Am i a horrible person?

[lacey79]

In late nov/early dec i started talking to a new man via OLD. Due to work commitments and preplanned family visits over Christmas we hadnt been able to meet in person quickly so spent alot of time messaging. We had a lot of similarities and got on great. The conversation was intelligent and interesting, as well as quite personal about our lives and past issues. We seemed very compatible and laughed alot along side the deeper chats. So we arranged to meet for a coffee.

When we met it was immediately obvious he was ND. He couldnt hold eye contact and was very loud and dominant in the conversation - to the point everyone in the shop would have been able to hear what he was talking about. Every time i said something he disagreed with he spoke over me and listed all the reasons i was wrong. He controlled the entire conversation about himself. He is also of Indian decent, and whilst his ethnicity makes no difference to me, when he was telling me why he dislikes big bang theory he very loudly did an indian accent but exaggerated like a mockery of it, so loudly people were looking over, and i wanted the ground to swallow me up. He also moved his chair and was touching me constantly which i dislike and said i wasnt into public displays in out many chats. But he did it without looking at me just randomly touching me where he could reach. As we left he grabbed me pushed me into a wall and stuck his tongue down my throat and it took a second for me to pull back. I then instantly made excuses and left and came home. This was a couple of days ago.

Since then hes text me loads. About 20 separate times. His first message read "how long has it been since u had a make out session like that?" And honestly that message alone made my skin crawl so much ive not opened the chat to read the rest. I've completely ghosted.

Ghosting is not something ive ever done before, ive always said "thanks for meeting me for coffee, i had fun but cant see it going further, good luck in your search, take care" but i dont feel even able to do that in this situation.

This is about him being ND as such, its how different we are in person and my personal boundaries, but i cant tel him thats why i dont want to continue talking to him without seeming like a terrible person - or am i just a terrible person for ghosting?

Have to agree with @KettrickenSmiled about your boundaries actually not being that great.

It is difficult to fend someone off sometimes, but when he was constantly touching you, he was bulldozing over your boundaries. I feel like you were maybe too afraid of "making a scene" instead of the bigger actual threat that this man could be? You need to reverse those fears in priority.

And I'd be very careful about the ort of talk where you want a man to take charge as it can be used as an excuse for domineering behaviour or may be interpreted as a BDSM thing (which is fine if that's what you're into, but really unwise with strangers).

Thanks again for the replies.

Generally i do try to meet quite early into talking for a coffee, but December was quite manic i worked the first few weekends then i was away for christmas so it just didn't happen.

You're right the conversation via text went too far, but it was in the flow rather than me just stating these things. I definitely got swept up in the messaging and spoke more indepth than i usually would.

Youre also right that the fear of making a scene took over and instead i sat their uncomfortable with what was happening and let it happen rather than speak up. But honestly the whole "date" steamrolled me. It just wasnt what id expected from the conversation we had and i was totally blindsided by everything that happened.

Your advice is very much appreciated. But i think im going to take a break from OLD for a while.

I found what that PP said shocking. Someone with firm boundaries can still be assaulted and to suggest otherwise is, imo, just horrendous.

@Lenald I didn't take that from it, and I apologise if I've come across as victim-blaming myself. Of course OP isn't to blame for any of this.

Sorry OP. I've sat through unpleasant experiences with men myself and I guess it's wanting to feel like you have some control if you do things differently.

The thing is that you're questioning yourself over whether you are a horrible person or whether he could be ND, really, and there's no need. You did the right thing in ghosting.

He may be ND but that's not the reason for touching you and assaulting you. Now that you are away from him and don't see him around it may be fine to ghost and get the desired outcome of not seeing him again but you shouldn't be worried about being a 'terrible person' for telling him that you don't want to see him or that he crossed your boundaries in what was at best a gross way and worse assault.

This is mn. When a woman is sexually assaulted in the street we do a penguin 🐧 huddle around her until she feels ok again. We don’t say she’s a horrible person.

Oh god, you've done the right thing. Block him on everything you can find him on.

Weirdo.

Just so you know - I'm ND and lack boundaries in conversation and tact. Never in touching or forcing myself on somebody though.

Just block him, no explanation necessary. I'm sure you won't be the first.

@Lenald I don't think anyone here is victim blaming

Certainly I'm not.

But I do think the op needs to be more careful. He pissed all over her boundaries throughout the date. She wasn't comfortable with the touching and should feel able to say so.

It's also concerning to me that despite the fact he's assaulted her she asking whether it's her that's the bad person here.

I get it. She was blindsided by the date. It wasn't what she expected. But this is online dating where you're effectively meeting strangers. Everyone needs to be a bit more careful.

Hello Timmy,
i did not had fun yesterday at all. You are very loud, love to dominate the conversation, touched me without permission and sexually assaulted me at the end of your date. I do not wish to hear from you again. Jane

Then you block him. Don’t ghost him. He needs to know he acted completely inapropiate.

Yes, this.
But how on earth do you think you might be a horrible person? You were treated like that and you think YOU are horrible?

My advise: do a video call with OLD strangers before meeting in person, you will save yourself some akward and uncomfortable situations. I learned it the hard way.

What a socially akward creep.

I didn’t use the phrase victim blaming but it’s interesting that was brought up.

Women should be able to say what they want in a man, a protector, care giver, even decision maker and only a sick woman will think that gives him the green light for assault.

She set clear boundaries, he didn’t abide by them - his fault, not hers She’s stuck to her boundaries and is not pursuing anything with this man. Her boundaries are firm, his actions, which OP has no control over, were not respectful of said boundaries.

Im not personally attacking you, I respect what you said and as women we absolutely do need to be smart and do what we can to protect ourselves, it’s a very sad fact of the world we live in. In this instance though - he was just wrong and there’s not really anything OP could have done to stop him lunging apart fr ensuring she never sees him again.

A sick man not woman

@Lenald no I get what you're saying.

It really is depressing as women we are in this position. Basically be on the defence...

Someone else mentioned victim blaming. Which I really wasn't getting from this thread

My real point was more about the ops reaction after the date. She's writing a post asking if she's a bad person for ghosting him. That's where I'm concerned she's not more bloody angry. Im angry for her!

Her reaction of she should be nice even though this guy made her feel really uncomfortable throughout the date.

I think the op sounds lovely. And it's sad her reaction is to look back at conversations and wonder if she led him on.

Maybe boundaries is the wrong word. Maybe it's just a toughening up or going in with a different mindset. Maybe not divulging so much personal stuff before you meet etc. Basically old is not for the faint hearted. At the end of the day they're all strangers.

Maybe he is ND. Whatever else he is, he sounds very unpleasant. ND might explain his being oblivious to social norms but it doesn’t excuse poor behaviour. Sounds like you were clear about what you did and didn’t like. Most polite ND adults would get the message and respect stated boundaries. You do right to move on.