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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am i a horrible person?

42 replies

lacey79 · 01/01/2023 19:47

In late nov/early dec i started talking to a new man via OLD. Due to work commitments and preplanned family visits over Christmas we hadnt been able to meet in person quickly so spent alot of time messaging. We had a lot of similarities and got on great. The conversation was intelligent and interesting, as well as quite personal about our lives and past issues. We seemed very compatible and laughed alot along side the deeper chats. So we arranged to meet for a coffee.

When we met it was immediately obvious he was ND. He couldnt hold eye contact and was very loud and dominant in the conversation - to the point everyone in the shop would have been able to hear what he was talking about. Every time i said something he disagreed with he spoke over me and listed all the reasons i was wrong. He controlled the entire conversation about himself. He is also of Indian decent, and whilst his ethnicity makes no difference to me, when he was telling me why he dislikes big bang theory he very loudly did an indian accent but exaggerated like a mockery of it, so loudly people were looking over, and i wanted the ground to swallow me up. He also moved his chair and was touching me constantly which i dislike and said i wasnt into public displays in out many chats. But he did it without looking at me just randomly touching me where he could reach. As we left he grabbed me pushed me into a wall and stuck his tongue down my throat and it took a second for me to pull back. I then instantly made excuses and left and came home. This was a couple of days ago.

Since then hes text me loads. About 20 separate times. His first message read "how long has it been since u had a make out session like that?" And honestly that message alone made my skin crawl so much ive not opened the chat to read the rest. I've completely ghosted.

Ghosting is not something ive ever done before, ive always said "thanks for meeting me for coffee, i had fun but cant see it going further, good luck in your search, take care" but i dont feel even able to do that in this situation.

This is about him being ND as such, its how different we are in person and my personal boundaries, but i cant tel him thats why i dont want to continue talking to him without seeming like a terrible person - or am i just a terrible person for ghosting?

OP posts:
Anotheryear23 · 01/01/2023 19:49

I think you should tell him clearly you don’t want to see him again. Be polite and just use a general excuse.

Jinglecrunch · 01/01/2023 19:50

No, he repeatedly overstepped your boundaries. Block and delete, you have my 100% yanbu to ghost this one

pilates · 01/01/2023 19:52

You definitely did the right thing. He sounds mentally unstable.

Mamette · 01/01/2023 19:53

Just block him and move on, it doesn’t matter whether he is ND or not, that is completely irrelevant. Sounds like he practically assaulted you so block. Hope you are ok.

whatwhhat · 01/01/2023 19:54

In an ideal world he would know what he did wrong. However I don't think in this instance you're wrong to ghost him. My skin is crawling for you. You don't owe him anything and it's not your job to educate him on the basics

Emmamoo89 · 01/01/2023 19:55

Just tell him you don't want to see him again

Happiestwithtea · 01/01/2023 19:55

Mamette · 01/01/2023 19:53

Just block him and move on, it doesn’t matter whether he is ND or not, that is completely irrelevant. Sounds like he practically assaulted you so block. Hope you are ok.

This.

Don't overthink this.

dolor · 01/01/2023 19:55

"Your behaviour in person was not what I was expecting, I don't see us working." Then block.

Dotcheck · 01/01/2023 19:56

Definitely end things properly. Tell him, and then block him.

2Hot2Handle · 01/01/2023 19:57

Sounds like you’ve done something sensible, by not responding. Your date ended in sexual assault from your description and sounds like you’ve experienced some trauma from that and the encounter in general. You’re also sensing that trying to point out what happened would result in aggression and denial on his part.

You’re under no obligation to say anything to him, but if you want to close it off and avoid him chasing, you could say, that you’re not interested in seeing him again. Otherwise, block him and move on.

Workawayxx · 01/01/2023 19:57

I’d just tell him tbh, a sanitised version of the truth - “we are very different people and I don’t think we are right for each other…” or similar. Then get ready to block if he starts arguing about it. the ghosting will make you feel worse in the long run imo. It sounds a very stressful and traumatic date though so I really feel for you.

Pashazade · 01/01/2023 19:59

I would say be explicit that you do not want to carry on seeing him. Be blunt, I suspect he will not accept it if you phrase it too politely.
So
Dear x
Your behaviour in person was not acceptable. I do not wish to see you again or be in contact with you in any way.
Lacey

Then block!

Lenald · 01/01/2023 19:59

What’s ND

StrikeItMucky · 01/01/2023 20:03

@Lenald Neuro-divergent?? I think

dolor · 02/01/2023 05:30

ND = neurodivergent.

Iflyaway · 02/01/2023 05:34

Just run and block.

It's not working for you.

Next!

Guavafish1 · 02/01/2023 05:50

You owe him nothing! You either block and run or tell him how terribly he behaved and you'll never see him again.

His behaviour was disgusting and he overstepped the mark repeatedly.

When you're OLD don't waste to much time messaging/phone calling ... by meeting for a quick coffee.... you'll get more information.

dontleaveitthere · 02/01/2023 07:20

He assaulted you. So no I don't think you're a terrible person for ghosting

Old can be a right old rollercoaster. You never know who you're going to meet.

You sound lovely. But can I suggest firming up your boundaries. He pushed you up against a wall and forced his tongue down your throat. This is not acceptable behaviour. Why aren't you angry? It worries me your concern is more around making him upset by ghosting.

purpledalmation · 02/01/2023 10:11

Hopefully he doesn't know where you live?

Original poster
lacey79 · 02/01/2023 11:58

Thank your for the replies. I have just blocked him. I just couldnt bring myself to open the chat and read the messages he has sent over the past few days.

@purpledalmation no he doesn't know wherr i live

@dontleaveitthere im not angry, a little shaken still as i have been on quite a few dates in the 5 years ive been single and whilst some have gone badly nothing has happened like this. But i keep going back over what we talked about wondering if i led him on. There was one conversation where i said i wanted someone to take charge, that i was fed up of deciding what i was eating every day, what i was watching on tv, where i was going out, where we are going on holiday etc and I missed having someone make these choices for me and it being actually something i loved but wouldnt have picked myself. Im just wondering of conversations along that subject put me in a position where thats what he thought was ok.

I am firm on boundaries though, i wont be seeing him or even communicating with him again, and have had plenty of dates where i have said i dont think this is right for me. To the point i think i have too many boundaries and red flag no's and im just destined to be on my own forever now.

OP posts:
Fairislefandango · 02/01/2023 12:07

Of course you aren't a horrible person. It's worrying how often women seem to blame and question themselves in this kind of situation. You owe him nothing. There is no need to go back and rake over your conversations with him, questioning whether you 'led him on'. He sounds unpleasant and difficult. The reasons why he's unpleasant and difficult are totally not your problem. It's great that you have firm boundaries about ending things, but it sounds like you are in the habit of giving yourself a hard time about it.

KettrickenSmiled · 02/01/2023 12:33

But i keep going back over what we talked about wondering if i led him on. There was one conversation where i said i wanted someone to take charge, that i was fed up of deciding what i was eating every day, what i was watching on tv, where i was going out, where we are going on holiday etc and I missed having someone make these choices for me and it being actually something i loved but wouldnt have picked myself. Im just wondering of conversations along that subject put me in a position where thats what he thought was ok.
Why are you talking to men you don't yet know like this?
You may as well print off a giant label yelling "please control me!"

I am firm on boundaries though,
Sorry my dear you are NOT firm on boundaries.
A woman with firm boundaries would not have tolerated his hands all over her. She would have spoken up, even physically removed his hands from her person.
You simply sat there & let it happen.
Please don't feel that this makes you in ANY way to blame for his atrocious behaviour. But you need to wise up & get assertive.

i wont be seeing him or even communicating with him again,
Good.
But again - needed to ask if this makes you a horrible person shows how poor your boundaries are.
That man ASSAULTED you, then later called it "a make out session".
PP who asked why you are not angry about that made a very good point.

and have had plenty of dates where i have said i dont think this is right for me. To the point i think i have too many boundaries and red flag no's and im just destined to be on my own forever now.
Better alone than with an awful man who assaults you, won;t listen to you, talks over you & persists in telling you you are wrong.
Better alone than with a man who dissed the Big Bang Theory ... Wink

Since then hes text me loads. About 20 separate times.
You could have blocked him 19 times ago.
You don't owe casual dates anything,. Not your time, not your attention, & not some weird notion of 'politeness'.

If you continue with OLD, don't fall into the messaging trap again.
Use the messages to establish interest, arrange to meet, & then to either say "thanks but no" or arrange another date.
Exchanging a lot of messages before actually meeting creates a false intimacy, raises expectations, & leads to a fantasy projection of desired characteristics onto the other person.
Protect yourself from this by being more clinical in how you use the tool. It is a screening process for real-life meets - nothing else.

Liveafr · 02/01/2023 13:04

It doesn't matter that he's ND or not, his behaviour is disrespectful and you are not under obligation to be polite or let him down gently. So either block him directly or send him one explicit text that you are not interested in seeing him any more THEN block straight after. Don't even wait to see if he responds, he seems like the guy who doesn't take no for an answer so he is bound to keep messaging after that, or even harass you or insult you.
Also I second not wasting time talking too much before meeting. You have no idea who people are really, so you build up a fantasy of who that person is and have a bigger potential for disappointment and have your time wasted. Some people also love to talk endlessly online, but when it comes to meeting in person, they disappear.

Cluelessmouse · 02/01/2023 13:11

Being ND does not mean you are an arsehole
i am ND.
if someone says please don’t touch me, or something similar, I don’t touch them.

even if let’s say, he is ND and non of this was his fault, does that mean you have to spend time with him that you don’t enjoy?
no, obviously not. So it doesn’t matter.

Guavafish1 · 02/01/2023 14:47

I think you should try the one date rule... dont waste too much time texting/talking on the phone.

Just have one coffee date... and if you really like them then move onto date two. But have a high threshold.

Ive had 2 friends who did this style of dating... they spent 2 years, quite few hundred pounds on dates, sometimes they had 3 dates in one day! Only a handful of people got to the second date and even fewer on the third date!

They both found their current spouses now... it was hard work but they where ruthless,methodically with good boundaries.

You can do it!