Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Want to finish with my other half but he’s controlling

34 replies

Linzalmond0709 · 03/01/2023 00:49

Hi,
quick run down, I’ve been on and off with my partner for 4 years. He’s my Nextdoor neighbour ( I know I’ll never make this choice again) he’s very controlling and I’ve recognised it and pointed it out. But things escalated quickly and he’s threatened to kill himself in the past ( tried once).
he’s now being kicked out of his rented house and seems to have decided he’s moving in with me. I’ve had a few issues my car is off the road and in the middle of a court case, so been using his. Just got a new job about the time he’s decided he’s moving in. Now the problem, I’m having panic attacks, quite regularly and can’t help but think it’s the thought of living together. Feel stuck, he’s got adhd, but I have 2 kids of my own with learning disabilities. I know I can find another job but I like this one and no way I can get there without a car. Think I just need to face the fall out of telling him I can’t have him moving in and find another job.
just not sure how to go about it without anyone getting hurt

OP posts:
SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 00:56

You simply have to put yourself and kids first. Have you git family to confide in? I'd try to male plans to get away from him ASAP.

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 00:56

Sorry predictive text is terrible

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 00:59

Also wanted to add this article for you to read for advice on the parf with him using the threats of ending his life when you try to break up

loveandabuse.com/if-you-leave-me-ill-kill-myself-the-ultimate-abuse-of-your-empathy-and-compassion/

whatisheupto · 03/01/2023 00:59

No no no no no you absolutely mustn't let him move in. Just no. Say it's because the kids won't like it and they come first if that's easier.

If he moves in you will never get him out.

Tell women's aid or the police if you feel threatened. Get support.

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/01/2023 01:00

It sounds like the perfect time to break up, if he’s being evicted and so will no longer be your neighbour. If you’re worried about how he might react to you telling him, contact the police beforehand, advise that you believe he’s likely to become aggressive or problematic and ask for them to attend whilst he retrieves any belongings he has in your house. If he’s controlling then relying on him letting you borrow his car for work isn’t sustainable anyway. What’s preventing you having your own car back on the road? Could a relative of friend help?

Original poster
Linzalmond0709 · 03/01/2023 01:03

Thank you so much I think I just needed someone’s views. I can’t get away as this is my home. The good thing is he can’t stay where he is, so hopefully this time he won’t make me feel guilty for not being with him every day as I won’t have to see him. It’s just the fall out in between. I know what I need to do, just dreading it as I know it needs to be done asap. Thank you for your support

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 03/01/2023 01:05

You can't seriously accept a controlling man with MH issues into your home for want of a car!
What's his story about why he is getting kicked out?
Get a loan or finance for a car, or get another job, anything is better than being coerced to have him in your life.

Original poster
Linzalmond0709 · 03/01/2023 01:06

My car I bought and then it was unfit for purpose as the drive shaft has gone. Just waiting on the finance company to retrieve it then get my money back. But it’s taking time. I’ve explained my circumstances but doesn’t seem to bother them. Like I said I kinda know I’ll lose the job but there are others. Family are around but they have jobs they need their cars for. Going to see if I can get a loan for a cheap run around I think unTill mines sorted. Thanks again

OP posts:
SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 01:08

Please don't let him manipulate you or use your good nature to control you. The good thing is you are aware of it. You are just worried what the repercussions will be. But it will be far easier and better now then a few years down the line.
If you start feeling sorry for him and he makes threats just visualise your babies in your mind and know everything you are doing is for them and their livelihood. They have needs and can not be around a controlling and abusive man.

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 01:09

Linzalmond0709 · 03/01/2023 01:06

My car I bought and then it was unfit for purpose as the drive shaft has gone. Just waiting on the finance company to retrieve it then get my money back. But it’s taking time. I’ve explained my circumstances but doesn’t seem to bother them. Like I said I kinda know I’ll lose the job but there are others. Family are around but they have jobs they need their cars for. Going to see if I can get a loan for a cheap run around I think unTill mines sorted. Thanks again

Do whatever possible so you don't need to rely on him. I bet he likes you needing his car as its another way to keep you tied to him. He is bad news!

Fraaahnces · 03/01/2023 01:10

Does he have a key? You’re going to have to change the locks asap if he does. Otherwise you’re going to have an unstable cocklodger on your hands. I would call the police every time he threatens suicide for a “welfare check” so he knows you’re not going to fall for it again.

Original poster
Linzalmond0709 · 03/01/2023 01:16

Thank you. I’m going to talk to him tomorrow. Just thought my eldest son has a bike I can use to get to work. But I need to let him know he can’t move in. I’ve never had mental health issues unTill recently and can only think it’s down to this.
he’s been kicked out because he’s lazy doesn’t clean and rarely pays on time, his mum pays his rent most of the time.
he has a key but my dads a locksmith so that’s easily sorted. Just concerned about him and doing something silly

OP posts:
SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 01:18

Also you are NOT responsible for his mental health or his decisions. You should be free to break up with him, without feeling guilt over what he might do.

TacCat49 · 03/01/2023 01:49

Please stop calling him your other half. He isn't and that term is giving him mixed messages.

EddyF · 03/01/2023 02:19

Safeguard your children and never let this man move in (or even visit).

Rent a car/public transport or ask them if they can hold off start date for a few weeks. Try to keep this job offer if you’re not already working.

Squabbledee · 03/01/2023 02:24

You're not responsible for his behaviour. If he does something silly that's not on you and maybe that needs to happen for him to wake up & sort his life out.

Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2023 02:26

Have your locks changed asap so he cannot enter your home uninvited. Becayse even uf ge gives you your keys back, you never know if ges made copies.

End it and be firm. You can do it over the phone. Heck, even by text. You don't owe an abusive man anything. Let alone meeting him to break up.

Any nonsense from him, call the police ASAP.

Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2023 02:33

Ps: so common for abusive men to threaten suicide.

What you do is, don't reply to the messages (though, hopefully he'll be blocked anyway) just call the emergency services and explain the situation. That it may just be a tactic but you're letting them know. They can then decide what to do. If they find he is wasting their time, he'll be in trouble. He'll also, not pull that crap again.

Bananalanacake · 03/01/2023 08:00

A normal, decent man would respect your need for space when you tell him he can't move in, your DC come first. He will just sponge off you.

browneyes77 · 03/01/2023 09:14

DO NOT let him move in. You’ll never get him out.

You’ll be financially worse off with him there sponging off you and he’ll be in a position to exert more control over you.

Him being evicted is the perfect opportunity for you to break up and break away from him.

His mental health is not your issue or responsibility to solve. Threatening to kill himself I can bet is a scare tactic to keep hold of you. Abusers use this all the time. It’s just another way to control you.

He’s controlling, couldn’t pay his own rent, is lazy and doesn’t clean. Why on earth would you want him in your home around your children? Put your children first and ditch this man pronto. And get the locks changed ASAP.

MeJane · 03/01/2023 09:21

His mental health is not your issue or responsibility to solve. Threatening to kill himself I can bet is a scare tactic to keep hold of you. Abusers use this all the time. It’s just another way to control you.
Absolutely. If he was going to kill himself (which he isn't) he would need proper help. Not someone he just happened to be in a relationship with.

It's not up to you to provide him,somewhere to live either.

Do whatever you can to get to work in the short term. The bike, lifts, public transport an Uber if you have to.

CardiffMam · 03/01/2023 09:27

Don't let him move in, not even for a few days. When you explain that you don't want him to move in, he will ask to stay for a few days "just till I sort myself out". Make sure you're ready for this question. Tell him you're promised the children that no one is coming to stay, not even for a few days.

Duckingella · 03/01/2023 09:52

Do not let him move in,he obviously intends on being a cocklodger who wants to live off your financial resources whilst you do all the cooking,cleaning etc.

Tbh him being evicted from the place next door is a blessing as it'll make it easier to cut off ties with him so you're not tempted to get back together with him.

As you're on/off with him you've clearly broken up before and more than once so just do it again and stick to this decision permanently.

You are not responsible for his mental health,he sounds like he's draining the life out of you.

Cherrysoup · 03/01/2023 11:03

Get your dad to change the locks. Prep your dc not to open the door to him. Do not let him move in!

Quitelikeit · 03/01/2023 12:02

Send him a WhatsApp asap

dear x

i have been thinking about what you said about moving in and I am sorry to say that’s not going to work for me. I’ve got too much going on right now and the timing is not right. I know that you’ve been letting me use your car and if you want to lend it to me for another month while I try to get mine sorted that would be great. I could pay you a small amount for doing me this favour? If not possible that’s fine. Thanks