51 and feel trapped in 20 year marriage

[history]

Hi there
I'm married to a nice but emotionally suppressed man with 2 lovely boys. Life isn't bad but I've been unhappy and felt emotionally unfilled for a long time- 8 years or more. Every time I'm on the verge of leaving something stops me- fear- breaking up the family- the impact on the kids (one of whom is clearly neuro diverse and suffers from emotionally disregulation and other issues) and the other has mock gcses next week and the real thing in June.
Pressing the nuclear button- and it feels like that feels incredibly selfish but then I feel like I've been slowly dying inside for years.
I stopped fancying him a long time ago, we havent had sex for 2 and a half years or shared a bed or bedroom other than when we are away since last April..
He's a kind man but very low key- fairly joyless and often oblivious to me, what I say and my needs.
He doesn't share his feelings or thoughts really- never has done really..I keep asking myself whether I'm expecting too much or questioning that there must be something wrong with me for not bring happy with my lot..I keep trying to try but my heart just isn't in it any more.

Does anyone still fine their partner attractive and exciting and fun after 20 years? Or want to spend time with them? Maybe being with someone kind is the best you can hope for?

There is a LOT to be said for staying with someone kind... however if you want to leave then it's a valid choice.

If there is no desperation I would wait until GCSES are done but start your planning now..

There is a similar thread right now - you might find it interesting too
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4710671-how-do-you-know

From what you have said he doesn't sound kind.

Kind is underated in my opinion, but what people describe as kind on here is often 'not very abusive and sexless'.

Married 20 years here and he's kind to most people, my favourite person and fun to be with. In your situation I'd plan for a post exam separation. You deserve more

This doesn't sound like a marriage, OP, you're just living side by side.

You mention slowly dying inside, and that your heart really isn't in it any more. Those are perfectly valid feelings, and you don't have to be trapped. You can do something about it.

Everything worth having comes at a price, so it won't be easy, but do you really want another 40 years of this?

I said it on the other thread, but will repeat. This is a very common feeling among my friends in the 40-50 category. Only a few couples seem genuinely happy.
Most are sort of struggling along.

And no - I don’t think one can expect to find their partner of 20 years as exciting as you used to. Long term marriage takes work. There is a good book about it ‘Mating in Captivity’ about trying to keep the marriage exciting.

GCSE is the toughest year for kids. Whatever you decide to do - let your son get through exams.

But if DH is
fairly joyless and often oblivious to me, what I say and my needs
then that would definitely explain not finding him attractive, exciting and fun!

It's not just that things need perking up because the novelty's worn off. It's a fundamental lack of interest, respect and joy.

I know a lot of marriages are unhappy, but to be honest I think it's because a lot of people stick together with gritted teeth because it's hard to imagine a different life. We often marry for all kinds of confusing unconscious reasons that gradually change and even evaporate over time.

I think nature has planned it all wrong somehow. It probably happens to everyone, men and women. After a few years people lose interest in their partner, lose interest in sex, and everything that there was to say has been said. There ought to be a way of disengaging gently and painlessly. Maybe a marriage contract that only lasts ten years? In your case you can't carry on like this for the rest of your life. Can you?

It sounds like you both probably see the marriage the same way, it’s over but this life is easier. As you’ve waited 8 years and try and stick it out till after the GCSEs now if you can, and then let each other go.

I'd be pretty joyless if I was married to someone who didn't love me or find me attractive and hadn't had sex with me for 2 and half years.

I'm guessing you have tried to speak to him about your feelings in the past and not got the response you wanted?

I think your marriage sounds done. I'm surprised he has hung around with you feeling as you have for so long, but men do tend to do that. I'm guessing he may be in the same boat as you.

I think if you do decide to stay, for the short or long term, the key is to find your passion and joy elsewhere.
I'm not talking about another relationship, rather a hobby or sport or further education. Something you used to love or always wished you had time to pursue.
Fill your time and your life with something completely selfish just for you that brings you joy. Then re-examine the relationship. Things might look different when you look inwards to find happiness and fulfillment.
I do agree with pps, try to wait until after exams to make any big decisions.

I really don't understand if he has never shared his feelings why do you expect him to suddenly start?

I get you might have changed, want different things but it sounds like you have changed not him.

It might be that you used to get feelings talk from friends going out but as we all age, get busy have no motivation to meet up as much with others you expect your partner now to fill in all those gaps.

Kind is good.
Sex is also good.

Maybe reigniting a physical relationship would kick start the next phase.