Want to finish with my other half but he’s controlling

[Linzalmond0709]

Hi,
quick run down, I’ve been on and off with my partner for 4 years. He’s my Nextdoor neighbour ( I know I’ll never make this choice again) he’s very controlling and I’ve recognised it and pointed it out. But things escalated quickly and he’s threatened to kill himself in the past ( tried once).
he’s now being kicked out of his rented house and seems to have decided he’s moving in with me. I’ve had a few issues my car is off the road and in the middle of a court case, so been using his. Just got a new job about the time he’s decided he’s moving in. Now the problem, I’m having panic attacks, quite regularly and can’t help but think it’s the thought of living together. Feel stuck, he’s got adhd, but I have 2 kids of my own with learning disabilities. I know I can find another job but I like this one and no way I can get there without a car. Think I just need to face the fall out of telling him I can’t have him moving in and find another job.
just not sure how to go about it without anyone getting hurt

Please don’t send this OP.

This is just giving him more time and opportunity to control you. And he will absolutely use it against you and to try and keep you in the relationship.

Sort some alternative transport out and ditch him once and for all.

WTF! NO, DONT ASK IF YOU CAN CONTINUE TO BORROW HIS CAR

FFS

Yup agree with PP. Cut all ties- give back his car etc etc. Full no contact.

'Yup agree with PP. Cut all ties- give back his car etc etc. Full no contact.'

Yes, totally agree. Get him out of your life, he sounds absolutely awful. He's a grown adult, you are not responsible for him in any way. Tell him it's finished, get those locks changed, and stand firm when he starts begging

You describe him as controlling, he’s been kicked out of his house because he’s lazy doesn’t clean and rarely pays on time, he's unilaterally decided he's moving in with you. Please don't let this man spend even a night in your house! You won't get rid of him.

Which matters more to you - your children's happiness and wellbeing and your own happiness / mental health OR the opinions of this controlling man? If your children matter more to you, then you'll top borrowing his car with immediate effect and tell him it's over. Then block him on all fronts, and change the locks and never engage with him again.

You will feel so much better once you've done it.

PLEASE don't let him stay in your home. He will make you and your children unhappy, and he doesn't deserve your sympathy.

Another one saying get the locks changed before you talk to him. If he's that controlling I'd also have a friend/family member staying with you for a bit. Give him back his car and see what you can do about the new job.

Maybe someone at the new job will live near you and you can suggest car sharing? I wouldn't give it up just yet. But make sure your locks are changed by then so you can leave and know he isn't in your home.

I'd also tell him its over by text and screenshot your message before blocking him. That way if you ever need to call the police (eg, if he rnters your home without permission), ýou can show them clearly that you told him the relationship was over.

Good luck op. Do let us know how it all pans out. Stay safe!

Thank you all. I’ve spoken to a family member today who has been able to lend me a little so I can get a little run around. I was going to talk to him tonight but he’s not in the best of moods. I feel much happier that I’ve decided to end it once and for all. We have a social worker due to son’s disabilities so I’ve got her ringing tomorrow as she might have a caravan holiday she can sort to get us out the way for a while. But thank you all, it is the perfect time to end it once and for all and cut contact. The police were called 18 months ago when he had to be sectioned so I’m going to contact them to make them aware I’m concerned.
the job will be whatever it is. If I can keep hold of it then great but if not I’ll find another when this is all sorted. Hopefully car shopping should be done soon though. Thank you all

just not sure how to go about it without anyone getting hurt

It's not your responsibility in life to make sure that nobody gets hurt. People want different things, and sometimes being true to ourselves involves someone else having to give up something they want. He's an adult. If he can't deal with the pain life occasionally throws at him, then he needs to take responsibility for himself and get medical/psychological supervision.

In short, there is no way on earth that you can cause his suicide, or even his desire to do it. He is responsible for him, and he could choose any number of options to deal with the news that the relationship is over, including, if he cares at all about your feelings, the option of accepting and respecting your decision. It's only if he doesn't care about your feelings that he'll suggest otherwise to you, and if that's the case, you need to get him out of your life.

Glad to hear you can get another car sorted out.