Is MIL being unreasonable?

[PositiveThoughtsWine]

I’m 5 months pregnant. My MIL is very disinterested in our lives. When me and hubby visit she doesn’t ask anything about the baby, our appointments, scans or how I’ve been. She hasn’t asked if we need anything for the baby - she’s not short of cash and if she was just showing she cared would be appreciated. At Christmas she bought both her sons children Christmas presents, she didn’t buy our “bump” anything.
When we moved in to our house she didn’t offer to help or buy us anything.
When we got married she didn’t offer to help with anything or show an interest. Husbands, Dad is not on the scene.
understandably, there’s a lot to do in our house to get ready for the arrival of our baby. MIL keeps asking husband to do jobs in her house - his brothers also help but it’s a never ending list! He’s tried explaining how busy we are but she questioned him! I’m very much do “anything for anyone” but I’ve has enough! She does nothing for us and wants things in return or an explanation why! I’ve had enough and told my husband to tell her, no! My parents are very different! AIBU?

Something that might be hidden behind an older woman’s not wanting to be involved or excited around a pregnancy. Not saying this is so in the case of your MiL but it is often hidden and not spoken about even amongst some close families.
My mum could not engage with anything until a baby had been safely delivered and home. She would then burst into tears and hand over the clothes she had been very quietly making hoping they would be used to bring a baby home in. It was not that she did not care but because all three of my brothers had been born still or died soon after birth just under 28 weeks in a time when the cut off for stillbirth was 28 weeks. She did not get to see any of them. She also had three horrendous miscarriages before 18 weeks. No one outside of her closest family ever knew but for her pregnancy was not a time of hope it was a very risky undertaking with no promise of a happy outcome of a healthy baby.

Your poor dm. That’s so sad. She must have suffered terribly.
Are you her only living dc?

@triballeader
that’s just unimaginable, so sorry your DM went through this. We really just don’t know what others have walked through, that completely explains their behaviour

Has he only just started to feel that his mom does not care? He may be feeding into your thoughts about his mom.

If his mom has given birth to several children, she may know that at 5 months into a pregnancy not much of interest is happening in a normal pregnancy.

In my family, people generally don't give gifts until the baby is actually born. My grandmother believed it to be bad luck. Your MIL may share some of those beliefs.

Things are expensive for newborns, but your MIL may think that you and her son timed your pregnancy to coincide with your ability to afford a child. If she has provided gifts for her other grandchildren, she will probably provide gifts for your child.

You seem to resent what you view as a lack of interest in your upcoming event. You forget that she has walked this very same road several times before, and she may just feel comfortable with the very familiar process.

You have the excitement of a first time parent; she has the assurance and familiarity of an experienced grandparent. She does not appear to be trying to rain on your parade or to over step her place. She will probably be an engaged grandparent to the child when it is actually here.

Enjoy the experience that you are having, but don't try to manage the way that other family members experience and respond.

I am a very concerned MiL and gran since joining Munsnet a few years ago. I only have son's, and now my heart sinks every time I see the initials MIL in a heading.

I was really worried about seeming too pushy or inquisitive (nosey?), or too uninterested, when my DDiL was pregnant. In reality she had a difficult pregnancy and I was as worried about her as if she was my own DD (if I had one). But my DDiL is a very independent person, who doesn't suffer fools gladly - none of my boys do either - so I did not let her know just how worried I was about her, although I did try to show her sympathy and understanding.

Since being on Mumsnet, I think that MiLs have a very difficult relationship to negotiate, so I do have at least some sympathy with many of the MiLs moaned about on here. I think that @PositiveThoughtsWine 's MiL has not shown enough interest in her DDiL's health and well being during her pregnancy, but if she is a MNet reader, then I can maybe understand why. As for buying presents for a baby not yet born, sorry I would be far too worried that I was tempting fate to do that!

I do love my DDiL very much, and I do think that maybe I should try to explain to her why I may be too reticent about things sometimes, but now she (and my DS) are struggling through the terribly hard work of young baby rearing, I feel like I would be lumbering them with having to reassure me, rather than this time being about them. Good luck OP, I do hope that your MiL comes up trumps with being both a good Granny, and a good MiL, once she has had time to adjust. 💐

@TheLadyofShalott1 you honestly sound like a caring, genuine mother. Your sons and DiL are blessed to have you. 💖

Thank you so much for your kind words @PositiveThoughtsWine ❤️