Feeling hurt but also think I may be being a selfish brat

[tullytwo]

Going to be vaguish on here as dont want my friend to be recognised.

Basically over last 18 months or so my friend has had breast cancer, masectomy, chemo etc.

I have helped in anyway I can - had her dc weekends after chemo etc.

She was always good at texting me during this period but we rarely met or talked on phone and I didnt want to pressure her.

Anyway things are now much worse and she is basically going to die (feels surreal even typing those words). Her dh has kept me updated by phone all the time so I know what is happening and I have offered help in any form to them. I have sent my bf pressies, cards etc as it helps me to feel connected to her.

My upset is that I feel so shut out by her. she never phones it always her dh and I feel like they perhaps feel badgered into phoning me to get me off their backs iykwim. He called on Saturday to fill me in on the latest and also basically said I wouldnt get to see her til the end of this month at the earliest. I offered to drive her to treatment on Friday but altho I was thanked I know they wont take me up on it.

I told him that I know its selfish but that I just really miss her and would love to see her. I know she is going to stay for half term with a friend who lives a few hours away and has done this thru her treatments but I never get to see her. I just want to help her and her messages to me are always saying that we will meet soon and how much of a friend I am etc etc but then I feel completely shut out. I cant help it it just really hurts. I know she is in communication with this friend (who I dont know) and another girl who I do know who she wasnt that close to before and I feel like a little kid stamping my foot because I want to see her.

I had actually made my mind up to just call round because I thought maybe she felt unable to make a time etc to meet - I'm only asking for half an hour and we call each other best friends and now this has happened I just want to see her. I haven't seen her or spoken to her since this final diagnosis and I am desperate to. It feels unreal until I see her or talk to her. I want to help her and support her but obviously she doesnt want or need that from me does she?

Advice anyone or should I just grow up and stop being selfish?

it sounds very upsetting but but if she is dying then as a good frined you really have to respect her right to chose how to spend her last months. It doesn't make it selfish of you to be hurt and wish it were different. I'm sure it will be very hard for you to tiptoe the line between being pushy and being "available" but I feel thats what you need to do.

Dealing with your grief is a different matter. I think talking to her DH without burdening him is probably the only sensible option.

hugs for you.

When my mum died (she had breast cancer twice, two mastectomies and treatment but it spread) she was rather like this.

She denied to us (her DD's) that she was dying. About three days before she died and was in hospital I asked her what she wanted me to do with Rupert (her bird!) and she snapped back 'oh, i'm not going to die tomorrow! I've got months left'... She knew alright that she was going soon, just I think not only was she scared she didn't want to see those she loved scared too. It sounds to me that this is your friends coping mechanism and her way of dealing with it all.

All I can say is be there if she needs you or her DH.

You sound like a fab friend to have.