and it is in the nature of addiction to be self centred but it doesn't make him happy.

Things will not improve if he won't acknowledge the problem and go into rehab. You cannot allow him to drag you and the children down with him so you have to be tough. Lay it on the line for him and make some plans for your own future, you're worth more than this. It is not a normal life for someone to go to bed at 7pm every night, it's sheer escapism for him - he feels worthless - and miserable for you. As time goes on you will become more and more isolated and it won't be much fun for the children either.

Is there anyone close to you both who could speak with your husband, kindly and calmly? A trusted third party could be helpful.

Do take care of yourself, please.

I think I've been naive, to think my DC won't be badly affected. They love their dad and think he's funny especially when he is drunk. I do my best to hide my upset when things are bad. I thought that they would just think this life is normal not realising that the last thing they need is to think it is OK for dad to behave like this.

If they think he's funny when he is drunk, then there's a high chance they will have a drink problem when they are older. Get out while you can.

One thing I do know is that children are hardwired to love their parents. Personal experience has shown that a parent can be horrifically abusive but the child still wants their approval and is loyal and even protective of them.
So your DC may well adore their father as you say.
But I guarantee they're also frightened and wary of him on some level. DC absorb the atmosphere of their home.
I know this is awful for you. You have the boiled frog syndrome. Many of us can empathise. But I think you need to be honest with yourself that he's damaging those DC as well as you.

My ex-bf was like your husband. Every Friday was the worse. He would drink 4-6 cans of lager and a bottle of wine plus shots of whisky.

As the evening continued he would get nastier and more critical. He would continue with the verbal abuse, because that is what it was! Like you I made excuses for his behaviour. But I grow more unhappy with time and just being worn down.

I eventually left (no kids) but there was a big sense of relief! I look back and just can't believe I put up with such abusive behaviour for so long.

How old are your DCs?

You sound pretty switched on. Recognising and identifying the issue. Knowing what the best course of action is.

Unable to follow through and take your own advice is the next bit isn't it? You know that's what you should do for yourself and your children. And that's the really hard bit. The upheaval, the inevitable rows and unpleasantness, decisions about contact. You will get through it, be gentle to yourself until you find the strength to push you on. You know you can't live like this. As pp said take small steps, ducks in a row until the day you change the locks and get rid.

It could be the wake up call that saves your husband's life. There's lots of stories about people working on sobriety but only when they reach rock bottom. At the moment he can kid himself that he can stop when he likes and you sadly are enabling that.

When my mum was a primary school teacher she had a 7yo kid in care in her class that broke her heart. Every going home time he wept because it wasn't hos mum collecting him. His mum was a drug addict who would abandon him for days, spend her money on heroin before food, have sex for money/drugs in the same room and hit him if she hadn't had her fix. Yet he loved her because she was his mum. So don't think that your kids love your drunken sot of a man because he's a good dad.

I actually very much doubt that your Dc adore him. They may adore the sober ok version and be desperately clinging to that. But they can't possibly adore a man who is passed out drunk at 7pm every night.

If your daughter (if you have one) grows up to enter a marriage like this because she thinks it's normal, how will you feel? If your son (in you have one) grows up to only make so little of his life and treats his wife and your grandchildren like this, how will you feel? Because that's what you are modelling to them.

And above all, if your DC as adults decide to go NC with you because you didn't protect them from growing up around this, how will you feel?

Have you tried joining Al-Anon?

Perhaps it's worth trying getting some support in that respect while you're staying.

Ultimately I think you should leave for the sake of your dc, as this is being normalised to them.

In the meantime, engage with support for yourself and the children as the family of an alcoholic.

Hey op im in a similar position to you with a drinker for a husband, in denial. Im making plans to leave. I cant face another year of this. Sending you strength xx

I was in this position and Al Anon helped as well as Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More. I realised I didn't need to let this be my life. I was with him 10 years. Divorced and delighted now.

(I am now married and again absolutely happy. I was single on purpose for 2 years to find my own wants, likes and routines. Then I joined online dating just to get out for gigs and meals, cinema and a laugh. I wasn't looking for love but actually found love)

I wish you the best of luck. I wasn't ready to leave until he hit me. But because of Al Anon and Codependent No More I was instantly ready.