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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I want to spend less time with my DH in 2023

51 replies

FluffyHamster · 31/12/2022 17:20

I don't want to end my marriage. I don't need to LTB. But I want to spend less time with DH in 2023!

We are both late 50s and last year he pretty much retired (has his own business, runs it from home) and as a result he is now around the house all the time. So, what with covid and now this, we've spent a LOT of the last 3 years together - pretty much 24 hours a day, apart from a few weekends when he visits elderly relatives.

I feel suffocated. He is mostly lovely, but drags me down and now I don't feel as relaxed at home with him around all the time.
He is traditional, structured, formal.
I am creative, a bit free-spirited and I think a more modern in my outlook.

He wants me to go to things with him, but we don't enjoy the same things, and his presence spoils it for me (e.g. if we go to the theatre he doesn't want to discuss it afterwards, but if I go with my girlfriends we will have a right old discussion about it afterwards).

I feel I need to 'consciously uncouple' a bit, but don't know what to do/ how to go about it! I read about celeb couples who live in different houses, or split their time between two different houses, and I am so jealous!

I have no family to visit. A lot of my friends have become 'our friends' and if I suggest doing something they assume it's as couples.

What can I do on my own? Where can I go?

OP posts:

Forthelast · 31/12/2022 17:22

Can you develop a new interest and say you need a bit of space to enjoy it as an individual?

squashyhat · 31/12/2022 17:26

Have you actually spoken to him about it? He may feel the same. Do you work? If not maybe try to find a job or volunteer so that you are out of the house more.

Polecat07 · 31/12/2022 17:37

Take a class, join a club or activity group

Frostine · 31/12/2022 17:43

Look into your local Women's Institute ( many are not just about jam making etc )

They mostly meet monthly , but you will probably find they also have sub groups which meet up regularly . My one has a social group that meets for coffee , meals out , theatre trips , bowling . A book group , a walking group , crafting .

Original poster

FluffyHamster · 31/12/2022 17:43

squashyhat · 31/12/2022 17:26

Have you actually spoken to him about it? He may feel the same. Do you work? If not maybe try to find a job or volunteer so that you are out of the house more.

I do part-time freelance work, but it is desk-based at home. In the past I could relax and enjoy being at home when I wasn't working, now DH is always there.

I think he just assumes that I've been 'waiting for him to retire' so that I can devote all my time to him .
It's driving me mad.
I want to run away!

OP posts:

Creepinglight · 31/12/2022 17:45

Are you sure you want to stay with him?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 31/12/2022 17:48

A lot if retired women feel like this. I do. I just want some space on my own.

Original poster

FluffyHamster · 31/12/2022 17:50

Creepinglight · 31/12/2022 17:45

Are you sure you want to stay with him?

Yes, I think so, but I just don't want him to reply on me so exclusively.
I need other people to spark off and energise me. He doesn't seem to.

All his friends are people he has met through me. I don't want to always have to do everything as a couple. It makes me feel suffocated.

OP posts:

Pheonix2023 · 31/12/2022 17:53

Sounds like he needs a a part time job or hubby away from the home rather than you need more hobbies

BCBird · 31/12/2022 17:58

I would suggest you find fone new interests independent of your husband. Tell him.yiu think this is healthy for u both. U could suggest he finds something too. Good luck

Alcemeg · 31/12/2022 18:03

Why don't you want to end your marriage?

You feel suffocated. He drags you down. With him around, you don't feel as relaxed at home. You don't enjoy the same things. His presence spoils things for you (e.g. him refusing to discuss what you've seen at the theatre).

Sorry OP, but this sounds horrible!

FanSpamTastic · 31/12/2022 18:06

Get him into fishing and he will be out of your hair for nearly all of the year! Be warned though - your house will be filled with fishing books and fishing stuff!

Crikeyalmighty · 31/12/2022 18:13

@FluffyHamster I sympathise totally!! It's hard to explain to others who don't feel like this

Flapjackquack · 31/12/2022 18:13

What are his good qualities?

purpledalmation · 31/12/2022 18:18

Get lots of outside hobbies, where you meet other people and don't stay at home. It would drive me crazy.

NoSquirrels · 31/12/2022 18:19

When first retired, my parents had quite a clinical sounding plan - my dad would commit to go out on Wednesdays (fishing!), or whatever, and my mum had a regular couple of dates with friends set up (swimming and lunch after sort of thing) and then my dad also had quite a few evening activities.

Can you be honest with him? Can you ask for more space at home on a regular basis? Does he have a hobby like golf or anything?

Then you need a new hobby too, like rambling or whatever for daytimes, and an evening one too.

Alcemeg · 31/12/2022 18:31

Encourage him to take up white water rafting, motorbike racing or downhill mountain biking, or preferably all three, to increase the chances of him not coming home 🥳🥳🥳

Alcemeg · 31/12/2022 18:31

Encourage him to take up white water rafting, motorbike racing or downhill mountain biking, or preferably all three, to increase the chances of him not coming home 🥳🥳🥳

Alcemeg · 31/12/2022 18:32

Oops! Sorry. I tried to cancel that and it posted twice instead, thus confirming me as truly evil. I was only joking OP sorry x

frozendaisy · 31/12/2022 18:39

So has he worked to help pay towards your marital home for the past however many years?

And now he can spend time at home you have decided you don't want him to?

It's as much his house as well you know. You sound a bit like a princess. Tell him you don't like him at home it's your house and he shouldn't have retired.

Or you go out, it's your turn if you don't like it.

I am at home full time, over lockdown so was DH now he is here 4 out of 7 days, we love being around together, but can exist in different rooms. There is no way on earth I would attempt to tell him not to be here more it's as much his home as mine. Poor guy.

Lentilweaver · 31/12/2022 18:43

Why can't you go on a solo holiday? DH and I both WFH and when I need space, I just go away on my own. I also volunteer, go to Meetups, and am starting a book club in the new year.

Joonio · 31/12/2022 18:47

Join u3a. They have lots of activities and you can sign him up to one that is for men.

quackquackwoof · 31/12/2022 18:48

MrsDoylesApron · 31/12/2022 18:49

I totally get this, OP. I'm in a similar situation with DH approaching retirement and I'm rather dreading it. So I have already been considering what to do so we both have time in and out of the house without eachother.
I'll be joining a couple of classes/clubs in a hobby I already do which I know meet up on weekday mornings. I also plan to take up swimming again. That's another activity I can do any day, any time, any season if I want some time on my own. I'm also going to do some volunteering which has a sociable element and gets me out of the house.
I shall suggest DH similarly gets involved in hobbies, classes, clubs, exercise and volunteering. If there is some resistance/reluctance, I'm hoping he'll be encouraged by my example. And if not, at least I'll have enough going on myself!
If he's quite 'traditional' and likes structure could he find some volunteering that would fit the bill and he use skills gained in his work/professional life? School governor, trustee, parish council, something committee based? These can be quite time consuming and often have evening meetings!

Fenella123 · 31/12/2022 18:51

FanSpamTastic · 31/12/2022 18:06

Get him into fishing and he will be out of your hair for nearly all of the year! Be warned though - your house will be filled with fishing books and fishing stuff!

Or a bike - electric MTBs are popular among the freshly retired crowd
Or get yourself one 😜

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