Should I end my relationship in 2023?

[Leooooo]

I'd love an independent perspective.

We've been together 5ish years, own a house together but no DC.

On one hand, he tells me he loves me all the time, he says he is lucky to have me and seems attracted to me. He works full time, has a hobby he's passionate about and is intelligent. He brings up topical issues for us to chat about and he has a wide group of friends.

On the other hand, he doesn't pull his weight around the house and will openly admit this, he goes to his parents' once in a blue moon and expects to be waited on (only child) and can be selfish e.g. gets himself a drink and doesn't offer anyone else. He's also a spender whereas I'm a saver.

The biggest issue for me is that I feel like I put in more effort than him always. Whether it's on the house, arranging date nights, holidays etc if I don't do it, it doesn't happen. Even when I do plan things, it's like he reluctantly drags himself away from his computer to do it. Yes he's a gamer but so am I so it's not the computer I have an issue with but rather that anything he's doing on there is always more interesting/important than anything with me/family.

It's getting me down and while he says he loves me, it feels like I'm constantly trying to convince him to want to spend time with me. Its NYE and he's on his computer and I'm drinking a glass of wine alone in the kitchen debating whether to just go to bed. I've been ill so obviously Nothing arranged/booked/suggested. Met with silence and a grimace when I suggested watched a film.

As not to drip feed, he does have ADHD which I know can make the planning stuff harder. He's been medicated for 2 years now and while its helped with things in work, there's little change at home. It's like he uses all his productive time elsewhere and there's none left for me/home. Equally, I don't want to think that he dislikes our time together so much that he has to be medicated to do it

Am I being harsh? What would you do?

You talk about him saying he loves you.... but do you love him? You don't mention that. End it.... you can find someone who matches your energy.

I wonder if the ADHD is a bit of a red herring. It just doesn't sound like the two of you are that compatible, and/or that he just can't be arsed putting in much effort. Though I defer to posters with experience of ADHD.

Honestly it does sound like the relationship has run its course. It's sad, but TBH there might be someone out there who is a better fit for him (not sure who that is as your expectations are not remotely unreasonable....) and you'd be doing him a favour by setting him free.

With no DC in common, now you know what life is like with him, is this really how you want to live?

At least take some time to think through how your life is going to pan out. All the best.

Imagine this life....but with the added stressor of kids. How would having all the mental load feel?

I have ADHD.
I still manage to cook & clean and when in a relationship initiate fun things/days out/holidays etc.

Or is his ADHD top trumped by his sex? Because he sounds like a lazy boring bloke who takes you for granted and gets his kicks/dopamine out of computer games rather than real life/interactions with you.

You sound very young, think about your future. I'd get out while it's easy, there seems no reason to stay.

Watch ‘I am Nicola’ on Channel 4. Although it’s about abuse, the lack of effort the guys shows reminded me of what you’ve written about

It sounds like it’s time to move on. Your expectations are basic. Be thankful you don’t have DC with him. He sounds tiring and he’s unlikely to change.

Our Primary School aged DS has ADHD traits and has been assessed this year. DH and I have similar traits but we haven’t been tested yet.
The ADHD mention sounds like an excuse for him. He’s aware he has ADHD but can’t even be bothered to bring himself to sit in the same room with you on NYE. That would be the last straw for me, especially if there was no reason for being ignored, ie. an argument. If so, DH and I would still kiss and make up to see the New Year in together.

You’re not asking too much, OP. It’s a very bad sign that your relationship is this dull 5 years in. It would be different if you were parenting tiny children in which case you might both just want to slump at the end of the day once you get to sit down. But that’s not your situation.

He says he loves you but talk is cheap - it’s actions that count. He isn’t acting like he loves you. And these things aren’t minor. They’re minor to him because the arrangement suits him. But they’re not minor. You don’t have children together and I’m guessing you’re still quite young. It sounds like you would be better off ending this relationship because it’s not going to get any better.

It does sound like it has run its course.

Two things stand out for me that I couldn't put up with:

The mismatch in your approaches to money.

And the only making food/drink for himself. Might seem trivial on the face of it but it's the one trait I personally cannot stand in anyone.

It doesn't matter whose fault it is

You're not happy

He won't take your pov seriously

Move on and find happiness

Imagine 2033 and everything being the same

Thanks everyone.

I guess my reluctance has been around the fact that it's not always bad. We eat dinner together every night, we talk kindly to one another and about interesting things.

To answer some questions, I am attracted to him but his inability to adult is beginning to affect that. Socially, he can be awkward which I don't mind and try to help with but my family and friends aren't massive fans.

Using his ADHD as an excuse is not good enough. Listen to family and friends, they often see what we don’t. I really wish I had listened to mine and saved myself years of misery and doubt

Thanks everyone

A week later, I'm still considering. Financially, we'd need to sell the house but I think it could work.

How does anyone even go about starting this type of conversation?

Next time you eat together just say "this relationship isn't working for me anymore we need to sell the house"

When he says he loves you it's just words but there is no actions. Some people think because they say something it's done and wonder why you are not satisfied but actions have to follow.
The computer thing is an addiction and him being in there on New Years Eve is the equivalent of him being down the pub leaving you alone as he needs his drink. He doesn't sound like he questions himself at all or is open to discuss and change things that are causing an issue. Its basic selfishness. There will always be that stress for you . It will be interesting to see will he be absolutely shocked you want to split or just more taken up with continuing his selfish behaviour.