Feeling hurt but also think I may be being a selfish brat

[tullytwo]

Going to be vaguish on here as dont want my friend to be recognised.

Basically over last 18 months or so my friend has had breast cancer, masectomy, chemo etc.

I have helped in anyway I can - had her dc weekends after chemo etc.

She was always good at texting me during this period but we rarely met or talked on phone and I didnt want to pressure her.

Anyway things are now much worse and she is basically going to die (feels surreal even typing those words). Her dh has kept me updated by phone all the time so I know what is happening and I have offered help in any form to them. I have sent my bf pressies, cards etc as it helps me to feel connected to her.

My upset is that I feel so shut out by her. she never phones it always her dh and I feel like they perhaps feel badgered into phoning me to get me off their backs iykwim. He called on Saturday to fill me in on the latest and also basically said I wouldnt get to see her til the end of this month at the earliest. I offered to drive her to treatment on Friday but altho I was thanked I know they wont take me up on it.

I told him that I know its selfish but that I just really miss her and would love to see her. I know she is going to stay for half term with a friend who lives a few hours away and has done this thru her treatments but I never get to see her. I just want to help her and her messages to me are always saying that we will meet soon and how much of a friend I am etc etc but then I feel completely shut out. I cant help it it just really hurts. I know she is in communication with this friend (who I dont know) and another girl who I do know who she wasnt that close to before and I feel like a little kid stamping my foot because I want to see her.

I had actually made my mind up to just call round because I thought maybe she felt unable to make a time etc to meet - I'm only asking for half an hour and we call each other best friends and now this has happened I just want to see her. I haven't seen her or spoken to her since this final diagnosis and I am desperate to. It feels unreal until I see her or talk to her. I want to help her and support her but obviously she doesnt want or need that from me does she?

Advice anyone or should I just grow up and stop being selfish?

just go.
She's probably got too much on her mind and is knackered and can't be bothered with civilities.
Just pop round. Little and often. with chocolates or magazines or just good old gossip and keep the mood light and tell her you love her.
If you can keep entertaining her kids from time to time, that will mean a lot to her. Knowing there are people who care for them.
All those feeling you have are tough. Just remember what it's like for her. Don't overwhelm her with your grief.

perhaps she knows you're upset and doesn't want to upset you even more?

I'm afraid it's her choice who she sees and the fact is that if she wanted to see you then she would ask you round. Please please let her do things her way. She knows you are there and will get in touch when/if she wants to. Please don't just turn up, it's not what she wants.

I think you sound a lovely friend, an I'm sure your friend really appreciates all you have done. I don't think it is wrong to feel the way you do, and I I am sure she appreciates all your support and she does still need it.

Don't know if you should go round, ask why you are doing it? Is for you or her? If it is solely for you don't.

Should I just not contact her at all anymore do you think?

I feel like I cant even send her stuff or text her as I may be putting pressure on her or them.

I suppose it hurts because she is still seeing other people but not me even tho we are very close friends. I do understand that she is going through a huge ordeal that I cant fathom but I would never put my grief on her at all. In fact she loved seeing me in the early stages because I treated her normally she said.

No I wouldnt turn up now - was only considering doing it when I hadnt heard from her in so long.

I feel like I have lost her already.

sorry, but i think you should respect her wishes. perhaps you're so close, she feels she can't handle it emotionally to see you face to face.

please hang in there. she knows you're there, but don't force yourself on her. it won't do anyone any good.

text her and ask whether you should back off or continue texting. and then do what she asks.

i'm so so sorry, it must hurt like hell.

If you really think that they feel badgered by you then I think it might be a good idea to write to her and say that if she'd rather you didn't get in touch then you will respect her wishes. I'd be surprised if they do feel badgered, after all you have been a great friend to her. Perhaps they just want to do it all at their own pace. It's so so sad and very hard for you but at least you would then know whether they want to be left alone or whether she just needs to keep you slightly at arms length.

Thankyou all for replying - and being gentle with me - do feel very vulnerable.

It does hurt - a lot and I am mad at myself for indulging my feelings when I know she is going through hell.

I was considering texting her and saying that warthog but the thing is she is no longer replying to my texts - I just get a call from her dh every now and then so I dont know if she is even getting them.

The other thing I wonder is if she has deteriorated very badly - the cancer has reappeared in her brain - and thats why but at the same time Iwould hope that they know me well enough to tell me that.

Think I may ring her dh tonight and just simply ask if I should back off. I did sort of say that I hope they didnt feel pressured into calling etc and he said not at all that they had a few people they liked to keep updated and I was one of them which is great as I know what is happening with her but at the same time its all facts and nothing about her iykwim.

Think a call to her dh is a good idea. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

I hope this has helped you to just put this down.
Of course you will feel like this.
She knows this is hurting you.
Sometimes our "best friends" make us feel more vulnerable
I have had times of severe illness and have felt unable to connect with someone who is otherwise my closest friend and confidant.
It's like their friendship weighs too heavily on me spiritually (that sounds a bit crazy, sorry)
It's so terribly sad for you all

Have you read Before I Say Goodbye by Ruth Picardie. It's a collection of her columns and other writings from when she was dying of breast cancer, with the last section finished off by her husband.

It's generally interesting but one thing that sticks in my mind is her husband's comments about how shut out he felt in her last weeks, and how this seemed to be part of her preparation for imminent death.

I wonder too whether there is an element of her being so ill and changed that she doesn't want you to see her the way she is now. My grandfather was a bit like that when he was dying -- very wary of seeing old friends because he wanted them to remember him as he was before his last months.

Think a call to her husband would be good.
Do you know her mum, sister......maybe they could update you. Maybe husband very down too and wants to keep the cocoon very tight around her. Understandably.

i feel for you and can imagine it must be awful to feel shut out on top of dealing with your own grief over what will be the loss of your friend.

i think perhaps your friend is finding it hard to contact you because you have been so close. it must be so hard and painful for her to deal with the prospect of saying goodbye to you and knowing that you will be devastated by her death. she may also be incapable of thinking how your life with your dc and family etc will continue after she has gone.

not at all same ball park but my BF is emigrating in a month. we are both really upset about it but i am happy for her too. i offered to take a day's holiday so we could spend a day together and she said she didn't want me to waste my annual leave!

i had to get a bit strict and let her know i can't think of a better way to spend a day's holiday when i god knows when we'll see each other again. she feels very guilty to be leaving and i think she is torn between seeing me and not seeing me so not having to face how sad we both are.

think a call to the H is a good idea. be as honest as you can be and give him a chance to give his perspective.

Hi there
I would send her a letter, telling her how you miss talking to her.

That way you are not imposing on her or forcing her to see you, but still letting her know that you are there when ever she wants you to be.

Your post made me feel quite tearful. You sounds like a lovely friend and you've spoken from the heart. I think phoning her husband and capturing the essence of this post may be a good idea, or e mail, if you know she's checking her e mails. Maybe you'll be able to verify that when you speak to her husband and can tell him you're going to e mail her. An e mail like this will probably make her feel teary, but she can read it in privacy and she will then know how much you love and miss her. Maybe when you meet face to face you'll have said what you wanted to say and your face to face meeting can be more upbeat, you could promise this in the e mail, in a light hearted way.

Best of luck, I have had no experience of this kind of situaiton, but it did touch my heart.

yes, i'd call the dh tonight. she's so lucky to have you as a friend. try not to take this personally, she very well may not want you to see how poorly she is.

Well I chickened out of phoning her dh - he intimidates me sometimes - but I did text her to ask if she wanted me to stop contacting her until I heard from her.

I said that it hurt not being able to see her and that I was trying to understand her reasons but that in the menatime if she wanted me to I would cease any contact until I hear from her.

I havent had a reply yet but she may be not getting texts so will write later this week if I still dont hear anything.

I know she is up and down all week getting treatment - journey is a few hours each way. I am still hoping she may take me up on Fridays offer of me driving her but somehow I doubt it.

Thanks again for all your messages they have really comforted me and it has helped to talk about it on here.

My mum's best friend died of colon cancer two years ago. We didn't find out that she was terminally ill until three days before she died (they live in Scotland). She refused to tell anyone - not even her own brothers who live in South Africa.

When we found out, and we only found out because another mutual friend went to visit them and it was obvious that something was wrong, my mum spoke to her dh and he said that he had wanted to tell people but she hadn't wanted them to know, because she had wanted people to remember her the way she was, and hadn't felt able to deal with other people's grief.

It could be that your friend wants you to remember things the way they were, and that the grief of her dh/dc is hard enough for her, without having to contemplate that of her other friends, however much they mean to her, iykwim?

It's hard to be shut out, but ultimately she is the one going through this, and she may simply not feel able to have others be there for her in the way you want to be, because the more people are there for her, doing things for her, the more it confirms to her that this is because of her illness and because of the fact she is going to die.

No I do understand that and I wouldnt feel hurt by that except for the fact that she is seeing other people - even spending weekends away with them.

If she wants me to stay away then I wish she would just tell me that and I will try to to understand and respect that -its the uncertainty and wanting to see her that hurts.

do the people she's staying with have young children? Do you? Perhaps it is calmer to stay with them, perhaps its an escape. I know when my mum had cancer she really didn;t want to see anyone a lot of the time and those she did see were purely for selfish reasons. I think the comment someone made about people beginning to withdraw in the last stages of a terminal illness is very true. Perhaps she is staying with the other freinds because she doesn;t need to confront the reality of what is happening to her.

I can absolutely understand you being upset about it. Keep talking to her husband, keep communication lines open.

Horrible situation for everyone, I'm very sorry.

don;t chicken out of ringing her DH - he must be having a horrible time. He needs to know people are supporting him too.

very good point, kewcumber

This story is similar to something that happened to me at hte end of last year. Although I have to say it was not my best friend - so I can only imagine how hurt you must feel.

Ring her DH, as he needs to know you are still there. And I think as others have said, your DF is probably in a dark place right now, and seeing someone she loves so much in so much pain (she would see it in your eyes you know) would b be a hard thing to bear, on top of what she is already dealing with. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Perhaps you could put together a memory book or something that you can get her DH to give her - it might cheer her up and remind her of happier days. I do agree though, unless she says she would like to see you, it's not a great idea to drop round. Make it clear to her DH that you just want to give her a hug and kiss. This approach worked with my friend, and thank god she did see me (for a very short visit - not even a cup of tea). We lost her shortly afterwards and I hadn't seen her for so long before that.

Thinking of you. And for what it's worth, it sounds like you are being a wonderful friend for her

No they do have young children kew but she is a psychotherapist as well so I think my bf is using her for information and support in a professional capacity as well as a personal one - at least thats what I keep telling myself.

May try and phone just dont want to make everything worse for them and I may be over analysing everything. I just want to see her for whatever amount of time she can spare me but to be told that it may be another month before I can see her is unbearable.