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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My partner left me at 20 weeks pregnant and has someone new already

37 replies

Mum2beandalone · 02/01/2023 00:46

This is a first on here so please dont judge. I am now nearly 26 weeks pregnant. I was with my ex partner for over a year. We had a fall out over him waking me up when i was tired in a playful way. But i was that out of it i shouted at him. He then left 2 days later because i didnt applogise but he wouldnt speak to me. Within a week if that he was with somone else. Obviously i was left heart broken but hes not coming back. He went from saying he loved me one night to nothing. He says he wants to be in our babies life and i want to do whats right for her. But everytime i try and be right with him he just seems to rub it in my face telling me hes happy with someone new. Then messaging me happy christmas and telling me he does still care. Its so hard because i love him and want him back. I just find the hurt to much to be around him to work together for our baby.

I dont know if i am being selfish cutting him out altogether. Or i should give him that chance to be a dad and keep the hurt to one side. He already has a child he does not see because he didnt stick around to fight for him and walk away from the mother.

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 02/01/2023 10:03

You and your baby don’t need this deadbeat in your lives, nor do your other DC. I’d give his details to the CMS, though, as your baby deserves that income.

Please ignore people pointlessly saying you shouldn’t have got pregnant. Like they’ve all lived wise and perfect lives! Best of luck, OP.

NotBloodyCovid · 02/01/2023 10:03

SunflowerTed · 02/01/2023 01:54

Yes at 38 you maybe should have chosen a better father for your poor daughter to be !

Not helpful. Seriously?? Talk about kicking someone when they are down.
Op, you sound like a lovely sensible person. You can do this. Hope it all works out for you. 💐

Bigbadfish · 02/01/2023 10:29

@Mum2beandalone and I've always been curious who would get with a man who has already abandoned a child.

The truth is there's one born every minute. You were her once.

JFDIYOLO · 02/01/2023 10:39

Repeat this regularly:

'What an utter waste of space.

It's not me - it's him.

He is a manipulative, gaslighting coercive controller.

He has already got one woman pregnant and left her holding the baby.

He almost certainly didn't meet the current woman immedately after leaving me pregnant - he already had her lined up.

He will probably get her pregnant too.

He is now trying to control and manipulate me from a distance by trying to confuse and make me doubt myself.

There is something wrong with him - not me.

Thankfully I'm a mature woman with an income and experience as a mother, not an inexperienced dependant young girl.

He is just the sperm donor - and doesn't get to live in my head rent free.'

Keep telling yourself all this - it will take time if you're battling a mass of anger, shock, sadness, confusion, 'was-it-me?' guilt, fear and pregnancy hormones.

Restrict communications to one channel, formal email is best as you can keep all he writes as evidence.

Ignore all attempts to manipulate and DARVO you - keep everything factual and formal.

Don't get into text threads. They can get messy and spatty.

Remove any social media connections - the fewer channels he has to you the better.

You don't have to answer the phone.

Ring doorbell, in case he turns up.

Find out about child support. He has responsibilities, he will also probably have rights - and so do you. And your baby.

Kazzaka · 10/03/2023 21:53

So this is my first time posting. I just need some words of encouragement really.
I met my ex in 2020 in between lock downs. We got on so well and 4 months later were together officially. We fell pregnant 2 months later but we were not trying just weren't being careful. I kept the baby even though we were both shocked. On the day of my 12 week scan my dad died. It was a very stressful time to say the least. I had the baby 6 months after my dad died. Then when my baby was 2 months old my mum got lung cancer and passed away 9 months later. Anyway fast forward 8 months later and my partner out of the blue leaves me. He said he just sees me as a friend. He has since turned so cold on me and doesn't cafe he has ruined a family. My daughter is 19 months. I'm totally crushed and don't know what to do. He's gone and it hurts like he'll.

Bananalanacake · 11/03/2023 08:58

You need to start a new thread,

Thistlelass · 11/03/2023 23:15

My view - and it likely will not be popular- is that you should aim to do everything you can to encourage him to come on board as your daughter's father. This could maybe include mediation with a view to making the arrangements. There are a lot of very bitter women on here and you can't afford to make your choices/decisions based on their ideas. No. The way to go is to have a clear expectation he will be their for your child and take steps to make that happen. Good luck.

AaaaaandBreathe · 12/03/2023 18:49

Kazzaka · 10/03/2023 21:53

So this is my first time posting. I just need some words of encouragement really.
I met my ex in 2020 in between lock downs. We got on so well and 4 months later were together officially. We fell pregnant 2 months later but we were not trying just weren't being careful. I kept the baby even though we were both shocked. On the day of my 12 week scan my dad died. It was a very stressful time to say the least. I had the baby 6 months after my dad died. Then when my baby was 2 months old my mum got lung cancer and passed away 9 months later. Anyway fast forward 8 months later and my partner out of the blue leaves me. He said he just sees me as a friend. He has since turned so cold on me and doesn't cafe he has ruined a family. My daughter is 19 months. I'm totally crushed and don't know what to do. He's gone and it hurts like he'll.

Hi, so sorry to hear about your situation Flowers

If you go to the top of this thread, click on Start new thread and copy and paste your post there.

PooHeads · 12/03/2023 18:52

MMmomDD · 02/01/2023 01:15

You’ll have to grow up very quickly now and start thinking about your baby.
(I wont be commenting on the madness of having a baby with someone you barely knew, save for the fact he already abandoned one baby before.)

So - from now on you need to focus on how you’ll be raising this child on your own. He was always unlikely to stay around anyway. So - start preparing for single motherhood. Hopefully you have a family that can help you as it isn’t easy.

”I won’t be commenting on the madness of having a baby with someone you barely knew…”

Except you just did didn’t you?

Kazakat · 12/03/2023 18:55

I've started a new thread now xxx

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/05/2023 21:22

Hi, first of all, people leaving mean judge comments- how cruel to talk to a pregnant woman like this, she doesn’t have a Time Machine. I have screen shotted the kinder comments though.
i wish I’d read your post at the time you posted, I had also just been left in similar circumstances (he picked a fight and it was all my fault that he was forced to leave as I was so awful etc etc, he changed when I was pregnant and had previously been head over heels in love with me. Also a lockdown romance! Also a cherry merry Xmas message as if I had anything to feel merry about!) My baby was born in January, have you had yours yet? I didn’t put him on the birth certificate as I didn’t want to give him equal parental rights and control over me - he is visiting regularly which to be honest is so so hard as I don’t want to see him, but for my baby’s sake I want them to have a relationship. I also think talking to a counsellor has helped me understand what is true, what is gaslighting, what is and isn’t my fault, etc. she said ‘you can only make judgements on the evidence you have at the time, and the evidence you had was that he loved you and wanted a family with you.’ That’s the same for you! Honestly I don’t know why some people have been so mean on this thread.

Mum2beandalone · 16/05/2023 13:12

Unexspectedlysinglemum i have private messaged you

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