Very Pregnant - DP losing temper

[2yellowbananas]

I’m very pregnant (due any day) and DP has lost his temper with me twice in the last few weeks and it has me very concerned about what he will be like when baby is here.

Whilst baby was planned and we have both been very excited, I think overall in his life he is not happy. Particularly work related issues. And no he will not seek help, I have been around in circles with him over this. He had a very bad experience with therapy in his late teens and now trusts no councillor or therapist.

Incident one occurred because I was asking him to either get a new phone or to carry an emergency brick phone - his is SO old that it has failed on him many times and makes getting hold of him when out difficult. This concerns me for when baby is here and I might need to contact him. He refuses. Eventually he snapped and shouted whilst hitting his head saying ‘I just can’t do anything right’ and this scared me.

just now we were talking about bullying. He was bullied in school and said his parents involvement made it worse. So as future parents I asked what he would have had them do differently. I didn’t agree with all of his suggestions which eventually lead to him shouting at me about why he didn’t move school. I was not shouting or being aggressive myself, I thought we were just having a discussion until he snapped.

when he snaps it’s very sudden, I don’t see it coming and it worries me that it might escalate. He has never previously been violent and this seems to be a new behaviour.

weve been together 5 years and I thought we were happy. Now I’m scared that if things are like this now. God knows what he will be like when we are sleep deprived with a newborn.

i don’t really know what I’m asking you, more of a vent I suppose and looking for opinions. Maybe I’m overreacting and imagining the worst but I’m also concerned he can’t control his emotions/reactions and that worries me a lot.

1. The phone - how long has this been going on? Is there a financial reason it's difficult to get a new phone?

1. The traumatic past - don't push him on painful topics fgs.

He is probably low key worried and stressing about becoming a father, worried something will go wrong and he'll lose you, etc. Back off a bit!

1. the phone, well over a year. Yes he can afford one, very comfortably. He doesn’t want Apple/google spies in his pocket. I have offered to buy him a brick phone for emergencies, he also refuses this.
2. we have had plenty of talks about this subject in the past. It’s not new information or a new topic and it was a calm discussion before he snapped.

I hope that you are right and it’s just pre baby jitters, sadly I didn’t realise I was ‘pushing him’ until he snapped/shouted and leered over me.

Does he show any other sign if being paranoid?

Yes but to be clear. I don’t entirely disagree, I don’t worry about it like he does but I’m under no illusions about how much data gets collected from smartphones or where it can go! Hence the brick phone offer, I don’t give a monkeys what kind of phone he has, just that he is contactable in an emergency.

I wasn’t saying he is paranoid but this is a sign he maybe. If there are others things too it could point towards a serious mental health issue.

I appreciate that, I do think he needs help with his mental health and have expressed this more than once. As I said in my original post, it’s a bit of a losing battle because of a very bad experience he had with a therapist before we even knew one another. He does try with regards to his mental health (diet, excercise, writing, regular hobbies and friends etc), but I do think he would benefit from a Professional. Sadly I don’t know if he would ever trust one.

If you think these are new worrying traits, then maybe something is stressing him out? It could be that there's a baby on the way etc. It also not healthy for you to now be stressed out. Perhaps going to a therapy session together? Or seeking support from friends/family? At the end of the day, if it's making you uncomfortable it's best to just address it head on. If he refuses to get help but does things that make you uncomfortable, somewhere there has to be a meeting in the middle otherwise it will ripple and eventually cause a separation.

When you have a newborn and are recovering from giving birth, you will need to be a team with your husband. There will be stressful moments, sleep deprivation and the rest. If you are too scared to talk to him about issues, and he reacts by shouting and hitting himself then you aren't going to be able to work as a team.

The phone stuff is really quite paranoid. The compromise of a non-smart phone is totally reasonable yet he still refuses. That's irrational and unfair.

No doubt the worries about becoming a father are exacerbating his pre-existing issues, but if he won't acknowledge it and try ti deal with it then that's not going to work.

What sort of phone does he have and how is it failing? Is it losing battery or cutting out altogether? Just curious as to why he might prefer what he's got to something new, whether he doesn't see it as unreliable??

Unfortunately pregnancy is a trigger for domestic abuse and is often when it starts;he doesn't need to be physically violent to abuse you.

He's verbally abusing you,raising his voice,making you feel unsafe especially at such a vulnerable time and your already starting to walk on eggshells.

You also can't help someone with mental health issues who isn't willing to help themselves.

You need help&support;please consider contacting women's aid and maybe a mental health charity like mind.

The two possibilities are that he is actually abusive and escalating (as many men do in pregnancy) or he is quite unwell.

Hitting himself in the head in a row is really worrying. Shouting at a pregnancy woman is too. And the paranoia. I suspect you may have a background with some relationships issues because you don't seem as freaked out as I would be.

Be very careful, OP. Pregnancy is often when domestic abuse begins in a relationship. Three in ten women (30%) who are subject to domestic abuse are physically assaulted for the first time when they are pregnant. Link here.

Im surprised by some replies in this thread. There is absolutely no excuse to raise his voice and scare you, ever. I would be hyper vigilant that this did not progress into becoming a common occurrence or escalating.

@maria2bela1 - I’m very open to couples therapy, this could be something that helps him trust a professional again, I encourage him to and he does talk to friends and family as well.

@RoseslnTheHospital - I agree, we need to be a team when baby comes, and up to this point I cannot stress how supportive he has been, he’s done all
the classes, come to a significant proportion of appointments (I have a
complex pregnancy so im in and out of
hospital for monitoring a lot, but he has not been to all of them) and yes it needs to
be addressed before baby comes, just not at 3am after the argument itself -
definitely when we have both slept!

@LucieLemon an iPhone SE I believe, very very old and doesn’t run an up
to date iOS or anything! regularly turns off/ doesn’t ring when calling or messages just don’t show up because of the memory. He clears it out, it works for a bit then the problems start again.

@Duckingella @MrsTerryPratchett @Create10 i know this and hence looking for opinions here - im not against calling someone about it/ seeking help for myself but I also grew up
in what I would consider an actually abusive household (between my parents, both ways) and this isn’t that at this point , but of course I have alarm bells. But I don’t know if I have alarm bells because of where I grew up or If I am over reading into it. Hence why I am here! Until this point this has been a genuinely safe and loving relationship and I have really loved seeing him be excited to be a father - we don’t generally argue and if we do it’s more of a bicker, this is all new behaviour which is why it’s all the more worrying.

But I don’t know if I have alarm bells because of where I grew up or If I am over reading into it.

I think it's more probable that your radar is a little off because you had this life growing up (sorry). Someone hitting themselves in the head is outside what is OK. It's violent. Not to you but the implication is there.

I'm worried about you.

I don't like the sound of his behaviour at all. He scared you. It would definitely scare a baby. Talk to your Midwife and GP. And keep posting here.

The phone thing is ridiculous.

Sounds like he is stressed. Have you talked to him about his angry outburst? Tell him they are not acceptable and you are scared of his behaviour.

Do you have a safe place to go? Might be a go idea to get some time apart to reassess your relationship.

We only know your version of what is happening, people can go 'omg you are being abused' but maybe he does not want to talk as much as you do about things?

He could be abusing you or he could be fed up with you trying to have deep and meaningful conversations

Again we are only getting your version

When things are calm I’d tell him that you’ve been a bit scared of him at times recently and are worried about him. Ask him if he’s worried because of the baby coming. There’s a lot of external pressures for everyone right now with cost of living crisis etc so perhaps that coupled with a new baby is scaring him. Violence is not ok, and yes he’s only hitting himself but it shows he’s lost control. He needs to seek help, or he could lose you and the baby. Don’t stand for abuse, he gets help or he gets out if things escalate

Yes I’d be worried - did he apologise for his behaviour and give an explanation - he needs to learn better coping strategies- is he frugal with money - hence the issue with not replacing his phone?
He saw a therapist and had a bad experience - he needs more therapy of couples counselling- how will he cope with a crying baby that won’t settle after numerous attempts- if you both had difficult childhoods then you can both benefit from counselling- also there used to be numerous parenting classes run by local councils in the past - no harm in asking the midwives/health visitor.
Others are correct re domestic abuse starting during pregnancy and or once baby is here.
He needs strategies for how he can cope when he’s getting angry
Does he take responsibility for arguments/disagreements or is it all your fault?
If it’s all your fault and he blames you this is a red flag.
No harm speaking to womens aid or googling there website.
Well done for posting.

@WandaWonder I am afraid that I don't see the point of your post? It would be an extremely unusual occurrence for us to have more than an OP's version of whatever she is posting about! So we really have to take most Original Posts at face value, and then as a thread progresses, some readers might notice discrepancies in what an OP has been saying - in which case MN management should be contacted, and told, about any concerns.

I am totally accepting at the moment that what @2yellowbananas is telling us is what she at least believes is the truth. I think that in any individual situation most of us are mere humans, and we have not been taught how to see things from another persons point of view. I am an old woman now, and my shear number of passing years has given me lots of chances to learn, and hopefully to experience things in more depth, and with more understanding, which has, also hopefully, led me to being far more empathetic than I was in my early years of adulthood. I readily acknowledge that many/most situations, thoughts, beliefs etc. are not straight cut, simple, or without complex issues, understandings, thought processes.

So yes, on forums like this, rather than being in a real life situation, where we can actually communicate with all concerned parties, we need to at least start by taking what someone is telling us, as the truth, or at least their truth. Many of us will probably simultaneously expect and, or accept, that what an OP is saying might be at least slightly exaggerated, as I believe that it is part of human nature for us to exaggerate at least a little for various - often understandable - reasons.

Some of your exact words to the OP
Wanda, were:

"We only know your version of what is happening, ............. Again we are only getting your version."

Which sounds to me that you are accusing the OP of something intangible, but you are not giving her anything to actually help her. Do you go on to everyones OP on their new threads, and say the same thing? If not, why not? If we all felt like you Wanda, there would be absolutely no point in there being a phenomenon like Mumsnet!

@Guavafish1 id be worried if he wasn’t a bit stressed. But hs maintaining (when things are normal and outside of these two incidents) that he is totally fine about baby and feeling good. I worry is just saying this and stuffing things down then it all comes up when he is frustrated. I mean I’m anxious too, it would be weird if he wasn’t!!
I don’t really have anywhere else I would like to go (my family are far, his family are not who I would go to). I currently do not feel unsafe here but I have people I could go to if I needed to. He is working outside the house today so a good opportunity to cool off on his part and think things over on mine.

@WandaWonder perhaps an element of this, although I would just say that he was the one who brought up his past and was talking at length about it before I asked what he might change re. His parents involvement. He Is not afraid of these topics per se. These incidents were several weeks apart and we discuss a lot of other things that would be considered deep and meaningful without incident. Including my past.

@Zanatdy planning in talking to him later if he is calm, he does need to sort this out now but I’m going to give him a fair opportunity to think on it calmly first.

@Whydidimarryhim he apologised after last time and yes verbally agreed that his reaction wasn’t healthy and that he needed to work on his mental health/ coping strategies. Although he hasn’t taken further action on this. In terms of my past I have had plenty of therapy etc and my mental health is in a good place - however couples therapy is something I would gladly try. Any suggestions on things to say to convince him to try?

we have also done parenting classes together, throughout these I saw no indication of any issue. Compared to other couples he seemed like one of the most well informed and supportive partners. which is why things like this are all the more concerning.

he apologised after last time and yes verbally agreed that his reaction wasn’t healthy and that he needed to work on his mental health/ coping strategies

That's a positive at least. Anger/rage can be due to MH or as a means of control. It's important to validate your feelings (ignore the poster who attempted to blame you).

His childhood abuse could be triggered by having a new baby. Most people feel protective of a new baby so when they review their own childhood it makes the abuse they endured even more baffling.

What is the financial situation?

Late pregnancy is a tricky time
and it sounds like you are both very anxious

and you understandably have nothing to give

but it does sound like the advent of a child is bringing up his trauma too

shit timing ! But there we are

right now YOU need to be calm
and your heavily pregnant and probably all over the place

right now I’d park his trauma
you’ve got a heavy few months ahead

but focus on feeling love and calm and breathing

but first time parenting is tough for a couple and it’s feasible that his trauma will pop up now

so the time you need him the most
he’s the most triggered

this can be how it goes sadly

maybe cut each other some slack
acknowledge emotions are fraught

and agree to strike when the iron is cold and focus on calm mummy for the baby

he is going to have to acess his past
but when you are 40 weeks pregnant maybe isn’t the best time