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Original poster

I want to spend less time with my DH in 2023

51 replies

FluffyHamster · 31/12/2022 17:20

I don't want to end my marriage. I don't need to LTB. But I want to spend less time with DH in 2023!

We are both late 50s and last year he pretty much retired (has his own business, runs it from home) and as a result he is now around the house all the time. So, what with covid and now this, we've spent a LOT of the last 3 years together - pretty much 24 hours a day, apart from a few weekends when he visits elderly relatives.

I feel suffocated. He is mostly lovely, but drags me down and now I don't feel as relaxed at home with him around all the time.
He is traditional, structured, formal.
I am creative, a bit free-spirited and I think a more modern in my outlook.

He wants me to go to things with him, but we don't enjoy the same things, and his presence spoils it for me (e.g. if we go to the theatre he doesn't want to discuss it afterwards, but if I go with my girlfriends we will have a right old discussion about it afterwards).

I feel I need to 'consciously uncouple' a bit, but don't know what to do/ how to go about it! I read about celeb couples who live in different houses, or split their time between two different houses, and I am so jealous!

I have no family to visit. A lot of my friends have become 'our friends' and if I suggest doing something they assume it's as couples.

What can I do on my own? Where can I go?

OP posts:
FP1000 · 31/12/2022 18:52

Take up golf. Join a group lesson it's really sociable and a good 4 hours + out of the house Grin

MermaidEyes · 31/12/2022 18:52

Alcemeg · 31/12/2022 18:32

Oops! Sorry. I tried to cancel that and it posted twice instead, thus confirming me as truly evil. I was only joking OP sorry x

Sorry but this comment cracked me up even more than your other one 😂

OP I think you need an honest conversation with him that he's making you feel suffocated. It sounds like he needs something to keep him occupied that doesn't mean relying on you. That way when you do spend time together you will actually enjoy each other's company more.

DeeplyMovingExperience · 31/12/2022 18:56

OMG. Totally in the same boat. I am also making this my priority for 2023.

Things I am bearing in mind....

  • I am not responsible for his happiness or how he occupies his time
  • I am not an emotional support animal
  • If he's bored, that's not my responsibility
  • I will not be chief cook and bottle washer (totally done with all that)
  • I am entitled to have my own interests and spend my time as I please

These points go for him as well - he's not responsible for my happiness and so on.

It's a work in progress, but I have to find a way otherwise I'll go insane (which may lead to deciding to be single which would be a shame as he's lovely).

SweetSakura · 31/12/2022 18:57

I sympathise
I love DH, I have lots of fun with him . But he just has zero get up and go, and no independent existence. He would literally stick right by my side 24/7 if he could.

I didn't notice as much before because I was busy, but I have an illness now that means i am at home a lot more, but I never ever get the house to myself, or even the room to myself.

I don't know how to address it without being mean. It just feels suffocating

Crikeyalmighty · 31/12/2022 19:13

@frozendaisy yes that's a point too but I suspect you are in a different situation and when you are separate it's a choice thing and no one is feeling hard done by. The problem is some men (and some women too) seem to develop an inability over the years to do things separately and actually want you 'there' an awful lot of the time- even if they want to pop out or watch a programme etc and don't develop any separate interests at all - it wouldn't bother some I realise but I found it stifling and made me feel like a pensioner far too early. My H passes negative comment on my friend who is out 3 nights a week on average without her live in partner and asks me if I don't think 'it's bit of a piss take' .

frozendaisy · 31/12/2022 19:14

But where can you go? You say you are free-spirited and creative but can't think of anything to do solo out the house. Doesn't sound so creative and free to me.

I am a pampered artist and my DH is a geek. So I guess I am the creative free-spirit and he is the intellectual and I can find many things to do our the house without him.

I have booked to see an art exhibition in Europe this Easter. I offered to go alone, they are all coming. Can't wait. I bang on about my interests until they listen. They love it really it gives them a very different yet informed viewpoint to their other culture interests.

Be interesting OP then you will get a reaction.

frozendaisy · 31/12/2022 19:21

Crikeyalmighty · 31/12/2022 19:13

@frozendaisy yes that's a point too but I suspect you are in a different situation and when you are separate it's a choice thing and no one is feeling hard done by. The problem is some men (and some women too) seem to develop an inability over the years to do things separately and actually want you 'there' an awful lot of the time- even if they want to pop out or watch a programme etc and don't develop any separate interests at all - it wouldn't bother some I realise but I found it stifling and made me feel like a pensioner far too early. My H passes negative comment on my friend who is out 3 nights a week on average without her live in partner and asks me if I don't think 'it's bit of a piss take' .

I have always told my amazing H to fuck off (well nicer than that clearly) if I have had enough of him.

But it's not his job to leave his house when retired if he has been out of it for 30 years.

Yes it's different perhaps because we are honest with each other but always love each other, bicker, debate, bounce off each other. That is the marriage we both want and work towards having all the time.

It's not luck it's continuous hard work and honesty.

Original poster
FluffyHamster · 31/12/2022 19:28

frozendaisy · 31/12/2022 18:39

So has he worked to help pay towards your marital home for the past however many years?

And now he can spend time at home you have decided you don't want him to?

It's as much his house as well you know. You sound a bit like a princess. Tell him you don't like him at home it's your house and he shouldn't have retired.

Or you go out, it's your turn if you don't like it.

I am at home full time, over lockdown so was DH now he is here 4 out of 7 days, we love being around together, but can exist in different rooms. There is no way on earth I would attempt to tell him not to be here more it's as much his home as mine. Poor guy.

Lots of assumptions here!
I worked 25+ years full time until family needs meant one of us needed to go part time. I supported him through redundancy and then setting up his own business.
So there’s no sense of it not being our joint home, it being ‘his turn’ to enjoy the house.
Maybe I didn’t phrase this well. I DO already have groups and hobbies - music, book groups, a women’s walking group etc and I still have work projects, but a PP described it well, it’s as if he expects me to be there as his support human whenever I’m at home.
I want him to fill his calendar with things that don’t rely on me. I want to be able to make a cup of coffee without being asked ‘what shall WE have for lunch?’. I’d like to know that there are a couple of times a week when I can have the house to myself.

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 31/12/2022 19:38

Your 2nd post makes it clearer. YANBU. When asked what's for lunch I reply " Whatever you are making." I do make dinner but we both sort our own lunches.

Windtunnel · 31/12/2022 19:40

"what shall WE have for lunch?’ you reply "ah good point can you make lunch?Just forage for whatever, I've got to ....fill in blank...

get a dog??

SweetSakura · 31/12/2022 19:43

I want him to fill his calendar with things that don’t rely on me. I want to be able to make a cup of coffee without being asked ‘what shall WE have for lunch?’. I’d like to know that there are a couple of times a week when I can have the house to myself

This. This is what I want. I enjoy our time together. I just want him to have thing that engage and fulfil him so that I don't feel like he just sits around waiting for me. And so that I don't have to always leave the house to have "me time".

SusiePevensie · 31/12/2022 19:44

Am dram. Definitely.

TigerDroveAgain · 31/12/2022 19:52

DH is retired: I am not. He hates football - I love it. So quite a few weekends and evenings are time to myself (often quite a long time if an away game). I do get that this doesn't get the house to myself more but it does mean we both have breathing space

Having said that, I've been working from the office a lot more lately, and somehow I feel a bit mean leaving him at home with the 🐈 for company

Marriage, eh?

DMLady · 31/12/2022 20:09

I realise this doesn’t exactly give you what you’re looking for (it sounds to me as though you’d like to have time to yourself at home — and I completely understand that; I’d feel the same) but could you go on holiday — a city break or something? — on your own, and then encourage him to do something similar? The thing is, you can’t change him — you can only make suggestions, which he may or may not respond to. So you can’t necessarily persuade him to give you time on your own but one of the reasons I considered going freelance was so I could go away somewhere warm/sunny on the spur of the moment and still work — so if that appeals to you, perhaps that’s an option?

Runningintolife · 31/12/2022 20:32

Propose all lunches snacks and coffees to be diy, plus several dinners a week. Walk around the house in noise cancelling headphones or have a work area with a clear do not disturb sign on the door (you don't have to work).
Maybe suggest that at the end of each afternoon you will tell each other how your day has been - so you can show an interest in whatever he has done independently. Can he make himself useful as a hospital volunteer driver or something.

Crikeyalmighty · 31/12/2022 20:33

@FluffyHamster @SweetSakura absolutely. We are all different and some just need/want more space than others.

Ladybug14 · 31/12/2022 20:38

You want him to change

Generally people don't

SweetSakura · 31/12/2022 20:38

I am contemplating getting quite a fancy gym membership, one at the gym that has lots of lovely relaxation areas. Just so I can get out but also rest somewhere and read or just think my own thoughts. But it feels depressing to have to do this just because DH never leaves the house unless it's with me

(I would love to be leaving to do more active stuff, but have a chronic condition and have to build a lot of rest into my day)

dollyblack · 31/12/2022 21:10

Lots resonating here and i’m far from retirement age but dh and i - for various unchangeable reasons- spend a lot of time together.

People say its lovely he always wants to be with me, but actually its more he just likes having “someone” around as he’s a bit rubbish at planning and organising his time and likes having company. I am very organised and if he is near me, things just get done and planned, things just “happen” - as if by magic 😂

Due to our kind of complicated life set up I’ve basically had to facilitate a lot of our lives for the last 20 yrs and i’m kind of over it, and certainly will be by retirement. I’m an introvert but during these years i have also put energy into making and maintaining new friendships and hobbies whereas he has done none of this and has “no friends”.

your comments about what “we” will have for lunch struck a very strong chord.

So while i have no advice i just wAnted to say that you are not alone, or evil.

Robostripes · 31/12/2022 21:13

I feel your pain OP. My DH is currently a SAHD and I feel incredibly suffocated by him. I do have my own interests and hobbies but he’s just ALWAYS here and I never have any time to myself at home. I have tried to encourage him lately to initiate drinks etc with his friends so I get a very occasional evening to myself. I have also encouraged him to take up a hobby - any hobby! - but he just won’t give anything a try. Like your DH he seems perfectly content to just spend all his time with me. So no answers really, just solidarity!

BigFatLiar · 31/12/2022 21:25

We both had good careers and enjoy similar things. We'd be together 24/7 now if we didn't make an effort to be apart. We do actually enjoy being together and can sit not talking but happy in the knowledge that he's there. We each volunteer and make a point of doing different days, if I'm getting a bit ratty he'll suggest I have a weekend away. Time apart is good, it gives us extra things to talk about.

As for meals, if he asks I tell him what I'd like. Early on I'd say just make whatever you want and he'd prepare something he liked that he knew I didn't (liver, tripe, etc) so now I tell him.

Fourwallsclosingin · 31/12/2022 21:30

I feel for you OP, I am the same although I'm now getting to LTB. I think with the friends, just suggest not hanging out as a couple, eg just the girls. Otherwise, find some hobbies, classes or even time on your own, walks etc. You could talk to him in a casual way about it, as you said you don't want to LTB

SweetSakura · 31/12/2022 21:32

Fourwallsclosingin · 31/12/2022 21:30

I feel for you OP, I am the same although I'm now getting to LTB. I think with the friends, just suggest not hanging out as a couple, eg just the girls. Otherwise, find some hobbies, classes or even time on your own, walks etc. You could talk to him in a casual way about it, as you said you don't want to LTB

The problem is it's exhausting if , in order to get space, you always have to be the one organising stuff. But I guess this is the only solution if a spouse just won't build any kind of independent life for themselves

LizzieSiddal · 31/12/2022 21:52

@FluffyHamster it’s as if he expects me to be there as his support human whenever I’m at home.

It really should be easy for you to get across to him that you both have things to do all day and it does not mean you have to be with each other 24/7. It’s up to him to change his expectations of you, not for you to run around after him 24/7.

I’ve already started to have conversations with dh about when we retire (probable in 5 years). At the moment dh works many more hours than me, so I do the vast majority of cooking/cleaning/household stuff and admin. When we retire it will be 50/50, it had never crossed his mind before that he will have to change in this way, and I’m so glad I’ve given him plenty of time to get used to the idea😂

theonlygirl · 31/12/2022 22:52

FP1000 · 31/12/2022 18:52

Take up golf. Join a group lesson it's really sociable and a good 4 hours + out of the house Grin

I would second this. It's a fantastic sport and takes up A LOT of time. why do you think so many men play?

Failing that, try cycling 🚲 🙃

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