How do you know?

[Questionsandheartache]

How do you know when or if it's the end of the road for a marriage?
How likely is it a marriage can be rebuilt if you feel like you've checked out?

Together 20+ years. Usual ups and downs. Marriage counselling about 7 years ago, things improved. Things have gone further and further downhill over past 3 years.

No infidelity, abuse or other clear cut reason to split.

Sitting here after more sniping and resentful interactions trying to work out what to do.

It feels as though I'm staying because I'm worried about causing trauma to my children, one of whom has MH difficulties already. And because of lots of other things. But none of the reasons for staying seem to be about me loving him or wanting to be with him. Can I get those feelings back?

If we split it will affect everything for ever, from parents' evenings to big life events. But then we don't operate as a family anyway.

I don't know if we could afford to live separately. We'd surely have to sell the house and I don't know how either of us would manage as I don't see how we'd be able to buy two houses and run them.

I'm trying not to think about it but I can't face the disappointment from my parents.

But when I think of spending every day like this (and its been the same for a long time) I just feel crushingly sad and unhappy.

What if it's just depression or hormones that make me feel like this? What if I just shut up and get on with it and wait for things to get better.

Has anyone else been thorough this and things turned around?

I posted and have now read more if your updates.....I would add that he would also need to make the same changes....see a GP and get his hormones checked (especially testosterone as if that decreases with age it can lead to depression) and antidepressants if need be.

It's almost like, right I want to try having a relationship again - this time as being a more complete person without the trauma goggles.
This is exactly what it is! In my case, I got together with my ex-DH after a series of traumas that left me depressed and lonely. He had a rather lugubrious approach to life so we seemed to be on the same wavelength, and I trusted him. However, after nearly 20 years together I began to realise that my essential nature was joyful and lively, whereas his was permanently gloomy.

The grief of (most likely) marrying the wrong person due to the above as hit me hard today. I've read that a lot of people marry the 'wrong person'. I don't regret it totally as I needed stability etc. at the time (and have lovely dc). But I wish I could have started all over again now (late forties), now that I actually know myself a lot better. And now, I'm unlikely to meet anyone to have this different (albeit fantasy) relationship, so the alternative is being alone and thanks to childhood trauma, I would likely struggle with this too. Past trauma seems to be the gift that keeps giving, I can see how I was influenced in my decision making back then. I've got to try and reframe this somehow but right now, the grief feels overwhelming.

So sorry to hear that, @Anneofthegables. But becoming aware of what's influenced our choices in the past helps to free us from those unconscious motives. They exert less power over us once we bring them into the light and can see them for what they are, and an assess whether strategies that once helped us are still relevant and useful or just serve to keep us stuck.

I'd be wary of letting yourself be governed by "now, I'm unlikely to..." thinking. It's pointless, because we have no idea what the future holds. But the future is unlikely to surprise us if we just keep on doing the same old things, especially if those things are tried and tested and proven to make us steadily lose interest in life.

Certainly it's worth not pinning all your hopes on finding "the ideal partner," but at the same time you mustn't rule it out. The best thing is to focus on learning to enjoy life alone, arguably the most important life task we must all accomplish at some point. If you haven't already read/seen them, I'd recommend checking out Eckhart Tolle's books and YouTube videos.

Thanks Alcemeg I think the reason I think like this, is that I have come across several men who are lacking much emotional intelligence and I am becoming increasingly emotionally intelligent. Therapy should come with a warning label as I think it has opened up a whole lot of new insights.

You are right about working on self. This is one area I am working on currently. I just can't get over how these realisations have crept up on me and how the resulting sense of grief has blind sided me.

@Purplelemons123 @MMmomDD they are both really helpful posts, thank you

Thought I'd come back with an update, I really appreciated all the thoughtful responses.

One morning this week I took the dog for a walk, and sobbed my heart out, then came back and told him I couldn't do it any more and that I thought we would have to split up. He was floored (I couldn't believe he hadn't seen the writing on the wall).

Later we talked and he actually managed to talk about his feelings and the way he's been behaving.

Long story short, we're working on it. We're going to get counselling. Obviously it's more complex and I don't know whether it will all have a happy ending. But at least we're giving it another chance.

Ah that sounds tough OP.

He was floored (I couldn't believe he hadn't seen the writing on the wall).
You might need to take this with a tiny pinch of salt. We are all in denial with this sort of thing, especially when we're not the one to instigate change. In retrospect, one day, he will probably recognise what his gut was telling him for years.

Good luck with your negotiations

When I found myself looking at him in distaste more often than not,when he made me cringe,when I didn't flinch in giving my number to someone on a night out.
I ended it the next morning and have never cried for the relationship I just felt relief.

@Questionsandheartache good to hear your update, and I wish you all the best x