Back here - again

[Doingdoingdont]

So I tend to lurk on mumsnet until I have a need to unload and then when things calm down lurk away again, reading other threads sympathising and wondering why the op never ltb.
And then I post under different NC and gets lots of advice from lovely posters and sometimes even follow it, for a while.
Then it all goes back to the (un) comfortable routine same old same old.
So sorry and laying out my cards, whatever sensible advice you give I probably won't follow it. But please don't be too harsh on me, it really does truly help just typing it all out anonymously on here. Knowing that it's not just me who goes through shit like this is not comfort, but knowing that you can eventually get out the rut IS.

DH drinks, far too much. Every night he has at least 8 cans, and on his days off much more and he starts at 10am when the shops start selling or earlier if he has any left from the night before. I don't confront him or say anything to him when he is drinking as it leads to arguments. When he is sober he is always promising to cut down his drinking. His days off end with him in bed by 7pm at the latest, having drunk himself into a stupor. There are always times when he gets angry, and actually seethes with rage at everything and nothing. Usually me-my housekeeping skills are not the best, I would much rather read or watch TV than iron or hoover and he loves to tell me how useless I am with everything. He needs his ego stroked all the time, and today it was so clear to me that he has a massive chip on his shoulder and needs to put me down to make him feel worth while. It was like a sudden realisation that he needs appeased all the time. Even when you do he still rants and raves for a good half hour or so then goes out for a fag/goes for a pee or something and comes back and say "right I'm sorry, I don't want to fall out" asks for a kiss and pretend nothing has happened. If I don't kiss him I am being a stuck up cow or holding grudges and should just get over it, so for peaces sake I usually just give him a peck and stay out of his way.
But why does he get so angry? He is always apologetic when he sobers up, and says he doesn't mean any of the things he said.
Everyone thinks the world of him. He is a genuinely caring kind person, and can be very supportive of me, though I tend not to confide in him now because he would threaten to have a go at my boss when I moaned about work etc
Where does this anger come from? Is it just the lager speaking? Even adverts or TV programmes can set him off on a rant.
If you read all this, thank you I know it probably doesn't make much sense as I am typing it all out to get it out of my head.

@Helen901 how is it going? It just wears you down to a shadow doesn't it.

Last night DH started a rant at me during dinner and I stupidly argued back. He has such a chip on his shoulder about everything and everytime he starts a rant he starts insulting my family. After arguing I just stayed out of his way. When he got up today he was trying to be nice, but when I didn't respond the way he wanted his mood changed pretty quickly. Have joined an online alanon group

Hello op, im currently reading Codependent No More book which someone further up suggested. Im actually quite shocked how much i relate to it in all honesty. Im going to finish the book and take stock.

on another post i saw it reminded me that my husband does the secret drinking. Take last night, i popped to the shops later on 8-9pm. He had no beers in. The shop in the village was shut. When i got back, he was on his 3rd pint. One other in the fridge. Once he had drunk that. He was hurrying me upstairs as i was going bed, i saw this morning he had also drank whiskey! On a week night?! I heard him wash up a glass (hyper vigilant) and this morning i smelt the whiskey glass and low and behold it stunk. How can you drink 4 cans and most likely a double whiskey and not feel ill the following morning 🤷🏻‍♀️

• i heard him wash up a glass before using it. I thought he was on the wine

I don’t like my mum, I love her though because she is my mum and that’s it. If she wasn’t my mum I’d have no problems leaving her in a gutter in the street. She is a terrible parent and takes pleasure in being nasty. I doubt they love him because they do, they probably just love him cos his their dad and they have to.

Do you love him?

Isittrue honestly* I *don't know what I feel any more. He says he loves me but I really don't think he does. I fantasise the thought of leaving and what life would be like without him, but I honestly can't see a way out. He is at work texting me telling me I am hard to live with but he loves me anyway.

Helen the secret drinking thing is horrible, I get the lying in bed unable to relax/sleep cos you are hyper aware of his every movement. I have always had to hide any type of alcohol in the house, he seems to have no off switch. My boss retired and bought me a nice bottle of champagne, I was keeping it for a girls night I had planned, it was drunk one night after I went to bed after he run out of cans. Nothing is off limits.

"And I'm not making excuses or anything but things settle down and are bearable for a while, sometimes even nice, we laugh have the same sense of humour. So I just get on with it. I can't imagine my life any other way. We've been together nearly 19 years. His family are my family and our DC adore him".

Your above comment is a mix of the nice and nasty cycle pertinent to abuse along with a good heap of the sunken costs fallacy for good measure. This is what keeps you where you are now, that and your codependency to each other which you both rely on. You certainly also need to read Codependent No More. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up; what happened to you to end up where you are now?. Which one of your parents taught you to accept such from a man/marriage/relationship?. Your bar is sub level low for reasons likely stemming from your own childhood experiences.

I do not think your kids adore their dad so much as fear him; they may well see him as bumbling about drunk but they certainly hear him when he shouts and screams at you for hours on end. Sound travels.

The effect all this is having on them is incalulable but its not good for them and they could well go onto develop the same behaviours within their own relationships as adults. After all you two are showing them the blueprint for relationships; is this really what you want to show them?. I would also think your own relationship with your kids as adults is at risk because your children, if you stay with your drunkard abuser, will come to see you as putting him before them. They will call you daft for staying with him and will not want to come and visit you very often if at all.

There is always a way out. The hard part for you is that you have to take that first and often the hardest of steps out, on your own.

You might think he's not abusive (you're wrong) but forcing your children to live like this IS abusive and you're both responsible. Please for your children's sake find some strength and leave!

He's an alcoholic, his behaviour is toxic and abusive. You are enabling it, the relationship is codependant, and you are getting something out of this on some level. There's a part of you that's being rewarded.

Put your energy into working out why you feel this is a reasonable way for you and your children to live, rather than wondering why and when he might deal with his acoholism.

our DC adore him.

He rants, seethes with rage, and you feel like you constantly have to appease him. Your children are watching, don't be fooled.

You might find out in the future that your children were naturally saying and doing what they needed to do to keep themself safe in the situation, where dad was drunk and abusive to mum who pretended everything was normal. Don't kid yourself. Can you honestly imagine them when they're 25 thanking you for providing a peaceful and safe home when they were children?

They are more likely to go out and repeat his behaviour and/or become victims of something similar themselves unless you show them that it is unacceptable and draw some boundaries on their behalf.

You say you won't do anything about this other than post about it here periodically, which I feel is a massive shame, for you, and for your kids.

The thing is I grew up in a loving home, my DM and DF were very demonstrative with us, but not overly with each other. My DM drinks too much now, but not when we were small.
I just don't know how to end it.

When you say you just don't know how to end it, do you mean how to practially handle the seperation? Or do you mean you don't know how to want to end it?

Everyone thinks the world of him

They don't. More importantly, you don't and that's what matters.

He is a genuinely caring kind person,
He is not. A genuinely kind and caring person wouldn't behave in a way that left you unable to relax in bed at night, rant at you during dinner, presumably in front of the kids

and can be very supportive of me
in between busts of outrage using you as a sounding board for his rants.

You can make all the excuses you want for his behaviour, it's not the lager talking, it's him. Only when you're out of excuses and will accept the situation is as bad as it really is, and that you and your children deserve some peace at the very least, will you be ready to end it.

This drunk IS the man you live with.
This is how it is going to be for the rest of your life with him.
Your children will judge YOU for staying.... they will look at their friends families and wonder why this has happened to them... and why the one person in the world who should have protected them ..didn't...
They won't always find him/it funny.
And be sure the friends and family who think the world of him dont... not really.... they see him as he is...
You do realise this is the only life you will have... this is the one bite of the cherry.... and you are wasting it with this apology for a man.
You are worth more... I promise you that.

Leaving is really, really hard. 19 years with someone they become like an extra arm, the dynamic is just bearable, leaving seems like moving mountains. Youll tell yourself you're selfish, rocking the boat, causing upset. The status quo is at least a known entity. Sometimes in the privacy of your own head when you've had enough, you picture leaving, the amazing freedom, the enormous 'fuck you', and you start to make small plans and then collapse back on yourself. Fantasising replaces living. I've lived through the same thing with a man for 14 years, I did eventually leave. And oh my GOD it was good. I have never, not once, ever looked back with regret. Only that I didn't do jt sooner.

Your DC probably don’t find him funny, they have most likely learned that alcoholics are unpredictable, alcoholics that get angry over nothing have to be kept on side, you laugh along with them and pretend it’s all jolly or you try and stay out of their way, you do both of these things to prevent them turning on you.
Alcoholics care about alcohol, he cares more about drinking than he does about you or your DC.
To him your children are less important than a drink and even if they don’t realise that now they will soon enough.

You’ll still be in the same position in 5 year then 10 years, then your kids will follow the same pattern and they’ll be on here.

☝️

Google adult children of alcoholics op. That is what you are consigning your children too.

That is me. I'm in therapy for it. My mother didn't dare leave- was codependent. I resent her just as much as I do him. She was my parent- she should have left.

Do you really want that for your future? Messed up children who dislike you for staying?

I think you would benefit from counselling to help you move on.

Sorry for the tough love but you need it.

You will lose far more if you stay.

The only one who can get him to change is himself. You can make your own mind up about staying but you need to make sure your children aren't growing up thinking this is normal.

This!

Also the adult child of an alcoholic. He eventually got sober but swapped alcohol for other addictions, mostly women. He ruined my mothers life.

She eventually left him when we were late teens/young adults (because she was forced too). It severely impacted us all but we have come out the other side. Some of my siblings unfortunately followed him into addiction.

Leave while your children are young.

@Doingdoingdont , just have this thought in your head. In 5-10 years time do you want to be in the same situation? I suspect the samwer is a resounding "No". Please, find someone that will give you the life that you long for. It will be tough, sad, upsetting, even really difficult - but you have to do this. No one should suffer a life like this. Having come from a sheer shock just before Xmas that has made me hit the very bottom of distressing feelings, you need to seek a happier more peaceful life. I am taking each minute/hour/day as it comes - because it's the only way I can get through this. Life is really shitty sometimes but we can change that if we really want.

How are you finding Al Anon Op?