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Original poster

Being an introvert and moving in with boyfriend!

34 replies

Changeable3 · 01/01/2023 21:31

Hi all,

Just wanted to come on here for advice! Me and my boyfriend have some tentative plans to move in together in the coming year. However, I worry that (as a very extreme introvert who needs lots of time alone to recharge) I won’t get enough time alone. Whenever we’re together, he sticks to my side like glue, and I feel awful if I suggest I go for a walk alone, or just go and read by myself for a bit. Or when we get in bed together, sometimes I just want to retreat into my own world and read a book, which he doesn’t understand. We’ve already had problems surrounding his need for sex 24/7, and he’s expressed disappointment with (my suggested) schedule of sex on average 3x per week. Within a week with him, I feel like I’m going insane, having to always “entertain” someone else.
I know I sound really selfish, but I do really need a lot of time just by myself. How do other introverts navigate this problem?

OP posts:
CousinKrispy · 01/01/2023 21:35

It's definitely different as an introvert to find that recharge time to yourself. This is even more true if you have kids and there are some good articles online about the specific challenges of parenting while introverted.

Sorry, I don't really have great advice for you ATM as my current partner is a fellow introvert!

Bottom line is that a partner in a healthy relationship needs to accept who you are and understand that different isn't wrong. Compromise is part of relationships, but you still need to be accepted for who you are at your core.

Don't stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't do that.

CousinKrispy · 01/01/2023 21:36

*difficult, not different!

C1N1C · 01/01/2023 21:36

I'm waiting for the (justifiable) onslaught from all the ladies in here with regards to his expectations.

I agree with the undoubtedly forthcoming comments that he sounds controlling and a bit if a sex pest.

#grabs popcorn#

CousinKrispy · 01/01/2023 21:37

Sorry, one more thing. The two of you just don't sound compatible, the more I read your post! There's nothing selfish about recognising that you are too different and moving on.

Redberries85 · 01/01/2023 21:37

He doesn’t sound like the right character for you to move in with and the pushiness for sex is a red flag. I’m introvert and that sounds very overwhelming

Triffid1 · 01/01/2023 21:38

No, this won't work. As an introvert, moving.in with now-dh was a relief.... before that, when he was at mine or I was at his it felt like we had to be together or.doing stuff all the time. Moving in together, in a home with his space and mine, made a huge difference.

If he is needy and wants lots of attention and time together (and sex) you are simply not.compatible. do not move in together.

blueshoes · 01/01/2023 21:40

When you say 'stick to your side', do you mean he is very clingy? Does he rely on you to recharge his batteries. Can you both sit in companionable silence or does he keep talking (nightmare for introvert who needs down time).

As for 3x per week not being enough, that just sounds like a sex pest and not one you would invite to your home voluntarily.

ButterflyOil · 01/01/2023 21:41

Well you have two problems in terms of moving in with him - firstly the extreme introversion which would make it hard with anyone when sharing space and a bedroom etc. I’m this way myself and would not live with a partner again, or if I did only if I had my own bedroom. I need my little space that’s just mine.

Your much bigger problem is him being so clingy and a sex pest. Why would you want to live with this man? How do you think you’d handle living with him all the time of one week is enough to drive you crazy?

QueenofLouisiana · 01/01/2023 21:42

I announce that I am going for a bath. No one disturbs my bath. I use this time to read and recover. I do this less now as we’ve been married 23 years so he understands that I go to bed early to read.

NotLactoseFree · 01/01/2023 21:43

Sil isn't even an introvert but moving in with a man who wanted to be together all the time was a disaster. Suddenly she couldn't go to the gym, meet up with friends, watch anything on TV that they couldn't watch together.

I think the straw that broke the camels back on their relationship was when she had a single day at home alone, settled in front of tv with a Christmas movie.... and he came home from work because they said he didn't absolutely need to be there and he thought, "oh, in that case, I will go home and hang with dp". He couldn't give her ONE day (and he knew how much she had been looking forward to it).

blueshoes · 01/01/2023 21:44

I am pretty introverted on every personality test I was forced to do. When my dh moved in, the fact that he could sit on his own and read and watch TV was nice. He is much more extroverted than me but he also enjoys his own company so it works well. We are both the sort of people that if you gave us a book or a smartphone/laptop, we could be plonked anywhere and be perfectly content for long periods.

pictoosh · 01/01/2023 21:45

I'm not an introvert as such but I wouldn't want him. Sounds clingy and demanding. He'll also expect sex on tap and be offended when you don't want to be his live-in wank sock.
Rethink lovely, sorry.

FfaCoffi · 01/01/2023 21:46

I'm an extrovert and I'd hate to live with someone who pestered me for sex, never left my side or didn't understand reading.

He sounds like a nightmare, red flags waving wildly.

Ask yourself, would you treat anyone like this? Of course not. And why not? Because you are a decent human being. He is not.

Please don't make excuses for him. He's showing you who he is before you move in. Believe him, and run.

He doesn't recognise your needs as important and I'd bet he never will.

He sounds a bit like my ex. He turned out to be an abusive arsehole.

Lovemusic33 · 01/01/2023 21:48

I am like you OP. I like my own space and my own company, I couldn’t deal with living with someone after being in my own for almost 7 years. I am dating someone, I enjoy seeing him twice a week but that’s enough for me 😬. I think I would really struggle with much more that that.
If he doesn’t understand your need for space I don’t think it’s going to work.

piedbeauty · 01/01/2023 21:54

Don't move in with him!! He's already putting his wants higher than yours, and he's not listening when you tell him what you want and need.

He should be. Don't put up with this.

Runnerduck34 · 01/01/2023 21:54

I need space too, it can be difficult if your partner sees it as a rejection, I think you have to explain it like you did here.
I used to get in from work and lock the bathroom door, have a bath and read a book. It was my routine so I got time alone each day.
You could also try building in a walk at the start or end of your working day. It does take some adjustment but you are both entitled to a bit of time to yourself.
Do either of you have your own place right now? Could you do a trial run without either of you giving up your current homes ?
Slightly concerned about the sex comment and him being glued to your side, don't feel pressurised to do anything so go slowly.

NotAnotherBathBomb · 01/01/2023 21:56

I can't believe this has to be said, but don't move in with him

Lcb123 · 01/01/2023 22:00

Sorry but you do sound quite incompatible. I’m introverted and need alone time, but so does my DH and we will happily do separate things whilst both at home, like watch TV in different rooms. But we completely understand this is beneficial to our marriage

TheShellBeach · 01/01/2023 22:03

Why are you even considering moving in with a controlling sex pest, OP?

Sunnytwobridges · 01/01/2023 22:05

Even if you take out the fact that you’re an introvert he sounds overly clingy and like a huge sex pest. I wouldn’t move in with him based on that alone.

my ex was very similar and with me being a big introvert he couldn’t understand why I needed down time alone. He expected that I would want to spend any down time with him as he always wanted to spend his with me. We were very incompatible and this is one of the reasons why he’s an ex.

gamerchick · 01/01/2023 22:06

You'll be miserable if you move in with this bloke OP.

Newusernameaug · 01/01/2023 22:10

Boundaries and good clear communication - and it sounds like he’s already not listening to you!

UsingChangeofName · 01/01/2023 22:11

Not wanting to be pestered for sex 24 / 7 is nothing to do with being an introvert.
Not wanting someone attached to your side 24/7 also has nothing to do with you being an introvert
Not wanting to be with someone who doesn't understand that you are two individuals who will sometimes do things together, and sometimes apart, alone or with other people has nothing to do with you being an introvert.
Not wanting to be with someone who doesn't respect that your needs at times are different from hi is nothing to do with being an introvert.

The question is why would you be thinking about moving in with someone who irritates the heck out of you when you spend a couple of days together ? Confused

watcherintherye · 01/01/2023 22:16

Don’t do it. You’re not compatible. It won’t work. It won’t work for you, anyway.

pictoosh · 01/01/2023 22:19

UsingChangeofName · 01/01/2023 22:11

Not wanting to be pestered for sex 24 / 7 is nothing to do with being an introvert.
Not wanting someone attached to your side 24/7 also has nothing to do with you being an introvert
Not wanting to be with someone who doesn't understand that you are two individuals who will sometimes do things together, and sometimes apart, alone or with other people has nothing to do with you being an introvert.
Not wanting to be with someone who doesn't respect that your needs at times are different from hi is nothing to do with being an introvert.

The question is why would you be thinking about moving in with someone who irritates the heck out of you when you spend a couple of days together ? Confused

This this this. All of this.

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