Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner left me at 20 weeks pregnant and has someone new already

37 replies

Mum2beandalone · 02/01/2023 00:46

This is a first on here so please dont judge. I am now nearly 26 weeks pregnant. I was with my ex partner for over a year. We had a fall out over him waking me up when i was tired in a playful way. But i was that out of it i shouted at him. He then left 2 days later because i didnt applogise but he wouldnt speak to me. Within a week if that he was with somone else. Obviously i was left heart broken but hes not coming back. He went from saying he loved me one night to nothing. He says he wants to be in our babies life and i want to do whats right for her. But everytime i try and be right with him he just seems to rub it in my face telling me hes happy with someone new. Then messaging me happy christmas and telling me he does still care. Its so hard because i love him and want him back. I just find the hurt to much to be around him to work together for our baby.

I dont know if i am being selfish cutting him out altogether. Or i should give him that chance to be a dad and keep the hurt to one side. He already has a child he does not see because he didnt stick around to fight for him and walk away from the mother.

OP posts:
itreallyhastostop · 02/01/2023 00:58

No, sorry, this isn't a man who is worth anything...already can't be bothered to see one of his children and I bet he doesn't pay any maintenance to the mother. Now got a girlfriend who he has been with for less than a year pregnant but has run off at the first possible opportunity to be with someone else. But wants to keep you where he wants so messages you that he still cares . Ugh! Have some self respect and don't allow him back. Offer him a chance to be in your baby's life if you want to but don't put him on the birth certificate and don't be surprised if he fucks off after a few months and never gives you a penny of maintenance.

Workinghardeveryday · 02/01/2023 01:02

Throw this one back, up your standards!!

He is a twat. You can do way better - seriously!!!

Original poster
Mum2beandalone · 02/01/2023 01:04

Im not putting him on the birth certificate or asking him for anything. I know i should cut him out of the babies life all together because its best for me and my little girl. Hes twisting everything saying im using the child to get at him and im mentally abusing him and silly me has got myself that low with hormones on top of the hurt. I am just questioning myself all the time. Am i doing the right thing.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 02/01/2023 01:15

You’ll have to grow up very quickly now and start thinking about your baby.
(I wont be commenting on the madness of having a baby with someone you barely knew, save for the fact he already abandoned one baby before.)

So - from now on you need to focus on how you’ll be raising this child on your own. He was always unlikely to stay around anyway. So - start preparing for single motherhood. Hopefully you have a family that can help you as it isn’t easy.

Sunshinegirl82 · 02/01/2023 01:17

You've got 3 months until baby arrives, I don't think you need to make any permanent decisions right now.

I can't see that there is anything to communicate about for now and clearly the communication you are having isn't helpful.

I would cut all communication unless necessary and tell him you will provide updates about the baby in due course. Then stop communication completely unless there is something medical/baby related you actually need to tell him. Ie "saw midwife today, all well with me and baby".

Nearer the time you can consider things a bit further but his history isn't great so I'd prepare to be a single parent and proceed on that basis. If when baby is born he shows up, is willing to co-parent etc then fine, you can work on that, propose sensible access etc and see what happens.

Register for maintenance with CMS as soon as baby is born.

Pinkbonbon · 02/01/2023 01:25

Hate to say it but it sounds like he was cheating on you and used the argument as an excuse to leave you and make you feel it was partly your fault.

I'd tell him you want no further contact until the baby arrives, at which point you'll be in touch regarding contact and maintenance. Then once he's read that, block him on everything. You don't need this tit in your life whilst preparing for a baby.

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 02/01/2023 01:26

Oh bloody hell. Why do women get pregnant with losers like this? Sorry OP- I appreciate that the ship has sailed now but what were you thinking of having a baby with a man who had already abandoned one?

MMMarmite · 02/01/2023 01:37

I'm so sorry this has happened. Ask him for a bit of space to get your head straight, there's no rush to decide everything right now. If he cannot respect even that, then I would think you're better off without him involved, as he will just be screwing with your mental stability all the time.

First focus on the baby and make a plan how to cope on your own, since he can't be relied upon. Then later decide whether to let him in.

If you don't mind saying, how old are you? Are you able to cope financially? Do you have family and friends who can give support?

Original poster
Mum2beandalone · 02/01/2023 01:47

You are all so right and have not said anything i have not already said to myself. I am actually 38 with kids already that me and my ex from a 10 year relationship co parent really well.
Yes at 38 i should have my shit together by now. I do work full time aswell. But i fell for a prick clearly who said all the right things at the time. I maybe shouldnt have got pregnant to him but i dont regret it and cant wait to meet her.

The man or not man has messed me up and im the idiot for letting him. I dont want anything from him. I just needed to hear what others views where that dont know either of us.
I am not one for hurting anybody, i just dont want to let my child down by depriving her of a dad. But then i dont want to give her a dad that is going to let her down.

I am just unsure of what is the right thing to do. With my head all over the place at the moment.

OP posts:
Bigbadfish · 02/01/2023 01:53

If he wants a relationship with his child you don't have the power to stop him. But as you were already aware of the quality of his parenting before her conception this is unlikely going to be an issue.

SunflowerTed · 02/01/2023 01:54

Yes at 38 you maybe should have chosen a better father for your poor daughter to be !

Iflyaway · 02/01/2023 01:57

Sorry you are going through this OP. It hurts, I know.

He says he wants to be in our babies life and i want to do whats right for her. But everytime i try and be right with him he just seems to rub it in my face telling me hes happy with someone new. Then messaging me happy christmas and telling me he does still care.

He's messing with your mind. He's already abandoned one child, so I would go for this as a single parent.

I am one myself and it's so much easier than having some dick father around that just blows hot and cold. It will also be much better for the stability of your child - and your other kids.

Who needs the drama? Or an unreliable man taking up your head space, trying to figure him out day to day.

Personally, I would never entertain a man who thinks it's o.k, to abandon the pregnant mother of his child. It shows total immaturity and selfishness.

Original poster
Mum2beandalone · 02/01/2023 02:04

SunflowerTed · 02/01/2023 01:54

Yes at 38 you maybe should have chosen a better father for your poor daughter to be !

Yes ive already told myself this and thats my mistake. But she wont be a poor daughter she will be loved and looked after as she should be. Everyone makes mistakes and he was mine. He spun a good tail and i foolishly believed it. He was good with my other children and came across like he really regretted losing out on being a dad to his other child from years ago. But clearly he doesnt because he is doing it all again. More fool me yes i know.

OP posts:
MMMarmite · 02/01/2023 02:06

Mum2beandalone · 02/01/2023 01:47

You are all so right and have not said anything i have not already said to myself. I am actually 38 with kids already that me and my ex from a 10 year relationship co parent really well.
Yes at 38 i should have my shit together by now. I do work full time aswell. But i fell for a prick clearly who said all the right things at the time. I maybe shouldnt have got pregnant to him but i dont regret it and cant wait to meet her.

The man or not man has messed me up and im the idiot for letting him. I dont want anything from him. I just needed to hear what others views where that dont know either of us.
I am not one for hurting anybody, i just dont want to let my child down by depriving her of a dad. But then i dont want to give her a dad that is going to let her down.

I am just unsure of what is the right thing to do. With my head all over the place at the moment.

You know what, in a way it's good that you are 38. I know it's embarassing, but you are an experienced parent with a full time job, so it sounds like you can raise this child okay whatever happens. There are a fair few women who choose this path deliberately in their late 30s, albeit typically not with existing kids.

He sounds like a complete dick, so I would make sure you don't rely on him for anything. But if he wants to be involved and is able to behave appropriately and reliably, it might be easier to have that, and better for the child to know their father? I think you could use the next few months to learn what he's like when he's not in sweet-talking mode, like can he respect clearly-stated boundaries, does he stick to agreements.

The fact that he's saying that you're mentally abusing him sounds like he might be quite manipulative, if he continues in that direction and it wasn't just a heat-of-the-moment thing i think it's a very bad sign.

MMmomDD · 02/01/2023 02:15

38, and you already have kids.

In your place - I’d be more focused on protecting your new baby. There is only a very slim chance that he will want to be involved anyway, irrespective of what he says. You do understand that, right?

If you don’t need his CMS payments - don’t put him on the birth certificate. This way - he’ll actually have to make some effort if he wants to be properly involved. He will need to apply to court to get onto the birth certificate - which isn’t a bad thing.
If he actually saw the light and he wants to be a father - then he can prove it by doing the right thing - being involved and helpful when the baby arrives. Leave it in his court - you don’t need to be making any big decisions. Just leave it to him to contact you if he wants to be involved.
While you try to refocus your mind from this fantasy (train wreck) and on your existing kids and soon a new baby.

Rainbowqueeen · 02/01/2023 02:25

I’d have no further contact with him until the baby is born.
Then send him a factual text saying Baby is here and healthy weighing x. As you would be aware, the most appropriate contact arrangements for a young baby are little and often. Please let me know what you propose

Then claim cms and let him contact you to arrange contact visits. My feeling is that you won’t hear from him and that this is probably best for your baby as unreliable Disney dads are not good for kids. Remember a decision to have no contact would be his choice. You’re clearly going to be a loving mum and your DD will be just fine.

Duckingella · 02/01/2023 03:00

Look folks;stop giving the OP a hard time;she's already acknowledged she's made a mistake dating and falling pregnant by Billy Bellend and now she wants to move forward and is venting because she's pregnant,alone and has been treated badly by this A-hole.

OP the chances are he doesn't want the responsibility of a baby and was already sniffing around if not already involved with the new woman before he ended it;he was just looking for an excuse.

You say you want nothing from him but please at least file a CMS claim;your baby deserves financial support at least.

HirplesWithHaggis · 02/01/2023 03:12

MMmomDD · 02/01/2023 02:15

38, and you already have kids.

In your place - I’d be more focused on protecting your new baby. There is only a very slim chance that he will want to be involved anyway, irrespective of what he says. You do understand that, right?

If you don’t need his CMS payments - don’t put him on the birth certificate. This way - he’ll actually have to make some effort if he wants to be properly involved. He will need to apply to court to get onto the birth certificate - which isn’t a bad thing.
If he actually saw the light and he wants to be a father - then he can prove it by doing the right thing - being involved and helpful when the baby arrives. Leave it in his court - you don’t need to be making any big decisions. Just leave it to him to contact you if he wants to be involved.
While you try to refocus your mind from this fantasy (train wreck) and on your existing kids and soon a new baby.

She can't put his name on the birth certificate unless he's with her to register the birth, they're not married. Or do you mean, "Don't give the child his last name"? Either way, even without his name on the birth certificate, she can go to CMS. He can then ask for a DNA test to prove his paternity, or if he refuses such a test, CMS will assume he is dad and mum can set the appropriate wheels in motion.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 02/01/2023 08:20

He spun a good tail and i foolishly believed it

Brilliant Freudian slip there! Everyone has said everything, and you sound like a responsible and committed mum so this little girl will be lucky to have you. Don't think of your baby as a mistake, but he's definitely one. He's a waste of space. Good luck for your jerk free future without him and with your family. Your other children will love their new little sister. Happy New Year.
.

TurtleTriplets · 02/01/2023 08:59

I think you should stop communicating with him for now. Tell him you will be in touch when the baby is born and then block all contact.

Spend the next 3 months getting your head together and getting stronger.

Think about a contact schedule that works for you, an hour or so at first while baby is tiny and a plan to build it up from there.

I am pretty sure he won't stick to it and will be off after the first few weeks but you owe it to your daughter to at least try and enable that relationship.

savethatkitty · 02/01/2023 09:12

He sounds like a winner. Get rid of him & do not look back

SuperHandss · 02/01/2023 09:31

You have three months to go and no reason to communicate with him until the baby arrives so stop.

Original poster
Mum2beandalone · 02/01/2023 09:31

Your all right and onwards and upwards. Hes not worth it. This little girl deserve the world and will have it with or without. She was not a mistake but he was. Lesson well learnt. Thankyou for all your comments

OP posts:
Greenfairydust · 02/01/2023 09:53

He is not worth your time or energy. Cut him out of your life and focus on your child.

If you stay in contact you will have a lifetime of him causing issues and letting you and your daughter down.

I am also curious as to what kind of woman would start seeing a man who just abandoned his pregnant partner...vile all around.

Original poster
Mum2beandalone · 02/01/2023 10:00

Greenfairydust · 02/01/2023 09:53

He is not worth your time or energy. Cut him out of your life and focus on your child.

If you stay in contact you will have a lifetime of him causing issues and letting you and your daughter down.

I am also curious as to what kind of woman would start seeing a man who just abandoned his pregnant partner...vile all around.

Yes i am kinda of curious to who would get with someone who has a child on the way. Maybe hes met someone just like him and will get what he deserves.

OP posts: