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Original poster

Should I end my relationship in 2023?

40 replies

Leooooo · 31/12/2022 20:32

I'd love an independent perspective.

We've been together 5ish years, own a house together but no DC.

On one hand, he tells me he loves me all the time, he says he is lucky to have me and seems attracted to me. He works full time, has a hobby he's passionate about and is intelligent. He brings up topical issues for us to chat about and he has a wide group of friends.

On the other hand, he doesn't pull his weight around the house and will openly admit this, he goes to his parents' once in a blue moon and expects to be waited on (only child) and can be selfish e.g. gets himself a drink and doesn't offer anyone else. He's also a spender whereas I'm a saver.

The biggest issue for me is that I feel like I put in more effort than him always. Whether it's on the house, arranging date nights, holidays etc if I don't do it, it doesn't happen. Even when I do plan things, it's like he reluctantly drags himself away from his computer to do it. Yes he's a gamer but so am I so it's not the computer I have an issue with but rather that anything he's doing on there is always more interesting/important than anything with me/family.

It's getting me down and while he says he loves me, it feels like I'm constantly trying to convince him to want to spend time with me. Its NYE and he's on his computer and I'm drinking a glass of wine alone in the kitchen debating whether to just go to bed. I've been ill so obviously Nothing arranged/booked/suggested. Met with silence and a grimace when I suggested watched a film.

As not to drip feed, he does have ADHD which I know can make the planning stuff harder. He's been medicated for 2 years now and while its helped with things in work, there's little change at home. It's like he uses all his productive time elsewhere and there's none left for me/home. Equally, I don't want to think that he dislikes our time together so much that he has to be medicated to do it

Am I being harsh? What would you do?

OP posts:
PussInBin20 · 31/12/2022 20:39

Have you told him all of this? If yes and nothing’s changed then yes, I would leave the relationship. Life’s too short to be miserable.

startingoveragainagain · 31/12/2022 20:43

If you imagine your life in 5 years... is he there or not?

Original poster
Leooooo · 31/12/2022 20:43

I've not laid it all out as the above but we've had many, many talks about the house work, effort etc.

I guess I worry that if I lay it all out like that, he may be able to 'force' himself to spend time with me but is that really any better?

OP posts:
JoyPeaceSleep · 31/12/2022 20:45

I'd end it. It'll be awkward splitting when you have the house but then it's done and you are free from what sounds like an unequal relationship

Feelinglikegivingup · 31/12/2022 20:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

xfan · 31/12/2022 21:00

Are you the sort of woman who's always had attention from men, or is the first person who's asked you out? Do you fear you won't be able to find someone?

Feelinglikegivingup · 31/12/2022 21:03

Sorry I have asked mn to remove my above post. I thought I was starting a new thread not posting on someone else’s 🤦‍♀️

Original poster
Leooooo · 31/12/2022 21:23

Thanks everyone.

Just to say, I'm not attention seeking/always want to be entertained type. I work 50 hours a week, have friends and family and hobbies that take me out of the house. I just wish we could even have 1 night a month where we did something nice together, ideally that I didn't have to arrange!

The housework stuff is also something I'd like to address

OP posts:
Original poster
Leooooo · 31/12/2022 21:26

xfan · 31/12/2022 21:00

Are you the sort of woman who's always had attention from men, or is the first person who's asked you out? Do you fear you won't be able to find someone?

Not big with the men really, no.

This is my second serious relationship with 1 or 2 casual daters in between.

Does that come across in my post?

OP posts:
Chrimbob · 31/12/2022 21:34

Why would you be 'being harsh'? He sounds like he's not arsed - this is on him. I can't see from what you've described what makes you happy and why you're together? You have a house, but this isn't enough for you to spend your life with a lazy man-child.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/12/2022 21:39

This relationship will never go the distance, op. You are already resentful and there are a multitude of very serious cracks. Run for your life.

GiantPurplePeopleHater · 31/12/2022 21:47

In short - you are being taken for granted and he’s become complacent. A good old chat blowout should make you feel better and either see change … or not- then you will have your answer
good luck 😊

Starseeking · 31/12/2022 21:52

Read what you've written in your OP, and ask yourself the advice you would give your best friend if she came to you and described the same situation.

My only other comment is that a man who makes no effort in the relationship or around the house will become a thousand times worse at both, after marriage and DC.

He should be showing you his best self during the first 5 years of the relationship; take heed of what his actions are actually telling you.

Starseeking · 31/12/2022 21:54

He's* also a spender while I am a saver.
*
The above could cause huge issues in the relationship down the line as well.

EL0ISE · 31/12/2022 21:57

Sounds like he wants a flatmate who does his share of the chores, organises his life and shags him when he feels like it .

A bit like his mum plus sex.

Original poster
Leooooo · 31/12/2022 21:59

EL0ISE · 31/12/2022 21:57

Sounds like he wants a flatmate who does his share of the chores, organises his life and shags him when he feels like it .

A bit like his mum plus sex.

The mum thing rings true which makes me feel sick.

He lived alone before we got together and I Naively thought that would mean we would avoid this risk.

OP posts:
Mashedpotatoesandgravy · 31/12/2022 22:01

This is not a mutually respectful relationship where both partners cherish each other. It actually sounds really wearying for you. Life is too short to settle!!

Nowthatlovehasperished · 31/12/2022 22:03

If you don't have kids then get out now. You don't need to compromise.

EarthSight · 31/12/2022 22:10

You're not being harsh. You don't realise yet how taken for granted you are, and once you do, you'll get angry.

Even when I do plan things, it's like he reluctantly drags himself away from his computer to do it. Yes he's a gamer but so am I so it's not the computer I have an issue with but rather that anything he's doing on there is always more interesting/important than anything with me/family. It's getting me down and while he says he loves me, it feels like I'm constantly trying to convince him to want to spend time with me

I'm afraid if he's the type that I'm thinking of, his PC will always be his recharging port and one-stop entertainment centre - nothing else will be able to compete with that. It's no wonder that you feel like you have to convince him to spend time with you. That's demeaning for you.

If he wanted to spend time with you, he would. It's that simple. It doesn't matter how many 'I love you's he says - if he's not following that with action or not meeting your emotional needs, then this is going to be a hard slog of a relationship for you where you will grow increasingly lonely. It shouldn't be up to you to remind him, or for him to do it like it's a duty or a chore. It should be natural but it's not. His computer is the centre of the universe, around which all else must rotate.

On one hand, he tells me he loves me all the time, he says he is lucky to have me and seems attracted to me. He works full time, has a hobby he's passionate about and is intelligent. He brings up topical issues for us to chat about and he has a wide group of friends

Are you attracted to him OP? Physically and as a whole person? There's no mention of that .

OP - I'm afraid there are some gamer type men out there who simply want a woman around the house so they have something pretty to look at and a comfort blanket when they need one (also possibly a housekeeper). A woman like you is handy to have around when the man needs some cheering up, emotional support, light entertainment or sex. You might have excellent qualities, you might be intelligent and have common interests with him, but some men just don't need an intense emotional relationship with what they regard to be a much treasured household appliance.

He's also a spender whereas I'm a saver

This alone can cause a lot of arguments in a relationship. It shows a difference in financial impulsivity and couples need to be similar to each other in this way otherwise it often ends in difficulties down the line.

EarthSight · 31/12/2022 22:12

I just wish we could even have 1 night a month where we did something nice together, ideally that I didn't have to arrange!

This is so sad OP :(

Original poster
Leooooo · 31/12/2022 22:43

Thank you for your thoughts @EarthSight

Everytime I Try to speak to him about these issues, he seems genuinely surprised and upset that 'I feel so strongly' about these minor things.

He says he does want to spend time with me and he challenged me to learn more about ADHD - which was fair enough.

I feel trapped but I don't know whether that's his fault or mine.

Noones perfect?

OP posts:
iamanicicle · 31/12/2022 23:06

Saying what you want to hear is easier for him than doing the right thing, but that's something only he can fix and he's shown you he's unwilling. Get out now before you have DC. Life is too short.

Angliski · 31/12/2022 23:09

I would not be at all happy with a NYE at home being ignored on my own with my DH in another room. No fucking way! Imagine another 40 NYE like that!?

if we are in we would chat, read a book out loud to each other, watch a film or some shit tv, make a meal together, give each other a massage, have a shag….

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 31/12/2022 23:16

Sounds like your relationship has run its course. Don’t waste any more of your precious life and time on being unhappy.

SuperHandss · 31/12/2022 23:17

Life is too short to settle.